I want an authentic life now, too, mk. but the only one I can have right now is w/o H, and that for me is hard to just proceed with. I need to...I know I do. I see myself thinking of us reconciling in the long run, and I need to stop that. stop thinking in terms of US. stop thinking in terms of THEM. start thinking in terms of ME. I don't know why that is so hard. I still am in shock about the whole thing I think. disbelief. the reality is staring me in the face, but its like I just can't accept it.
I've been doing some thinking about what Dom and a few others have said about my anniversary, and how I should let H say whatever he wants to that day. I think part of my problem is that I think he won't say anything. yes, I dread the pity/sympathy, but what if it really is just another day to him. I can see it easily being like that...its a work day, and I highly doubt he's thinking about our anniversary nearly as much as ours. I'm not saying he won't think about it at some point, but it won't mean the same to him as it does to me. he left me a long time ago in his heart, it seems. he's let me go, detached, all of that. He doesn't have the same emotional ties to days that I do (lets face it, though, few people do).
so I need to play that scene over and over in my mind, if I do treat the day as normal, at least as far as he is concerned. no, I won't bring up the anniversary, but if I answer the phone like normal at least, before handing it off to the kids.
2 weeks to think about it, right?
not sure I can handle having him come here to actually see the kids, though. I'm not. I will lose it if I see him, and that is NOT a good idea, right?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
