muddled and angry: Puddle's third thread

[Puddle]

Hey Nomo!

Hi Puddle. On BB now, but let me try to respond to a few things in the last few posts.

Not sure what a BB is (Blackberry?), but if it's one of those handheld things with no keyboard (you know, the kind I KNOW CVA is on most of the time ), then I'm impressed.

3. Puddle, don't sweat h's not so friendly responses. He is not going to trust any changes at first. You have to be consistent over a period of time. His initial reactin to your change (launched by your email) will be skepticism. Wouldn't yours?

I think what H is probably thinking is something along the lines of, great, she's going to play the game, but what the hell is she really thinking?!

Hope it helps

Always. Thank you.

Hey CVA! Got your cell in one hand and your other technological thingamajig in the other?

Isn't guilt or the spectre of guilt what keeps us from doing all sorts of stupid things in life??? Yes, it absolutely is so people feeling guilt is not all bad.

Yeah, I think that's what they call a conscience. But unfortunately, it's that thing that we can't turn on for the WAS; they have to do it themselves (or not), while we wait (or don't).

At the beginning of all this, H said he wanted to be sure he wasn't in the M just because he "should be," and I thought, "Um, I'm all for the doing things because you should thing." Alas.

It's the idea that it blocks them from feeling affection that I agree with.

Not sure what you mean here. Can you explain?

Just food for thought, no real advice or solution, crap, I was hoping after typing all this on my BB I would have some words of advice or a revelation.

No worries, my friend, I always welcome your thoughts, insights, or plain old ramblings! If you have a revelation, we'll all be happy to hear it, I'm sure! In the meantime, happy boob-shirt hunting.

I had to write acknowledgments today for a book I finished a while ago. It was weird writing to my kids, not H. Oh well.

Take care, all.

[Heimlich]

Two quick thoughts before retiring early for a change of pace (why did I call an editorial meeting for 7 tomorrow? eesh).

1. Guilt is definately there, I think, somewhere in the WAS. Might be deep, but it's there. I've read in a couple of spots that getting out of the way lets that guilt get to the surface more quickly because they're not fighting us, but have to confront their actions (also allows the positive feelings to come back as well). Hand in hand with this is that the LBS is full of fear at losing the R. Letting go of that fear that everything is going to be lost is the hardest -- and scariest -- part of this whole thing (IMO). We cling from fear. I think some of us also cling from guilt (I know that I feel guilty -- less than before, but it's still there -- for what this is doing to my girls and for not seeing what I was doing to my W, and to myself, in the past few years.). Gotta let 'em go. Let go of that rope too.

2. Crap, Revenge of the nerds distracted me, what was my point????? Oh yeah, don't get CVA worked up by talking about his thingamajig.


[[[[[[[Puddle}}}}}}}

We'll all get through this and be better on the other side of it.

BD

[Not Much Left]

Sorry Puddle
What I meant was what Nomo was saying regarding taking away the guilt which can sort of free up their ability to have good times with you vs the tension they may feel with the guilt.

That sucked but best I can do. My BB is my phone too! Most are these days. I was driving home drom the airport reading when I realized I was off the road and if there had been someone on the shoulder of the road I would have killed them and me....I stopped reading my BB and will not do it again


BTW, watching Chelsea Handler on E! Channel, she is hot because although she is no 100lb etite chick, her personality makes her super sexy! Very agressive and says what she thinks.

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

getting out of the way lets that guilt get to the surface more quickly because they're not fighting us, but have to confront their actions (also allows the positive feelings to come back as well).

I completely agree with this. I'd love to be there to see it when it happens, but since that's an internal thing, I doubt I'll get the chance (if it happens at all). And I'm afraid my H is one of those people who'd never tell me even if he had doubts eventually.

We cling from fear. I think some of us also cling from guilt (I know that I feel guilty -- less than before, but it's still there -- for what this is doing to my girls and for not seeing what I was doing to my W, and to myself, in the past few years.). Gotta let 'em go. Let go of that rope too.

