H was very touchy this evening trying to strike convo. giving neck rubs rubbing my arm ect... Just wondering how he can do these things and still be disconnected. Are they trying to connect? Are they working on there issues or trying to take the short cut?(do ya know what i mean)
I answered H's ?'s when asked listend, was pleasant but distant. I can tell he was trying to draw me into talking and touching to make sure he had me where he wanted so that he didn't have to worry about me leaving because of his actions. Not this time I will stay detached until he comes thru this and will bring up no more R talk unless he does first and he won't until he comes thru this i know that.
I will continue to detach and lovingly distance myself. I will be kind do things for him but thats it. Oh one other thing I like the sex so that stays too. Although he will have to initiate.
It sounds to me he is in the final stage of acceptance and if I had any idea of that i wouldn't have even talked to him about M. Hope i didn't send him back in farther.
Any thought about where he is in his MLC?
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, Back in my days as a clueless H, I used to think I could smooth things over by making my W laugh. Stand your ground on this. YOU DESERVE CONNECTION IN THIS M. He needs to get this.
Think of ways you can influence him so that he can get a clue, and feel a 2X4 across his skull (tough love of course). Maybe you can put a copy of "It's Mostly His Fault" on his pillow, and tell him he needs to read it. Maybe you can send a message by sleeping in separate rooms, when you're feeling distant from him. Maybe you can express the frustratiion you feel in the form of anger. Is he seeing enough of your true emotions? Tell him that you think it's time for the both of you to go to marital therapy.
I see you two headed for separation or some marital crisis unless you see some changes in him. He doesn't realize how thin the ice is.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Im worried about you..how are you taking all of this?? I am glad that you are still keeping your distance but in a loving way. I understand completely how you feel..
Hang in there, and do what you need to, to protect your heart.
xxoo
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I do think he is trying to smooth things over while he works on himself(if he is). Sometimes I wonder if he thinks that if he just pushes stuff on to the back burner that all of the sudden he will feel ok with out having to work thru things.
I will stand my ground. No he isn't or should I say wasn't seeing enough of my true emotion. He is now as im'e being distant and will continue to take it to the next level.(Going out by myself and being mysterious again).
I think he may be starting to see How thin the ice is because I told him maybe we needed a separation (which he didn't want he said.
What makes me mad is the fact that I can't ever have an R talk with him without crying. I cry when im'e mad, or sad, or extremly happy. Don't know if that hurts the sitch or not.
IF it comes to the point that he isn't working enough on this i may do a LRT. Im'e thinking of seeing a A that works for the center here and have him do a letter out-lining D process and my intentions for half of everying accumulated in the M. He has no idea that i saw an A and that i know what to do and what my rights are. I would be financially able to live on my own if we were to D. I know this. That might encourage him work on the M as he would know that i meant bussiness. I would at that point have nothing to loose and a lot to gain(my happiness in life).
I can't make him do this work he has to or we will have no M.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Im'e doing well other than the fact that im'e just so tired of all of this and h's actions are just so damned confusing. You look at things as babysteps and he has had so many that you think you are so much farther, then you find out you aren't.
I know i still belong in piecing because i do feel that he's trying in his own way. Just don't know if it will be enough.
Time will tell
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I know you get just freakin tired of all of it.. I know. Im tired of the guessing and second guessing..I know my H usually had a logical reason for stuff.. but it doesn't stop the worrying for me. Hopefully that will change over time.
I know you are at the end.. I can tell.. mayve you need to say that to him at some point.. I know I had to and it did help, but I know your H doesn't like to talk so that makes it harder..
(((hugs)))
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Im'e thinking of asking h If he really doesn't want a Separation or is just too scared to tell me he does.( only because he seemed to hesitate when it was mentioned before)
also I would like to know if he just stays for lack of something better, and he's afraid of what he would lose financially.
Can you tell my feelings are still all over the place.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 10/04/0704:57 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Sorry it took so long to respond.. Got involved in cleaning...
Anyways, yes I can tell but your aloud .. i would probably come out and ask too, don't know if that is against dbing, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. The waiting and wondering is the hardest part. But you need closure, to find out where you stand, its the least he could do is tell you what is expectations are, or plainly if he wants to be with you and stay in this M. What could it hurt anyway, the worst that could happen is he may back off for a little bit, and you've endured worse than that!
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I am sorry it's such a confusing time for you, Jak. I still believe Piecing is worth it!
Meanwhile, I'll try to find the name of the book that I mentioned earlier about "exercises" you and your H can do together (things like a "vision for your marriage", etc). Maybe he could put things down on paper easier than he could talk. There were some things you do separately and then put them together and see where they overlap. Just an idea...
Meanwhile, I hope you will have a relaxing, worry-free weekend! Matilda
Although he will have to initiate.