Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

[LoginName]

cat, Thanks for your posts and thoughts.
In Frank's thread, you wrote
"Yea, I wanted my H to be gratefull for all "i've done and forgave", I wanted a freaking medal (from a person that right now doesn't even like himself)... for the forgiveness that was God's to give me to give my H.
Women are like waves, and from time to time we hit rock bottom, well, I hit wayyy rock bottom last night. I had told him--during our last and only MC session 2mts ago--that I would have 0 expectations so we can start afresh as friends, and there I was, spouting that I get no affection. GEEEEEEEEZZZZZ!!!"
You do deserve a medal, and I'll give you one. Someone needs to acknowledge the effort, tears, love that you have put into this. Here on these boards, I think we can recognize the effort and appreciate it.

I asked my C to help me figure out what I did wrong, what I needed to change about myself. He told me something that I think, if not used as an excuse, may apply to you, and many of us here. He told me that I could have done nothing wrong. My efforts may have been ineffective but not wrong. There may not have been anything we could have done or said. The problem is in our spouses. Your's doesn't like himself. In a way, that somes up my W too. They needed to find themselves,learn to like themselves and give themselves permission to be happy. We may not have really been a part of any of that. It could be that there is nothing we can or could do to make it better for them. Although we probably can make it worse for them and us.

Of course, this can be another trap for us. If we see ourselves as the "good" one, that isn't helpful. We are different, but not better. We have a different path in life that we are on. It sucks that we had to go through this as collateral damage to our spouses problems. Maybe we can learn from it too. If nothing else, as I told my W, it happened. Nobody "did it" to me or to us. It happened. Huricanes hit, tornadoes, earthquakes, etc, and the people affected by them aren't 'bad' people. It just happened.

Maybe this will apply to you too. My C hinted that I should be thankful for the bomb. It broke her pattern and habits. It is giving my W a chance to be healthy, and us a chance to find real intimacy. Is it worth it? Hell if I know. I'll stick around and try to find out.

I'm confused. We do need affection. You have a right to ask for what you want and need. I guess he has a right to say no to your request. Then what? I'm in the same boat. I'm chosing to find affection from others and in other ways while I wait for my W. I am chosing to see and acknowledge the little signs of affection my W does show me. I can do this partly because I know that if I need to, I can say that I tried but I have to move on. I know that I will be OK on my own, even happy, and that I would probably find another partner who could give me what I need and allow me to love her in return. But for now, I can wait.

geez, hope I don't sound preachy. If I do, I'm preaching to myself. :-)

I hope you start your new thread soon.