I'm definitely in the fear camp. I know I bear some responsibility for the spot we're in, but probably like me standing in the way of H getting to the guilt, his actions are standing in the way of me getting to my own. I'll have to take a good, hard look at it, of course, and I am, for myself. But re our R where it is now, I'm pretty squarely blaming him right now. Something to watch.

don't get CVA worked up by talking about his thingamajig.

You'll note the careful inclusion of the word "technological" before "thingamajig." Didn't want to get CVA excited. Maybe something to think about for the title of your next thread, CVA?

[[[[[[[Puddle}}}}}}}

We'll all get through this and be better on the other side of it.

Thanks, Heim. It's *always* good to be reminded of that! You, too, my friend.

What I meant was what Nomo was saying regarding taking away the guilt which can sort of free up their ability to have good times with you vs the tension they may feel with the guilt.

Gotcha.

I was driving home drom the airport reading when I realized I was off the road and if there had been someone on the shoulder of the road I would have killed them and me....I stopped reading my BB and will not do it again

Yes, please stop that! We need your humor and energy. Hope your homecoming was well received by all.

BTW, watching Chelsea Handler on E! Channel, she is hot because although she is no 100lb etite chick, her personality makes her super sexy! Very agressive and says what she thinks.

I have no idea whom you're talking about, and the "100 lb elite chick" description is downright scary! "Aggressive and says what she thinks" sounds like a female CVA, though, had you noticed?

By the way, CVA, I thought of you the other day when I popped into the grocery store and straight into the path of a woman with massive, very fake breasts highlighted by a tight, red shirt with a cutout from cleavage to just below the neckline. My eyes couldn't have been any more drawn to her bosoms if she'd had flashing, neon arrows pointing to them. Made me smile, in a funny way, and I noticed everyone around her was smiling. Sorry you missed it!

Take care, everyone.

[SunnySeason]

Hi Puddle,

I believe Homer would suggest saying something like this: "I would have preferred to save this marriage [at least for the kids?]. But I see now that you are right, that is impossible. I will work with you to make this as easy as possible."

We'll see the results of this together, since I said the same thing to my H a couple of days ago.

I have to say, so far it's going right by the book.
The hardest part is not responding to his pursuing. There is a difference in his attitude already, so we'll see.

I thought your e-mail was perfect & I think Nomo's right, it doesn't surprise me that his initial reaction wasn't positive.

The fact that I'm hardly ever home while my H is here, or on my way out the door, seems to be troubling him, as it appears that I'm moving on.

Looking forward to seeing how things unfold for all of us.

L&L,

Sunny

[Puddle]

Hey sunny,

Thanks for stopping by!

I have to say, so far it's going right by the book.

How do you mean? though...

The hardest part is not responding to his pursuing. There is a difference in his attitude already, so we'll see.

I assume you mean you're retreating and he's pursuing? Lordy, could this be any more like high school (with higher stakes)?

I thought your e-mail was perfect & I think Nomo's right, it doesn't surprise me that his initial reaction wasn't positive.

Yes, I'm going to be interested to see how he responds when he does. So far I've only received an email saying "Not sure why you didn't just call." Argh.

The fact that I'm hardly ever home while my H is here, or on my way out the door, seems to be troubling him, as it appears that I'm moving on.

That sounds good. I've been away a lot, too, though H doesn't seem troubled by it in the least! I think it's a relief for both of us.

Looking forward to seeing how things unfold for all of us.

As am I. Here's hoping it goes well.

Take care.

[Not Much Left]

Puddle
So it is really working already? I need to think about this approach.

Sorry, I left the "p" off of "petite". why is a 100lb petite girl scary? Do I really come across as aggressive and say what I think kind of guy?.....me? Mr boy next door....ok,ok, I have been told this before but when I look in the mirror I don't see it?

