Dom, I appreciate your optimism, but would you allow that it's POSSIBLE that karen's H does not WANT sex with a woman? Your premise is that any normal man will want sex with his wife or SOME woman if all the obstacles to such sex are removed. IOW the default condition is that a heterosexual man will want sex with a woman. What if that is NOT Mr. karen's default condition?
Karen, Did you ever determine what kind of porn your husband is using? Knowing that might give you some insight as to what makes him tick, or at least what exactly tickles his fancy.
Uuuuuuuuum Dom. I have not exaggerated in any way. I had forgotten that it had not been quite a year. However, if you add the 9 months of pregnancy to the 5 month old child and get 14 months and consider that we had sex less than five total times since getting pregnant and last Valentine's Day calling it a year isn't such an exaggeration. I didn't say he never gave me oral I did say that he's only done it a handful of times in the six years we have been together. I did say that since we married he NEVER initiated it and I do mean NEVER (he said he liked it when we were dating). When I say never, I mean never. When I say rarely it generally means a few times a year at best. No exaggeration.
When I say I have shown appreciation to H I mean that I have made comments in bed like, "Wow, that was really nice", comments out of bed like "nice outfit" (when he is naked), notes that say "I love you", even sent flowers once after a really nice weekend together (he likes flowers). I have told him that he has a nice butt. I have said, "That was great we'll have to do it again sometime. How about Friday?". I have written him an explicit story that was like a Penthouse forum featuring he and I. What is likely is that I will make a comment while in bed and maybe email a nice note the next day. He won't say anything after the comment and doesn't respond to the email unless he just says "I love you." I love you is his all purpose response to me feeling sad, scared, lonely, horny, happy, etc... That is the "usual" response to my shows of appreciation. Oh yes, lest I forget....I try to also respond in his LL which is acts of service - mix him a drink, make something he likes for dinner, watch Star Trek with him etc....
I had a miserable day yesterday with a sick 3yo and a 10 yr old who is going on 17 and decided to try my patience. I wrote H a note and said I felt like I was getting an "F" in parenting that child while getting "B's" with the others. He wrote a very considerate response where he said that from where he sits I am doing all the right things and that he is sorry that he has been emotionally and physically bankrupt due to his work schedule. He is a good man and most of the time I believe that he loves me. At times I question his choice in marrying me. I think he was looking for a nice person, a good Mom, someone to share the burdens of life with - if so, he got that. Nothing to be sexually excited there.
I did read the Sex Starved Marriage and found it somewhat helpful but more so if he would read it - he didn't. I found Passionate Marriage to describe a lot more of the deep issues that we seem to be confronting.
If that is the standard upon which you base your commitment to marriage... then it ensures that you will cycle through a serious of marriage partners. I'm not sure I understand exactly what you mean by that. I'm still on the first in the "series", and its lasted a lot longer than most.
Nope - don't know and I don't think he would tell me if I asked. I am considering seeing if I can talk him into sex therapy. Maybe he would tell a sex therapist. At this point marital therapy isn't the need that we have.
The comment that Dom cited wasn't something I said it was somethign Cac said. My "committment" can be questioned but I believe I'm the one who said that whatever under the table issues there are, they aren't necessarily deal breakers.
It's obvious that you've got some really tough issues to deal with right now. I think its pretty likely that your husbands "love and bond button" and "f@ck button" may not be pushed by the same thing, it's pretty common. For some it's marry the nice guy / screw the jerk. Others marry straight / screw the same. There is the classic marry Madonna / screw whore or whatever / whatever.
I think you have to lay your cards on the table with your husband, you don't want the relationship to be like this and you need professional help and a commitment on his part to work on the sexual aspect of your relationship.
First off, my apologies to karen: I misremembered you as saying that you had "never" had oral sex from your husband. However, scrolling back through your posts, I do not see such a thing. So, my mistake. sorry about that.
Originally Posted By: karen1
H is a hard nut to crack.
that he is.
Originally Posted By: lillieperl
Dom, I appreciate your optimism, but would you allow that it's POSSIBLE that karen's H does not WANT sex with a woman?
What you are really trying to do, is get me to say that I think it is possible that her husband is homosexual. Anything is possible. it's possible that I may be hit by a meteor as i sit here typing this. But it's not likely.
Originally Posted By: lillieperl
IOW the default condition is that a heterosexual man will want sex with a woman.
However, when a heterosexual man stops wanting sex with a woman.. that does not stop him from behing heterosexual. It may mean that he has devolved into being asexual.
Unless karen has noticed him checking out other guys' butts, or found a stash of gay porn somewhere.. there is no evidence to indicate that he is gay.
Or do you cry "lez! lez!" every time a husband bemoans the fact that his wife just doesnt want sex with him any more?
PS: my comment about commitment to marriage, was directed more at cac, not karen, since cac was the one who made the comments i quoted. although "directed at" is somewhat overly pointed. It was more a general comment, about a general "you". I was pointing out that if 'you' base your commitment in a relationship, around how much they 'genuinely and sincerely want you', then it is guaranteed that your commitment to the relationship will fail at some point, since pretty much ALL long-term relationships go through a lull in that sort of thing.
The ones that last, are the ones where the two people say, "i'm committed to you, and so I want to work on bringing back those feelings between us".
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back to Karen, and the "tough nut"...
[side note: you've never commented on my various "if you were a man" comparisons.. how about them? ]
I think my old opinion is still basically true. Karen, you basically seem to have have choices of "give up on sex", "try to fix husband", or "make the most of what he offers you" with additional flavorings of "confront him about offering you MORE".
"give up on sex", is an almost guaranteed way to ensure that you will eventually succumb to an affair down the line, of one form or another. Almost everyone in a similar situation, always says, "I NEVER thought i would ever do such a thing". But the built-up over years, eventually will probably get to you. you're only human.
"try to fix your husband" is a loosing battle. You cant "make" someone resolve an internal problem, if they dont want it fixed. You can ask you can make things more comfortable for him. You can possibly suggest, "if you are having problems, this counsellor/book might be a help to you"... but if they arent interested... no go. Sounds like you've already tried this, with the SSM book, and he wasnt interested. You can lead a blockhead to knowlege, but you cant make him think. (ya know, horse to water, etc...)
So, by process of elimination, the only thing left is: make the most of what you are offered, and also try to improve the quality of what you are offered.
A possibility: You MIGHT start out, by addressing the quality of sex, rather then the quantity, first of all.
The guy apparently truely cares for you, on an emotional level. This is an incredible asset!!! you are a really lucky woman in this reguard.
I'm going to make a separate post with an idea I have, 'cause I dont want it to get lost in this already long one
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
