There and Back, #8

[nephartiti]

Morgan, rant as much as you need to. No more, no less. This is a hard time. Let it come, let it flow, let it go.

Things are going better for me than before but it still feels so impossible. I had a meltdown today in the car on the way to the bank. No real reason. No upcoming anniversary. Just because. If I can meltdown just because, then you are definitely entitled.

Re: H and OW. They are in La La Land, remember. That is what it is all about. No worries, just fun. Then reality comes crashing down, as you have seen your H struggle with. It is not all roses all the time. They create this facade so they can keep going, but eventually the rose colored glasses have to come off.

I believe that if H and I reconcile, we will have to start all over. New wedding, new marriage, etc. I think our current marriage is dead. I might not even acknowledge our next anniversary. Our five year R anniversary is in Nov, but our old R is dead, gone, buried. I am starting a new R with my H. It is awkward and basically friendly at the moment. Maybe it won't go beyond that. Maybe we can work back up to partners. I don't know. Maybe this perspective will help you see things differently. Go easy on yourself. Don't beat yourself up about the cookies either. I bet they were fabulous.

[mkultra]

I think that is a good idea. it does happen. People fall back into their old patterns. But some develope some new ones that are even better. I just think we need to see how much better we are after living a more open transparent life. I actually feel like someone who has come out of the closet. Like a huge relief. Does that make sense? I think a lot of people must be in loveless, hopeless stuck marriages that are fake on the outside. I do not have that choice anymore. I want an authentic life now. No more closets.

[SallyM]

thanks, all.

I want an authentic life now, too, mk. but the only one I can have right now is w/o H, and that for me is hard to just proceed with. I need to...I know I do. I see myself thinking of us reconciling in the long run, and I need to stop that. stop thinking in terms of US. stop thinking in terms of THEM. start thinking in terms of ME. I don't know why that is so hard. I still am in shock about the whole thing I think. disbelief. the reality is staring me in the face, but its like I just can't accept it.

I've been doing some thinking about what Dom and a few others have said about my anniversary, and how I should let H say whatever he wants to that day. I think part of my problem is that I think he won't say anything. yes, I dread the pity/sympathy, but what if it really is just another day to him. I can see it easily being like that...its a work day, and I highly doubt he's thinking about our anniversary nearly as much as ours. I'm not saying he won't think about it at some point, but it won't mean the same to him as it does to me. he left me a long time ago in his heart, it seems. he's let me go, detached, all of that. He doesn't have the same emotional ties to days that I do (lets face it, though, few people do).

so I need to play that scene over and over in my mind, if I do treat the day as normal, at least as far as he is concerned. no, I won't bring up the anniversary, but if I answer the phone like normal at least, before handing it off to the kids.

2 weeks to think about it, right?

not sure I can handle having him come here to actually see the kids, though. I'm not. I will lose it if I see him, and that is NOT a good idea, right?

[Reincarnated]

Oh, Morgan...I've been there. I knew that my day would not be good, so I went to spend time with a close friend. I didn't speak to my H at all that day, just journaled at the end of the night. I took myself kayaking...it was a beautiful day, the weather was perfect, and I took my camera for some self-expression. It was calm. It was soothing. And although it was bittersweet, it was not devestating.

Two weeks to think about it?! Why do that to yourself? Better to celebrate the gift of the day, just for you. Plan something that you can look forward to, just for yourself. Let H have the kids for the day, or get a sitter.

Drive down to CT, I'll play hooky and we'll sit in a girl's spa for the day, getting massages...

[SallyM]

thanks, donna. I don't mean 2 weeks to think about it, meaning it would be my focus for 2 weeks. more like I have 2 weeks till I have to make a decision as to how I want the day to go.

spa day sounds nice, btw. very nice. no sitter, though, which is okay, because at this point I still want to spend the day with them.

I really am going to be okay, just looking at the day differently, I guess.

[LL44]

Good morning morgan.

It might be good that you are thinking about this up until the day, it will give you a chance to get ready. Your H (one of the top ten hard ones to figure out) will not forget this day, might be moody before or after, but also will mourn the passing. Just like you, he can't turn off all the years you have together, no matter what he is doing now.

I hope you can decide what you want to do, who you want to see, and fill your day up however it makes you happy.

PS: I also think of us reconciling in the future, far future, but you are right. I think we need to learn how to shut that off.

[SallyM]

'morning, lwb. hope all is well in your world.

I think I just need to have some pocket responses for whatever the occasion brings. helps me. I've already worked out my response if/when H says he wants a divorce, so think I need to do the same here. it may sound like overthinking, but for me it just works better...helps me keep the emotions in check. the hardest thing for me is going to be to SHUT UP. literally. I don't mean not bring it up to him, I can do that at this point. I mean in response to whatever he says, if he does say anything. let him speak, don't speak over him, don't shrug it off, don't run from it, don't confront it, just let it be. let him talk, if he wants to. and be prepared that he may not want to, or even think of it.

feel like I'm rambling. D3 got up at 1:30 to pee and I never got back to sleep. HATE that. ugh. after dropping the kids off at school today I actually came home and took a nap. just a short one...maybe 15 minutes, but i feel a little better. just not as coherent as I'd like.

[Gingersnap]

Hi Morgan,

Don't know if I've introduced myself. Just another struggling soul finding her way through this mess. You sound like you're doing pretty good.

The key is to divert your thoughts when you begin thinking of H or M. Just consciously shift your thoughts. I know...easier said than done. I have done the popular "My H is dead...." because he is inside. He's gone. I'm focusing on myself and my kids. Our future is bright no matter what. So is yours.

God bless!
~G

[SallyM]

hey gingersnap, nice to meet you. thanks for the support. shifting thoughts is good. I don't do the dead thing, but just staying "stop!" is usually enough. the next couple of weeks will be hard, and part of me needs to focus on the nostalgia factor, I think, a bit, to let things go.

can I just say I love your, "I choose Joy" at the end of your siggy. excellent. really excellent.

[Gingersnap]

Thanks...the "I choose Joy." comes from the realization (since this is my second time around with this mess) that when H leaves me on the fence while he ponders whether I'm worth it I tend to naturally Stop. I just stop living. I get consumed with HIM. And quite frankly he's just not worth it. With him gone and not being abusive anymore (he was excellent at making me feel insignificant - no respect at all) I am free to enjoy my space - my life - my kids. And I am. Life is continuing parallel to all of his MLC fog. And he's missing out on a lot. My D won't be 5 much longer - my S is already in 3rd grade. If I stop living again I'll have missed much of their childhood.

Ahhh...I digress on your thread ;). Anyway, God is my source of strength and I get so much from Him that my H can never give. So I stop looking for H to give it and turn to God. And by doing that I've made a choice...

Hope things continue looking up for you!

G