Hi all. I haven't visited the forum in awhile due to work and all but I am back and am in need of advice. Currently separated, WAW states that she wants divorce. We initially separated in March 2007. I stopped communicating with her until she called and "because she was thinking about me." A few weeks later she lost someone who was very close to her and I was the one there comforting her, any potential divorce was the furtherest thing from my mind. I just wanted to take away her hurt. Unfortunately, she took too many sleeping pills during a bout of depression. I still am not sure if this was a suicide attempt, but I remained by her side as she had asked for me.
Since that time we have spent alot of time together, vacations, cruises, ect, with the goal that she would feel comfortable with me moving back. I was cool with this, marriage didn't get bad overnite so I figured that it would take time to heal. Interestingly, we split up b/c she stated that we bickered too much. These fusses were over insignificant things. Not the marjor things like infidelity, abuse, alcohol or drugs. I would quickly forget about the fusses as my theory is that if I woun't remeber what the fuss was about in 5 years, its not worth getting bent out of shape over. She felt differently.
Fast forward, on Sept 10th she informed me that she wanted a divorce b/c we argued too much. In a panic I asked that she delay filing for 90 days so that I could get my affairs in order and also not to be as emotional when the time came to file. I also wanted her to cool off a bit and maybe realize that she really didn't want a divorce. Communication was reduced to sending text messages b/c I wanted to give her space. We joked back and forth every 2 or 3 days. In a moment of weakness, I asked if she was still set on divorcing me. She said she was. I didn't yell, plead, cry or any of the other no no's. I simply wished her well and said good bye. It is important to know that she comes from a tight knit family, her sister is her best friend. Members of her family have told me that they could see that I have gone above and beyond the call of duty in trying to save the marriage. I had since started preparing for an inevitable divorce.
Just yesterday, she sends me a text telling me that her sister, who had originally introduced us, had just had her baby and they were doing great. This killed me b/c I was close to her side of the family and had wanted to be at the hospital for the birth. I, of course, was poitive and upbeat in my response (2 hours later) sending my best to the new parents. She was in the delivery room at birth and described it as awesome. She isn't acting as though she is angry with me.
In the back of my mind I hope that we will reconcile while friends and my family want me to move on and accept the divorce as inevitable.
My question, finally, is am I foolish to still believe that this marriage can be saved? Also, should I continue to do as I am doing and just communicate w/her, in an upbeat manner of course, only when she initiates it? Does anyone think the birth of her nephew plays into the equation? Any insight and or opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
My W is acting in a very similar manner. Had some set backs at work recently and has leaned on me heavily during that time. Jokes with me, calls me just because, even said she loved me today. Through all of that, she maintains that she wants to D. We're legally separated, live in different states, and that's not enough for her to feel like we've started over. She needs to D so we can start dating again and "choose" the marriage.
All that said to get to this: I do not have any answers for you. I am right there, I fully understand what you're going through and if I ever figure out how she manages to treat me like her husband in most respects while still wanting to be legally freed from that bond, you'll be the first person I tell.
I have struggled with the issue of feeling foolish recently and the thing I kept coming back to is that what I'm doing may be foolish, but it's what I have to do. I wouldn't respect myself if I gave up just because everything I'm seeing and hearing suggests I should. I love her, this is my test. If it ends, I'll know I tried all I could. If not, well that's really what I'm here for isn't it.
Finally, it was suggested to me that I need to be less of a friend in favor of something a little more sexy. You spend too much time as a friend and her married/love feelings for you could get overwritten with friend feelings. So, I don't answer the phone every time she calls. I go out and do things and purposely leave the phone at home so that she knows I have a life outside of her. I want her to know I'm here for her but I don't want to EXPECT me to be here for her if that makes sense. Good luck.
