new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

So went over to H's house tonite to pick up son and we hung out for a while 5:30 until 7 or so. Wasnt a whole lot of joking or laughing or anything...we talked about ppl we knwo on the other board and what they are up to. (sad isnt it?) He got out his mP3 player or ipod or whatever it is and played soem songs for me that he really likes. They are sort of depressing but I think he relates to them. One fo the bands he likes so much that he has met them 3 or 4 times this summer and even tattoed the lyrics on his back. A little extreme but important to him.

Goes something like 'I'm thankful for the day I stole the sun from the sky and learned how to fly' He said it was his mantra or something. I have the cd...he burned it for me but it sort of makes me sad

So i hadto go at lunch and pick up a cheque that has to go into my account. On a whim I asked if he wanted to have lunch at the market while I am downtown or perhaps jsut coffee. He said he had made prior commitments. He probably expected me to get nasty and upset. I did not have any expectations that he wold go tho and so no disappointment. I said OK cool see you then and did not ask who he was doing what with becasue it doen not really matter, right? I feel good with that. TRULY not upset or bothered. Am I detaching again. DO I really not care? Hmmmm. Keeping me in the dark about what he is doing and with whom is his big thing now. Creates a mystery which is something they suggest on the other board. He really does this.


So I went to pick up the cheque at lunch. Aaron had a cigarrette with me (dirty filthy habit!!! quit as soon as I am not so stressed! ) and he has always, since we seperated been very vague and secretive about what and who is doing things with. Much like today. He said he had 'prior committments' and I was fine with that.

We chatted for a minute and then he said well...I am starting to train a guy on how to work out so I need to go meet him now.

This was interesting to me. He did not have to tell me what or who he was doing or spending his lunch hour with. But he did. I just mentioned that that was good. HE enjoys stuff like that. TOld him I would see him after work and left. BUT it felt good that he was ok teklling me what he was doing and even better knowing he did it without me asking!!!

Dont know if my interactions today were good or bad, they just were. We did have some joking back and forth by email this morning and I guess that was good but it is what it is i guess.

I have thought a lot forrest about what you said about being home in 30 days and I know that this can never happen as he would not allow it to happen that fast. He has been trained that a reconcilliation takes a very long time. i year to 18 months and i truly think he will stick to those guidelines.

[Forrest Gump]

This is what it is all about. Do you want me to walk you through the high points or can you see them? For a minuite there I could see you "In the Rain" Biggest high point.. He saw it to.

What did I tell you last night you needed? Where did it come from?

Does Michelle not say "Act as If" keep think about what I told you. If you thinking it will happen it likely will. Both good things and bad things.

I'll say it. This I am proud of. Good job.

[cliffy]

I think this is great interaction, keep up the great work.

[littlebitlost]

Thanks cliffy: I am trying to continue just being and enjoying time we do have as just that....time and thats all. No R talk..just talk. Sort of like what we would do if we were still together.

Do you want me to walk you through the high points or can you see them? For a minuite there I could see you "In the Rain"

Forrest: I know what I thought the high points were but I am curious as to what you saw as the high points and YES it does matter!

[sandi2]

once told my wife that I could have been the best Husband ever and we would still be right here. She took offence to it. Fair enough. Look at what was just posted. I gotta go out on a limb and say "This is the best post ever!" For all you LBS out the guess what.... You don't have to be a distant, angry, S for someone to "walk out". For some reason you HAVE to go through this.

Forrest, I'm not sure what all you are saying here other than show how bitter you are. I understand that. Most LBS are bitter, angry, hurt.....the whole nine yards. But, again, try to restate this so I can understand it better, please.

For the record, I don't recall any of us WAW's saying that you H's had to be a distant angry S in order for us to walk out. As I remember from most of the few WAW's that has the guts to come here and spill their soul to this board, is that they tried to tell their H's that they were unhappy and the H would not listen and or take her seriously (like, "I didn't think she was really that unhappy")So, the W gives up and walks out. Then.....oh boy, then the H's gets all up in arms. So, don't get too high and mighty about us WAW's b/c most of you LBH's aren't perfect......you just won't admit to your part of the failure in the MR.

I hope she did not feel that you were attacking her b/c frankly it sounded that way, but again, I know you are frustrated and hurt and you are trying to figure out the mind of a WAW. There are many books out there about the subject. Michelle has written about it. Read it.

We lost one WAW that was reading the different posts made and she saw the anger from a LBS and said just one sentence.....then we lost her. I don't know about you, but that makes me sick! I have worried about her b/c she was desparate just like I was when I came here a few months ago. But she saw hatred for the WAW and I don't want this to happen to this woman. She has seen her mistakes......she wants to stay in the M and is asking for our help.....now get over yourself long enough to see if you can lend a hand to another person.

[Forrest Gump]

Oh Sandi2

Take my hand and I will walk you thru this.