[Puddle]

Hey CVA,

Working already? He's just as standoffish as ever, perhaps more so---he practically ran out of the house this morning. Not sure if that's "working"....

I read your "etite" as "elite," and it reminded me of some really smarmy guys I know who talk about "high-quality chicks."

I can't believe you're not a guy who says what he thinks. How do you see yourself?

I'm off to camp for the weekend, no BB, phone-emailer, laptop, nada, so I wish you all a good one. Should be an interesting trip (H is coming tomorrow night). Keep your fingers crossed for me to keep myself well together.

Take care.

[Not Much Left]

Have a good one! I do say what I think, just fishing for feedback on how I come across!!! Backhanded compliments are good too.

Good luck
C

[Nomopo]

Hi Puddle (and all):

Catching up with some of the later night posts:

Not sure what a BB is (Blackberry?)

Yes!

3. Puddle, don't sweat h's not so friendly responses. He is not going to trust any changes at first. You have to be consistent over a period of time. His initial reactin to your change (launched by your email) will be skepticism. Wouldn't yours?

I think what H is probably thinking is something along the lines of, great, she's going to play the game, but what the hell is she really thinking?!

Basically the same thing I was addressing anyway. Consistent, over time. And demonstrated through actions is better than words.

Hand in hand with this is that the LBS is full of fear at losing the R. Letting go of that fear that everything is going to be lost is the hardest -- and scariest -- part of this whole thing (IMO). We cling from fear.

And getting past that fear, letting go of that fear, truly realizing it will be ok, and even better than ok, is tremendously important I think.

getting out of the way lets that guilt get to the surface more quickly because they're not fighting us, but have to confront their actions (also allows the positive feelings to come back as well).

I completely agree with this. I'd love to be there to see it when it happens, but since that's an internal thing, I doubt I'll get the chance (if it happens at all). And I'm afraid my H is one of those people who'd never tell me even if he had doubts eventually.

Ditto about my W if she ever has doubts. But, oh well, we can't control that so we can't worry about it. Let it go.

his actions are standing in the way of me getting to my own. I'll have to take a good, hard look at it, of course, and I am, for myself. But re our R where it is now, I'm pretty squarely blaming him right now. Something to watch.

Somthing for you to work on. An opportunity for AFGE. (Another F*cking Growth Experience!)

By the way, CVA, I thought of you the other day when I popped into the grocery store and straight into the path of a woman with massive, very fake breasts highlighted by a tight, red shirt with a cutout from cleavage to just below the neckline. My eyes couldn't have been any more drawn to her bosoms if she'd had flashing, neon arrows pointing to them. Made me smile, in a funny way, and I noticed everyone around her was smiling. Sorry you missed it!

CVA has ruined this place. Actually, CVA, did you see my loink on the songs that inspire/cheer you? I think you will like it!

I need to think about this approach.

Of course you do. Have you read Homer? Do you have it? Poorly written, but some points/strategies to consider.

Working already? He's just as standoffish as ever, perhaps more so---he practically ran out of the house this morning. Not sure if that's "working"....

Patience grasshopper. Give it a few weeks at the very least. If ity doesn't work, you can always abandon the strategy. It's not like your D will be final in the next 6 weeks, right?

I can't believe you're not a guy who says what he thinks. How do you see yourself?

He's a great guy - driven, intense, successful, good looking. And the drive and intensity has served him very well in life. Made him the success he is. But the pusher in him, like all of us with a healthy pusher, can be overwhelming to others in Rs with us. And like me, he can't see it in himself. I see myself as sweet, easy going, nice - a real pushover. I can pretty much assure you W sees something very different. And CVA has felt it, my IC has felt it, Sunny has felt it. So it's there. Self awareness is the first step. Reigning it in is next.

I'm off to camp for the weekend, no BB, phone-emailer, laptop, nada, so I wish you all a good one. Should be an interesting trip (H is coming tomorrow night). Keep your fingers crossed for me to keep myself well together.

Have a great trip!!!!!!!

Nomo