Saffie, This morning my wife called me to make sure my son and I were up getting ready for school/work. I could tell there was something wrong. Because I tried to make small talk but she basically didn't say anything. I few times I said, "Are you there?" I am so confused. She called but she was the one who sat there in silence. Did I mess up by asking if everything was ok and if she is upset with me or anything I had said to let me know. Again only reason I said those things is because of the dead silence on the phone
Don't worry about her and messing up. Think about you and your plans for getting through the day and working on making yourself stronger.
I know you love your wife and care about her but you cannot control what she does. Do not worry about her happiness - it is out of your control. She is doing this to herself - you are not forcing her to be with OM. Do you think if you had your son last night she was with OM, (with new underwear) and it wasn't good for them? We don't know, but better to think that than that it was all fireworks etc. I think OM business is getting to your W. Just don't be too ready to cushion her from the blows he causes - they are not your fault.
Stay strong my friend, stay strong. Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
When she has strong silences it is NOT up to you to fill the gap - you be silent too and see what comes out of her mouth. She may have been trying to work herself up to telling you something.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Damn, see that's what I mean, I messed up. If I had shut my mouth, you're right, she may have been trying to say something. Instead I put my foot in my mouth to see if she was upset with anything I had said to her before. No last night my son stayed with her so they could not spend the night together. Our son stays with me tonight so I am going to be up most of the night wondering if the OM is there. I know I have no control over that Saffie, but I won't be able to stop thinking about it tonight.
Try and think of nice things to do with your son to distract you.
Plan what you could do for halloween. Get him to help with dinner - make pizza or something together. Watch a video that he likes. Make a model if he is into that sort of thing. Play some board games. Make it an adventure so that it is a distraction for you and a wonderful memory for him. Undoubtedly he will talk about his great evening to his mom and that can only win you brownie points with your W. You gotta start thinking outside of the box a bit!!
What you mustn't do is beat yourself up. Learn from any mistakes you make and move on.
I had to do really stupid things to get me through. OW in my case was plumper and not as attractive as me so I made a voodoo doll of her out of a cabbage patch doll - a barbie doll was way too thin - and my youngest D and I stuck pins in it. It only went on for a couple of weeks but made us feel much better, ( apart from the fact we felt bad for the doll!!!!!!)
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks Saffie, I actually liked you idea about the cabbage patch doll, you are pretty creative. I will try to do things tonight with my son to distract us. The hard part will be once he is asleep and I lie there all night. This moring my son said out of the blue that he missed mommy (a few minutes after she dropped him off.)I said that was ok and asked him why he was feeling blue when he just seen mommy a few minutes ago and he told me that's because he wants to stay with both of us. That almost broke my heart. I asked him if he ever told mommy that and he said no. I told him everything will be ok. I'm not sure why he confided in me about his feelings on that when he's always been closer to my wife and should I tell her what he said?
I don't know, but he needs to know he can tell EITHER of you anything. He needs to tell his mom if he feels that way. Actually I wouldn't tell her what he said as she may think you are trying to use him to manipulate her. It is much better coming directly from your son to her.
As for tonight after your son is in bed. You need to do something to distract you.
What are your interests? Is there anything you have wanted to do in a while but haven't done because you are married and it wouldn't fit in?
I think I told you before, I do SUDOKU to stop me thinking about other things. Also I think you could do with reading a book I am currently plowing my way through. It's called 'Learned Optimism' by Martin E P Seligman. It's good. He has also written another book called Authentic Happinness that I am going to read next. These books can give you a healthier way of looking at things and explain why you see them the way you do at the moment. They teach you life skills.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, I am totally depressed and my mind is going crazy right now. My wife has only emailed me a few one sentence emails today instead of the normal flow. Do you think it is her or do you think I messed up last night when she could tell I was down and now she is upset with me because of the way I acted last night and she doesn't want to interact with me now? Yes I know logically I am being pathetic but emotionally I can't help it
