It will be six weeks on Saturday that H dropped 2nd bomb that he wanted to move out and I asked him to stay and live as friends. He said it wouldn't work, but he is still living here (as he can't afford to move out)and we are lving like friends/flatmates.. What if he is happy with that and dosn't want to work at things? That would account for his upbeat behaviour and also account for the lack of affection and doing things together? In the long run can I live without affection and intimacy? No I don't want to.
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
My H never truly moved out during our whole D sitch. He was scheduled to be deployed and, therefore, wanted to stay in the house to be w/ the boys until he left. He did leave 2 different times, but only for a night or 2 each time.
Anyway, I can understand your concerns, and I will tell you up front that it also truly sucks having the H who wants a D in the house all the time. At times, I was so exhausted from trying to constantly keep up a 'front' that I was 'fine' w/ all of what was going on.
But, after saying all of that, I guess I would have to say that there are good & bad things to your H staying in the house as "friends." First, at least he is not "gone" and maybe finding out that he really does think the grass is greener. Secondly, he will be there all the time to be able to see first-hand the changes you are making in yourself and see that they are not just for show and not just so he "may change his mind."
Unfortunately, until he finally figures out what he truly wants, either to work on your M or actually D, you are in limbo. Either way, whether he is living in the house or not, it sucks for you, but like I said, at least w/ him there, you have the constant contact and he will see what he would be missing on a daily basis.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Go and talk to husband. Read his thread. He has lived as friends with his wife for a while and DBusted his a$$ off. he has now just asked for it to be more and is awaiting a response.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
disappointed, going nowhere means you're not moving backwards.
I know the fear you're talking about. I have it to. My xh is constantly reiterating that we're 'just friends'. Looking back over the months (and I mean months) though, and I can see the progress. It's just very gradual.
My one thought...if you're concerned things are too comfortable, you could try an experiment to shake things up. If it doesn't work, you can just go back to the current modus operandi.
The other thought I had...his moving out wouldn't necessarily be a death sentence. (It just feels like it.) Sometimes the space can be clarifying for everyone involved.
When this all first erupted, one of the things H said was that I held him back with his ambition. His ambition is to trek in the Himalayas or heli ski (high adrelene stuff at huge cost). My issue at the time was a) financial and b)it was at the time right after the birth of our 2nd s and when i needed him most. My argument was that i would be back at work full time and he would be gone for 3 weeks, who was going to support me with childcare? His argument was that if I wanted to go away to the furthest depths of the earth for a month and it would cost �10,0000 then he would find a way to support me. I told him that it was all in the timing, that the timing was wrong. I really felt resentful for his lack of consideration for the family and accused him of being totally selfish. I think i felt threatened in some way and obviously very insecure. He works at a school and has huge holidays, so he felt it ok to fill his time. When he wanted to go I told him if he wanted to go then fine, but not to come back......So back to a few months ago, I told him he should do it and get it out of his system. Well i've just read an email from his friend (the one with no morals) and it looks like H is about to book something asap. My first reaction is one of anger (i don't know why, since I told him to go) but also the fact that he's discussed it with his friend and not me!! Maybe it's what he needs, maybe that is his 'greener grass'. But I think this would account for his upbeat behaviour. I also hate the fact that this friend is back on the scene and maybe saying things like 'you can go away now, nothing to stop you'. This is a friend who can afford to do heli skiing and have 'team bilding' weekends away with work. He has a wife who doesn't work and her family are very supportive. We are not in a similar situation. I just wish he told me... I don't trust this friend at all, We think he has ow all the time and buys his wife, he is controlling and narcistic, he is not a good influence on my H and I was a lot happier when H didn't have contact with him for a couple of months.
I know i'm not about to be served papers or dealing with ow but I'm just feeling really wobbly and shaky and i've lost a bit of confidence and PMA, I feel like i'm waiting for something to happen, that H is been nice to me because he is plotting and planning this trip and not because he is happier with us.
Thanks for listening.
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
d, well, I didn't have a good experiment in mind. I was hoping you would.
Ah. I totally understand this. But here's the thing...you did tell him to go...so wouldn't it seem selfish to backtrack now?
I'd say wait until he actually tells you he has plans. Then, at that point, be as supportive as possible. Once you've done the cheerleader routine: "Good for you! I know how badly you've wanted to do this, and thank you for waiting until the timing was better, it means a lot!" Then maybe you could say, "I'm concerned because of xyz."
things are not comfortable. Friends have just cancelled our dinner date. I texted H to tell him and asked if he wanted to go anyway, he replied 'i'll get a takeaway'. How can things be that friendly but he won't sit in a restaurant with me for a curry? Maybe i expected to much. Ifeel like i've been knocked back. I feel he is living as friends like I suggested, but to be honest i go out with friends for a meal and i hug and kiss them. I just feel we are plodding and I don't know how to move forward - i'm stuck!!!
Thanks for the advice about the trip.
xd
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Another thought...he may have mentioned it to his friend first because last time, you were less than receptive. Not to say there was anything wrong with your response. (I would have been the same way!) It just may have made him leery.
Maybe he didn't really want to go the restaurant, but had agreed because you were meeting friends. Maybe he'd rather stay home with you. Maybe he is just feeling tired because it's Friday. Who knows?? But, you're assuming.
Staying in the same place also means you're not moving backwards.
I don't think he wanted to go for a curry at all, our friends had missed our nights out and i casually said how about getting together again one night, he agreed, but without enthusiasm. I don't think he wants to stay at home with me he just didn't want to go out with me. He is never in if i'm in, he'll make an excuse to go out to the gym.
He has had his take away, a bath and now he's in bed. However, he is ALWAYS tired he is a workaholic, I agree i'm assuming, this negativity is something I need to work on. I became negative and needy when he stopped giving compliments and withdrawing himself, it was a gradual process but when i look back now it's been nearly 4 years.
It's a lonely old place.
keep talking, thanks for listening.
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Maybe he is just feeling tired because it's Friday. Who knows?? But, you're assuming.