new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

So went over to H's house tonite to pick up son and we hung out for a while 5:30 until 7 or so. Wasnt a whole lot of joking or laughing or anything...we talked about ppl we knwo on the other board and what they are up to. (sad isnt it?) He got out his mP3 player or ipod or whatever it is and played soem songs for me that he really likes. They are sort of depressing but I think he relates to them. One fo the bands he likes so much that he has met them 3 or 4 times this summer and even tattoed the lyrics on his back. A little extreme but important to him.

Goes something like 'I'm thankful for the day I stole the sun from the sky and learned how to fly' He said it was his mantra or something. I have the cd...he burned it for me but it sort of makes me sad

So i hadto go at lunch and pick up a cheque that has to go into my account. On a whim I asked if he wanted to have lunch at the market while I am downtown or perhaps jsut coffee. He said he had made prior commitments. He probably expected me to get nasty and upset. I did not have any expectations that he wold go tho and so no disappointment. I said OK cool see you then and did not ask who he was doing what with becasue it doen not really matter, right? I feel good with that. TRULY not upset or bothered. Am I detaching again. DO I really not care? Hmmmm. Keeping me in the dark about what he is doing and with whom is his big thing now. Creates a mystery which is something they suggest on the other board. He really does this.


So I went to pick up the cheque at lunch. Aaron had a cigarrette with me (dirty filthy habit!!! quit as soon as I am not so stressed! ) and he has always, since we seperated been very vague and secretive about what and who is doing things with. Much like today. He said he had 'prior committments' and I was fine with that.

We chatted for a minute and then he said well...I am starting to train a guy on how to work out so I need to go meet him now.

This was interesting to me. He did not have to tell me what or who he was doing or spending his lunch hour with. But he did. I just mentioned that that was good. HE enjoys stuff like that. TOld him I would see him after work and left. BUT it felt good that he was ok teklling me what he was doing and even better knowing he did it without me asking!!!

Dont know if my interactions today were good or bad, they just were. We did have some joking back and forth by email this morning and I guess that was good but it is what it is i guess.

I have thought a lot forrest about what you said about being home in 30 days and I know that this can never happen as he would not allow it to happen that fast. He has been trained that a reconcilliation takes a very long time. i year to 18 months and i truly think he will stick to those guidelines.