Talked to W this afternoon and it did not go well. Things have been on a steady upturn for the past couple of days. She's had a lot of problems with her work and has leaned on me pretty heavily to get through them. That's been good for us I think. Thursday, she asked me to push our hearing date back and Friday I did, it's now set for 21 Nov. I thought that was a good sign.
Today, she tells me that she doesn't know if she can deal with 2 years apart. I'm military and my job is sending me to San Antonio whereas hers is taking her to MD. So, best case the soonest we could ever live together would be roughly 2 years from right now. She could change that but we're not solid enough right now for her to gamble on us like that. I understand this point and don't blame her for that. Problem is, her love language is physical contact and she doesn't know if she can go two years with us only getting to see each other every couple of months for long weekends. This too I understand and I was afraid this would become a problem. She also said that she's not sure even if the next couple of months went really well that she wants to still be in the marriage. Her thing is that we need a divorce so that we're both "free" to choose the marriage again; if it's supposed to be it will. Mine is that we're separated and that we can choose it right now. If I have to go through a D, I don't think I can muster the strength to keep fighting for this thing the way I have been. She sees this as me "drawing a line in the sand" and has stated that she doesn't want to rise to the bait.
I'm at a loss. I thought things were going so well, she was talking about a weekend together, was interested in Retrouvaille, was saying she missed me (said that again today) all these good things but she keeps coming back to needing to get a D to start over. Now, with the 2 year problem thrown in, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to work with that, I don't know how to help her see that we could get through it if she wanted. She also keeps taking pokes at me in terms of her needs and I'm getting really tired of it. I feel like I've been working so hard for this thing while she's been doing nothing but sitting back and watching and telling me it's not good enough. I'm frustrated, hurt, and angry and wondering why I keep putting myself through this. I don't think she's going to change her mind about the D, she really doesn't change her mind very easily and all the cards are stacked against it. Maybe I should just move on, accept that this is going to happen and get my head out of this fantasy that we'll be together again. I just don't know if I can keep this up, if I can keep wanting her and this M when she's throwing nothing but doubt back at me.
Wow Bryan - I am really not sure what she wants either. Maybe by trying to force the D issue she is testing you. It seems like she is really sending you mixed signals on this one. I can see the issue with the 2 years apart but it may not be two years if things turn around. She could get a new job and join you in San Antonio, Right?
I think pushing the date back was a very good sign. It means she is not really ready to end it herself and maybe she just wants some more time to see if you are truly sincere. I hate to say this since I do not follow this advice myself but hang in there and be patient.
Are you doing the REtrouvaille weekend still? If so, from what I hear hopefully that will really turn things around for you two and answer some of the questions you have from these mixed signals.
Thanks Lissie. I don't think it's a test. I think it's just confusion on her part. She still has feelings for me but is scared of what's coming. I completely understand it, I just wish there was something I could do to help her through it. I've been trying to let this go, to really hand it over to God but I'm not very good at it.
HI Bryan I know what you mean. It is very hard to just let it drop and not worry about every little thing. I am very much struggling with all of that right now too. I leave for Florida tomorrow on the "family" vacation we planned together without him so that is making things very difficult for me right now.
I think we just need to hang in there and hope for the best. I am praying that God is just testing me right now and I will pass and he will come home. That is what I keep thinking. Good Luck
I guess the real problem I'm having is maintaining my PMA. The fighting, the trust issues, the insecurity, those were all things I could control in me, all things I could work on. This separation issue is something completely outside of my control and I feel helpless. I don't see how this could possibly work and I feel like I'm lying to myself thinking that it will. And the positive things she still says that used to provide hope to me no longer do; I hear them more as platitudes or gestures of a friend now. This is the lowest I've felt since she told me she wanted a D two months ago.
I am right there with you Bryan. My PMA is non-existant right now and everything you say is what I am going through right now. I am trying not to think about it much but it is so tough. You are right we have no control at all over any of this. We are sort of in limbo while they go on leading their lives the way they want to right now and we are just waiting. I am wondering if I am being a fool. I have no idea how it could possibly work either but then I read about the ones it did work for (789) and think there could be a chance.
I am at my all time low as well I think. I am just trying to live my life and if it is over what will that mean. That is my thinking right now. I know that is not PMA but I need to be realistic and think that way just in case this does not turn around. God I hope it does
W is going to a football game this weekend in Houston and asked if it's OK with me if she shares a room with someone to keep costs down. There's like 9 people going. Initially I said yes, no problem. Now I'm wondering why she asked. If she was going to share with another girl, I don't think she would have even mentioned it. I think her guy friend who I have issues with is going and now it's in my head that that's why she asked, she might split a room with him. She's been very cautious with him in the past, refusing what I see as obvious advances (she doesn't think they are, says I have trust issues) so I have that going for me. But, I know they're all going to be drinking and I'm worried that he'll try something again (many of his "attempts" have been while they've been drinking) and if they're sharing a room, she doesn't have anywhere to go.
Now I'm stuck here thinking about something that may or may not happen knowing that I can't recant and say I'm OK with the room split as long as it's not with this guy. That'll set off all kinds of you don't trust me feelings and put negative thoughts in her head about me right when I need her to think good things about me as a barrier to anything else.
I just don't understand why she can't see that these things hurt me so much and why she can't see that they're not helpful to the M. Granted, she's not fully on board with the M so that's part of it. But why does she have to make a hard situation even harder by continually throwing hurdles in front for me to jump?
I went to my brothers wedding this past weekend, actually I was the best man, and it was just what the Dr. ordered. My sister in law is amazing, love her to death, and the way she and my brother are together is such a joy to see. I thought it might be depressing given what's been going on in my M the past couple of months but I went in positive, reminded myself this was their time not mine, and it turned out wonderfully.
They dated through college while going to separate schools 3 hours apart. No break-ups, no drama. Dated after school when my bro entered the military and was gone for a year. The unconditional love and support they have for each other is inspiring and I realized that it's what I want as well. I've been reading a Byron Katie book and she's big on detaching. I still want that love with my W but I also can't make her be what she doesn't want to be. I tried explaining this to my Dad but he kept telling me I was trying to cop out. Hopefully, you guys understand what I'm getting at. I really do want things to work and I really do love my W and I'm not changing anything I'm doing. I guess the only difference is that I know what I really want and it's not person specific and I am at peace with whatever God needs to make happen to bring it to me. I'm working on projecting as much love as I can because that is in my control, everything else is up to Him.
Glad you had a warm time at the wedding. It is inspiring to me also, to know that love can conquer a lot, not all, but a lot. And that we also deserved to be loved. I agree with Lissie, that your W will still have a chance to find work and join you in San Antonio. There is always hope.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Oh, I agree. I'm actually very hopeful about what may come. But, it's nice to start loving myself a little, you know? To start to know what I really want to to value myself enough to say that this is what I want.
