Hi any and all, I don't post much anymore and it makes it hard to keep up with what others are doing, experiencing. So to any and all, feel free to post on my thread and let me know how you are doing. I try to lurk, but if a thread locks, I sometimes find it hard to find the new thread. Let me know how to find you too.
Me? Life is wierd. I'm writing now because I was just thinking how nice it would be to have someone in my life who thought I was special and who I felt that way about too. I want that to be my W, but y'all know how that goes.
I've had some stuff happen, learned some stuff, but I'm not ready to write much.
Take care. Keep fighting the good fight.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
cat, Thanks for your posts and thoughts. In Frank's thread, you wrote "Yea, I wanted my H to be gratefull for all "i've done and forgave", I wanted a freaking medal (from a person that right now doesn't even like himself)... for the forgiveness that was God's to give me to give my H. Women are like waves, and from time to time we hit rock bottom, well, I hit wayyy rock bottom last night. I had told him--during our last and only MC session 2mts ago--that I would have 0 expectations so we can start afresh as friends, and there I was, spouting that I get no affection. GEEEEEEEEZZZZZ!!!" You do deserve a medal, and I'll give you one. Someone needs to acknowledge the effort, tears, love that you have put into this. Here on these boards, I think we can recognize the effort and appreciate it.
I asked my C to help me figure out what I did wrong, what I needed to change about myself. He told me something that I think, if not used as an excuse, may apply to you, and many of us here. He told me that I could have done nothing wrong. My efforts may have been ineffective but not wrong. There may not have been anything we could have done or said. The problem is in our spouses. Your's doesn't like himself. In a way, that somes up my W too. They needed to find themselves,learn to like themselves and give themselves permission to be happy. We may not have really been a part of any of that. It could be that there is nothing we can or could do to make it better for them. Although we probably can make it worse for them and us.
Of course, this can be another trap for us. If we see ourselves as the "good" one, that isn't helpful. We are different, but not better. We have a different path in life that we are on. It sucks that we had to go through this as collateral damage to our spouses problems. Maybe we can learn from it too. If nothing else, as I told my W, it happened. Nobody "did it" to me or to us. It happened. Huricanes hit, tornadoes, earthquakes, etc, and the people affected by them aren't 'bad' people. It just happened.
Maybe this will apply to you too. My C hinted that I should be thankful for the bomb. It broke her pattern and habits. It is giving my W a chance to be healthy, and us a chance to find real intimacy. Is it worth it? Hell if I know. I'll stick around and try to find out.
I'm confused. We do need affection. You have a right to ask for what you want and need. I guess he has a right to say no to your request. Then what? I'm in the same boat. I'm chosing to find affection from others and in other ways while I wait for my W. I am chosing to see and acknowledge the little signs of affection my W does show me. I can do this partly because I know that if I need to, I can say that I tried but I have to move on. I know that I will be OK on my own, even happy, and that I would probably find another partner who could give me what I need and allow me to love her in return. But for now, I can wait.
geez, hope I don't sound preachy. If I do, I'm preaching to myself. :-)
I hope you start your new thread soon.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
is the medal one of those foil chocolate ones? he he, I'll take it.
Originally Posted By: LoginName
that I should be thankful for the bomb. It broke her pattern and habits. It is giving my W a chance to be healthy,
That's correct, my H said shortly after the discovery "I'm acually glad it's over now, I couldnt' deal with it anymore" Yes, we had a pattern, a sick pattern of him pretending he was ok, that we were ok while he was medicating himself with the A. Now, for real, he's seeking help. Guess I'll stop beating myself for not pushing the T like I thought I should've, one day (before bomb) I told him that if things were not ok that I had found a good T he could see, he just looked at me and didn't say anything. It was his burden to bear, not mine, as you said, I am not responsible for his happiness, he is.
What eats me is that loads of twisted and sick mentalities he has I"m sure he's gotten from ow, who, according to my H, had many personality problems, distrusted everybody and tore him to pieces when he messed up (would blow up if he even chewed w his mouth open, stuff like that). My H constantly did things by mistake that made her drill him to death, and prob his appologies just made her madder, for he thinks there is no use to appologize "you should just not do it". This came to light that night when I brought up the fact that when he hurts me he never says sorry. So I finally told him "so, we should never mess up right? so I now have your word you'll never loose your temper ever again?" then he realized very VERY reluctantly that his theory about appoligies didnt' make sence. Much later on I asked him why he'd change like that, he was never like that before he left in 2005, the only thing he could say is that he is is prob fatalistic now.
