The Course of an Affair

[25yearsmlc]

Larry,

ouch for you. I do understand your approach to the pending divorce. I get it. You will likely feel less vulnerable as you will be "bracing" yourself for what MIGHT be inevitable. All true. And if you can detach without too much anger, I doubt you'd be worsening anything and really that is the only risk isn't it? That somehow, by kind of accepting things, we are somehow allowing them or even causing them. In your sitch, IF you really know your wife isn't "testing" your love and if you really know that she knows how you feel about her, then it probably isn't making anything worse for the M by accepting the possible ending. And, since you haven't been doing it much, it IS a 180' and who knows where that might go?

By the way, sorry, but I had to chuckle at the New Catholic you think your wife will become. Sorry but it does NOT work that way. Except for the Kennedys (and not all of them were successful at this either) I have never heard of a Catholic PARENT in a long term marriage being granted an annulment, which I assume you are implying that she somehow expects to get????!!! wth???!!! No way. I went to law school at Catholic University in Washington DC and if your wife gets an annulment I will do two things for you: 1) I will buy you a large drink, and 2) I will write a letter to the diocese that grants it---I SWEAR- I will do that.

As for the untying of the tubes--funny, but I thought of doing that the other day after holding a friend's newborn. I just felt sort of sad that my days of being pregnant and a new mom, are Apparently over. Of course, when I actually thought out the idea of being pregnant again, and having a newborn and all the realities that go with it, the idea of being a grandma in a few years held a lot more appeal. So, I snapped out of it. Hey, if it did happen, I'd be happy. But the idea of "making" it happen at this point, sure does smack of MLC big time...your wife is just hallucinating and it's amazing how long her delusions are lasting. HOWEVER, you raise a good point about the age thing. I just don't know your activity level, her libido, etc. Maybe you are avoiding a lot of pain down the road....who knows?

I told you about my aunt with the ex h, who had repeatedly cheated on her. After he finally left her for ow#4(?), my aunt was devastated for years. But one day when his "new wife" (ie the woman he left my aunt for) actually called my aunt looking for the man, my aunt realized how much pain she had avoided b/c she no longer had to deal with his infidelity, but his subsequent wife sure did. Plus, the "new" wife would always know she had married a man who left his first wife and kids for her, so why wouldn't he cheat again? And he did and still does to this day. Yes, he DID do my aunt a favor by leaving, and it took that phone call from his wife to my aunt, for my aunt to fully realize it.

IF you are in a similar sitch, maybe your new approach will help you realize this sooner. And if you are not in a similar sitch, maybe your new approach will help your wife realize that too. You sound like a good catch, warts and all. And please make sure your kids, no matter how adult they are, KNOW you are always going to be grounded on this planet, for them. That you are still a "rock" they can count on.

It could be that nothing else matters for now. That, and you believing that there is a plan for us, and that even if the plan does not include your marriage staying intact, it does mean you are not alone.

Stay strong, try to laugh each day, and believe in The Plan. There is one.
j-