I want to respond in more depth but I will say this:
I give him oral 9 of 10 times regardless of what I get or don't. I just don't complete the act if we have IC. It has had no effect on his willingness to provide direct stimulation of almost ANY sort to me.
I have been complimentary and appreciative of his advances and sexual offerings to the point of going overboard only to have him isolate and hide for weeks after.
H has been known to do a feast or famine plan where we have sex with some frequency for a week or so and then...................famine. That happens in the absence of any big crisis or anything so I just don't get it.
I understand the beginners mind concept and kind of feel that I am there in some respects. I have quit dwelling on my deficiencies, what I don't get sexually etc... I have quit trying to manuever sexuality from my H and quit having unproductive talks. I have provided companionship, friendship and partnership. I am not belittling, angry, obviously miserable, rude or anything else that would make the siutation worse. I have "let go" of my ideas of perfection to the extent that I would consider "accepting" a virtually sexless marriage if we reached certain agreements - above board not below as it is now. Right now we have tacit/wordless agreements to not poke at each other's insecurities and it isn't working. I would rather have straightforward agreements.
