Thanks for your words of encouragement. They helped; I'm feeling better today.
Yes, several fun things are on the horizon. I'm excited about the move to the new apartment next week. I've already purchased some new things for it, and will start shopping more once I sign the lease. My monastic life is over! Time to surround myself with some beauty, time to get creative, to bring out a side of me that I haven't shown much of. My wife is a wonderful decorator, and she taught me some things about where to shop, etc. Time to apply those lessons in my own way.
I'm going to a couple of concerts in November; going to visit my cousin and her husband in Maine in two weeks, and have signed up for a meditation retreat in California in early January. As soon as I saw news of the retreat, I knew I had to be there. Meditation and eastern philosophy is something I am eager to learn more about as I journey inward. I've read some works in that area and have tried some basic meditations. I've signed up for a walk to benefit the American Heart Association, and I'm looking into other volunteer activities as well.
So, I'm not sitting around feeling sorry! Yesterday was rough, but that is to be expected on this ride. I'm not giving up on the marriage, but there are days when I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and wonder why I continue to do so. Then I tell myself that everything she's doing is textbook--none of it surprises me, though some days it hurts a lot.
I am really weighing with even greater detachment--no more flowers, no more "love" in the email signatures. Part of me is scared, though, that if I pull back even further there's nothing left. Part of me also thinks however, that she may be assuming that I'll always be there, so she ought to have her fun. Hard to know what to do some days.
Make it a good day, and keep posting. I find this immensely helpful. Thanks.