Anyways, the issue that you and I can't rationalize away is the affection part. We both know our spouses are not there yet but that doesnt' stop us from yearning their touch, feeling them next to us, I hear you friend. On my end, I will try to be happy with baby steps, seeing my H act a bit more at ease, more relaxed, talking about renovating our home in the future, a future he sees in which we are together.
I think I've resigned for good as head of the improvement committee, trying to always meddle into my H's ways of doing things, so, that's a good thing.
Hope this day finds you fine and dandy, just came from my beloved zumba dance, boy I feel good! it's a beautiful day out there and we are here, alive and well to tell the tale
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, I've a friend who's given me some kudos, and that helps. I pretend my Global War on Terrorism medal is really for this Herculean effort I'm making now. Whatever gets us through it, right? Chocolate medals are definately in order.
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Guess I'll stop beating myself for not pushing...It was his burden to bear, not mine, as you said, I am not responsible for his happiness, he is.
Me too. Although I am trying hard to see where I've fallen short, or where I could improve. I fear going through this and NOT learning a lesson or two. It would make it seem less senseless if I improved.
When they say "it's not the OP" I guess they are right. They don't have As because the OP is better than us (especially in your case. In mine, the OP, from all I know, which isn't much, is one hell of a great guy (although he is divorced, and he slept with a married women)).
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Anyways, the issue that you and I can't rationalize away is the affection part. We both know our spouses are not there yet but that doesnt' stop us from yearning their touch, feeling them next to us, I hear you friend
Amen, This part is hard for me. Especially the balancing act, tight rope walking, of being detached but not too detached.
To make matters worse, I've had 2 (maybe 3) women express interest in me lately. I feel that if my M ends, I'll be able to find that affection if I want. I'm sorely tempted sometimes. But,it also gives me strength to keep fighting for my marriage. I feel confident, and the women help build my confidence.
Did you mean Rumba class? That's on my list of GAL goals, learn to dance. My W and I took ballroom back in college, and loved it. I'll get there eventually.
From what I can tell, you're doing great. We can't fail, we just can't be sure what the outcome will be
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
We can't fail, we just can't be sure what the outcome will be ==================== You are right, one way or another we will have learn valuable lessons and become better persons.
As someone said here , wonderful people dont' sleep with married women/men, nuff said.
Anywho... I'm glad you are being faithful and not giving in to temptation, don't make me beat them away with a stick :P I haven't been very brilliant lately, had semi-seriously perused the craigslist site for platonic friendships with guys, read profiles, but it seems they all just want some action, most of them. So, no thanks, and I've been warned not to even start on that path, so I wont', I'll just come here to harrass you
I heard Rumba sounds fun! I sure hope you look into it soon, my H and I used to practice at home with a DVD, last yr.I actually meant Zumba, it's the new craze this year, workout with lots of salsa, merengue, hiphop and belly dancing, boy, it wipes you out!
And we've survived another day LN
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
well, today won't be the day was another stinker. It seems everytime H comes from T he becomes more belligerent. I know they are working on him being more assertive and be able to speak his mind, but now it is just an offense if I dissagree with him, like stuff about the kids; it's like I shouldn't dare to dissagree because he's "made a call of judgement " and I shouldn't say my peace.
Yea, on the past I've said my peace enough and he was the one always avoiding conflict, which led to him internalizing everything and then explodign when he left.
Yes, it's good for him to learn to express himself, but half the time he's coming off pushy. I have a temper which i'm trying to keep in check, I worked and work hard on being patient and listen when he talks, but i'm finding it increasingly impossible to be calm when he's acting like mr-dont'-contract-me. GRRRRRRRRRR
Good thing i'm not going home right away, going out w/a friend, i'm pretty ticked off right now. Breath in- breath out....
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Surprisingly enough, I've a theory that may apply to your H's sitch. Most people do this as adolocents. Some wait until they are older and then i'ts more painful. It's related to MLC then, I think. Anyway, what most people do is they try on feelings, attitudes, personalities. They experiment. They try on an emotion, like anger, and they experiment with it. They'll over react and get too angry for a while, then maybe not enough, and hopefully find the right middle ground for them. This is part of the reason teens seem so emotional and melodramitic.
Your H is learning a new skill. He's trying it on and he doesn't really know how to do it yet. He's making some mistakes. Hopefully, because he's not a teen, he won't make as many mistakes and it won't take as long.