I was pointing out to some of the angry and bitter people that you could think you were doing everything right. Everyone around could say you were the perfect couple. Everyone around would what to have what you have. In the end someones needs were not being met. Someone walks away. Someone gets left behind. One of them is holding a sign saying please dont go. Lets work on it. No one was communicating what the issue really was.

Did I say that the WAS said any thing? What you fail to realize is that the WAS had not done everything. Their perception was they had. If the S was as unhappy as the WAS thinks they were, why do we label them a LBS. You still don't get that both individuals were not having there needs met. Hence the unhappiness. To me the person walking away is the one that does not want to admit their part in it. They want to run away. They don't want to get any new tools. How many LBS's post here? How many of them are fully aware of their contribution to their failing marriage? How many times have you seen them go over and over the same shortcomings? I am frustrated, as a matter of fact I have pointed it out many times. I have read about the WAS. The issue is even they don't know what they are looking for. They know they are missing something but have no idea what they are looking for. (NFC disease)

You really think Littlebitlost is going to leave? You think I am being mean to her? Last I checked I was trying to help her. Honestly, I think we have a pretty good connection. I think she values my opnion or my thoughts. She is here. She has free will. If she does not want me to post on her stitch she can say as much. She can write it right here for all to see. I have said it many times. I want people to think and get it on their own. If I have to walk you through it I think some of the value in it is lost.

I see that Littlebitlost is right there she almost has it. Hell look at her name. She is just a little bit lost. Not alot just a Little.

Does it bother me that you lost a WAS? To a point yes. When you post here you open yourself up to anything. You have to understand that you are going to hear things you don't like. If you decide not to communicate because you get your feelings hurt then what are you doing?

To Erin,

I sincerely hope that me talking to you the way I do gives you some hope, some confidence. I want you to find that life you are looking for with your husband. I think you are doing a great job. I want the Erin that I see from way the hell over here to shine brightly over there. I want your husband to want you with all his heart so that he can put the past behind him and build a wonderful relationship with you. Please continue to post. Please don't leave I love the communication that me and you have with each other.

Cory

Did I get over myself long enough to lend a hand yet?

[littlebitlost]

The issue is even they don't know what they are looking for. They know they are missing something but have no idea what they are looking for

In my case this was exactly the truth and I did not know what was missing or what I was looking for until I left and looked at my life from a totally different perspective. Once out I gained both perspective and a great appreciation

To me the person walking away is the one that does not want to admit their part in it. They want to run away

This was also true in my case. I am not sure that it is true in all cases though. If there is any kind of abuse, physical, verbal, mental abuse then I think the whole dynamic changes. I for myself did want to run away and not just from my marriage but from all my problems. This is a character flew that I have discovered about myself and that I ma working very hard to change

They don't want to get any new tools

Depends...The WAS who is here on the posting board or in counseling is OBVIOUSLY looking for new tools...the trip to enlightenment is different for everyone and looking for new tools comes with the realization that you NEED them for both yourself and the LBS

When you post here you open yourself up to anything. You have to understand that you are going to hear things you don't like

You post on a board like this because you feel you need help, you need something...you have lost some kind of control. Beautiful thing about this board is you control. You have control over what you decide to take or leave behind from people posting to you, what advice you accept and whether you choose to or not to act on it! That is the wonderful thing about a place like this......you will get it from all perspectives!!!

Sandi2...I am sorry that someone left the board because she did not like what she was hearing. That is very unfortunate. Someone new who is in real crisis I feel needs to be dealt with very carefully at first. The are nto ready for the 2x4's or for the harsh reality checks. I hope that she found another posting board or place to help her.

[littlebitlost]

I think that I may be falling apart a little today. My insulin pump (which I wear 24-7) has failed AGAIN. This is the fourth pump in 8 weeks. They are $6.000 canadian and I ma using loaners right now until paperwork gets shuffled enough for my 'own' to come through. I am so stressed and the one person I always counted onl...I dont have anymore. He has said he will help me but I am taking care of getting it all together myself. What I need is what I used to get which was the hug and the it will be ok, the back rub, the comforting. Ihave noone to blame for myself buy I am going to feel sorry for myself here for a few,K?

On the other side I start with a new life coach today at 4 and then I have C tontite at 6. Didnt realize I was almost a $1000 a month worth of craZY!

[Forrest Gump]

You know I wish I could help. You are not $1000 a month worth of crazy. Sit back relax and imagine him giving you a back rub. I will try and comfort you from here. With my big old mean words. No feeling sorry for yourself!! You are smarter than that. No blaming yourself!! It will all work out!! I am going to get my air hammer. Just keep posting if ya need to.

[sandi2]

My daughter has to wear an insulin pump 24/7 also. It has saved her life. Thee are times it has messed up, so be sure to watch it carefully.