Meanwhile, he doesn't have to be rude or belligerent, and you can still have your boundaries. But maybe you could look at your response and ask yourself if you need to defend yourself or if you can let it go. If you need to defend yourself, if he has crossed the line, let him know.
I've been accused in the past of being patronizing. Don't be like me and tell your H that you know he's learning how to express himself and you'll be indulgent. In other words, don't be arrogant, right. Stick to issues. Stick to specifics and "I" statements. I don't think you (we) should be afraid to express our true feelings, but we have to be careful and not let the whole load of baggage we're carrying come with it. kwim?
this is tough, tricky stuff, aint it?
On a more positive note, I've looked back at Franks thread to see what people are saying there. It looks like there are and have been success stories; COG, runningoutoftime, ToughLover, and probably more. It cheers me to know some have and are making it. We'll make it too.
I thought you had made it, or were close. That makes me think I should expect more bad before things really get good in my sitch. I think we, especially our Spouses, have to really hit bottom before they, and we, can start back up for real.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Most people do this as adolocents. funny you should say this, because this is what the T said the first time he went to see her, that all this going out w/friends/op to make himself feel better was teenage behaviour, stuff he didnt' get to do when he was a teen. His mom was very conservative to the point of smothering, so, now all is coming out like hot lava.
Yes, it is a new skill to communicate and voice his opinions, guess i'm not used to that and have to learn to accept his dissaproval, in the past, I pretty much made all the desicions and he just went along with it. I forget that all he has to go by is the years of marriage in which I was the nagging bossy ball and chain, it's been barely one year of piecing and my 180's. The C told me in the past I would come off as abrasive sometimes in my efford to defend myself, I've been trying to work on that, guess I need lots more work iin the patience department
We have come a long way, yes, we can make it
Dont' let my sitch make you doubt yours, I don't know what your W's personal conflicts are, but my H is battling untreated ADHD, really messed up childhood issues surfacing now, prob some MLC remnant, depression on an off, lost of self streem and direction.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Wow, what an interesting night and morning. Last night, I was invited to happy hour with a female friend. This friend is 10 years younger than me, single, and has expressed an interest in me in the past, but, I thought we were working on being friends. I don't have any female friends, and was intrigued by the idea. What might I learn from a female friend? I need more friends. I need to GAL and get out some. Sounds like excuses now, and I must admit, it is nice having someone interested in you.
The happy hour was kind of a party near where I live. She had actually expected me to go by myself, even though I knew no one there, but she decided to come too.
She dressed for me. Very cute dress, hair done, great perfume. I was impressed. We couldn't find the group we were meeting at first, so we sat and talked with each other. We talked about how, if things don't work out in my M, we would like to give it a try - even though we both really get on each others nerves at times. It was very nice, intimate.
Later we found the group. I sat with them and had a really nice chat with a beautiful woman my own age. She said whe really hoped to see me again, and hoped I would go on the skiing trip they were planning. (I guess I should mention that I've removed my ring. Psychologically, it was driving me crazy. I didn't even think of it until this point, and then I felt guilty. As much for giving this woman a false impression as for not wearing it.)
I also talked to another attractive female, and an interesting gentleman from Ireland. I was the social butterfly and had a really nice time.
Then I drove my friend home, and received a really nice, loving, kiss (OK, 3) from her. I haven't been kissed in over a year by a woman. wow. But I think we are save. I don't expect to spend much if any time with her, and I think we can be friends, especially now that we got the kiss out of the way.
Now this morning, my W called. We had a nice talk, about the kids, our jobs, beauty of fall, etc... I think I've mentioned that my W had said ILY on the phone awhile ago. Today I felt it was time to return it. When the conversation ended, I said ILY, and she said ILY too. Wow. I hope she is sticking to her promise to only say what she means. She sounded a little strained when she said it. I won't push or even mention the incident for a while. But it was nice to hear anyway. There does seem to be hope.
I'm not getting my hopes up though. Slow and easy. And not expecting anything. I'm still ready to move on with out her, if needed.
The hard work is still to come.
the tricky part is balancing on moving closer to my W, while still being prepared to move on. It's frustrating, because if she was ready, I could move very close to her, and really love her. Patience, eh?
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
and we are here, alive and well to tell the tale 
Most people do this as adolocents. Some wait until they are older and then i'ts more painful. It's related to MLC then, I think. Anyway, what most people do is they try on feelings, attitudes, personalities. They experiment. They try on an emotion, like anger, and they experiment with it. They'll over react and get too angry for a while, then maybe not enough, and hopefully find the right middle ground for them. This is part of the reason teens seem so emotional and melodramitic. 