I can sympathize completely especially with the "I'll know that I tried everything I could" part. I have played this situation in a low-key manner since my momentary lapse in weakness. Part of me thinks that I should not put my life on hold and hope that she decides that she does not want the divorce. However, another voice in head is telling me to give her time b/c things didn't get bad overnight and won't get better overnight either. What a mess! I am moving to the next county to put more distance between us and a shorter comute to work. I love my wife and will do just about anything to get her back into my life. It is so difficult not to call, email or text just to say 'hi.' She has a complete support network while I am sitting in an empty apartment, bored to death most of my free time. I am physically active and have a demanding job but I still have those times late at night just before I go to bed that I miss her. Someone had said that, "A woman says what she thinks, but acts how she feels." Of course this is a generalazation but I believe it to be true in my situation. Wishful thinking on my part? Perhaps. However, I will take anything that will offer me the slightest hope of reconciliation. My heart still drops when I am driving and see a vehicle that looks like hers. I hate that feeling. I haven't seen her 18 days. I hope this gets easier and I guess it has to a certain degree. Of course I am wrestling with the most popular question on here it seems and that is "How long should I wait?" I don't know in my situation but I guess that I will know it when the time is right. She has stated awhile back that if we were to divorce she would want to still be friends. I reacted withI the "if I am not good enough to be our husband, why would I be good enough to be her friend? Would she tell me of dates that she had went on?" - No way! We argued, true, but over unimportant things. To make matters worse, I am in an argumentitive profession and so sometimes I cant hit the 'off' switch. That is a deficiency that I have to work on along with the other things that I am working to try and correct, for me. I want to be that guy she fell in love with again, make her feel attracted to me again. Having her family support me is a huge plus I think, but time will tell. Anyways, thanks for reading and please do not hesitate to offer me the benefit of any of your thoughts on this limbo that I currently live in.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds similar to mine,and I too wonder whether I'm being a fool for waiting for her (she hasn't talked about anything emotional since the separation; we have only seen each other briefly in four months) or whether I'm being courageous in waiting for her to snap out of it. Maybe she won't. I've accepted that my marriage may be over, but I won't pull the trigger on a divorce, at least not yet. Like you, I keep reading about people snapping out of MLC and coming back.
I have my faults that I'm working on, and the process of growth has helped my psyche. What are you working on? What problems did you cause in your marriage? What were your contributions to problems that were jointly created? Those are tough questions to explore, but you need to to do for YOU. If you get back with your W, you need to be a different person. If you don't, you need to figure out why your marriage failed (it's not just one person's fault, I believe) so you don't make the same mistakes in a second relationship.
Try to get out of your apartment. I know they can be lonely--I'm in one myself. But, I've joined a new church, connected on a deeper level with friends, developed new hobbies, started therapy (get a therapist; it's worth it for your own emotional well being and personal growth). In short, realize that it's not your W or anyone else who is responsible for your happiness. YOU are. That is true whether you are married or not. We only control ourselves.
Go make it a good day and give joy to yourself and others.
I have taken responsibility for my contributions to the state of my marriage, gave a sincere apology and had my wife comment that she had seen a change in me for the better (this was prior to the dropping of the D bomb). I am extremely self critical and was quick to examine my own behavior. Regrets? You bet, but hindsight is, as they say, 20/20.
I have started reconnecting with old friends, I just hate that the topic of the state of my marriage always seems to come up. I know deep down that I control my destiny as far as my happiness is concerned. I just feel as if I don't want to have to start over if I am divorced. I don't want another woman, I want my wife. I am not a bad looking guy (how do you say that and not come off as cocky?) I have had offers from other women since the separation but have turned them down. I could not live with myself if I were to violate my marriage vows. Maybe she feels different and has done that already for all I know. Part of me is screaming, "don't invest valuable time in an unwise investment." If she has stated that she wants a divorce, am I investing time in an unwise investment. Hell if I know anymore. Is my anxiety regarding this divorce a fear of the unknown, in a small part, yeah.
You are on the money as far as giving joy to others. I took a deceased friend of mine's dad to a televised college football game a few weeks back. It was the weekend before the 2 year anniversary of his son's death. My grief seemed to pale in comparison to his. He was not a talkative guy about his son's death, but he spoke volumes by simply saying "people don't realize how much I miss him." Wow. We had a good time at the game and he told me how much he appreciated me taking him. I had that feeling one get's when you know that you did a good thing for someone, and they acknoledged it. Anyhow, I am no going to make any rash decisions regarding my wife. I will continue to be positive when we speak. However, I will continue lifting weights, taking jiu jitsu classes and praying that God will have it in his plan that my wife and I are together again. Whew! That was a mouthful. Thanks for reading. To be continued....
Hang in there. I've been separated for nine months now and struggle with the same questions that you have. While my WAW is not stating that she wants a divorce, she does say that it's unlikely that we will get back together. She seems content with being separated and scared to make any permanent decision.
Respect her need for space, don’t come off as clingy or needy, and work on yourself. Get out of the apartment and do something. Meet some new people. Personally, I wouldn’t date. That can just shift your focus from DBing.
You are not alone.
Me-46;W-42 Together 23 yrs Married 16 S11 S8 S6 02/10/03 Her 1st affair 10/01/06 Sep Bomb 01/01/07 Sep Begins 03/09/07 Her 2nd affair
Like Tom Petty said, "the waiting is the hardest part." I ahve gotten over the initial panic and have since reached a plateau of sorts. I have absolutely no desire to date. Some tell me that it would make me feel better. However, I know that my mind would be elsewhere and I just will not do it. She says that she isn't planning on dating, but wants that option. She did say that there would be no sexual activity. As I type this, I feel like the biggest fool for even wanting her back.
I have kept my distance. Resisted the urge to call and am glad that I did. I often wonder if this is as hard on her as it is me, but I will never know at this point. I will NOT contact her friends or family. I do want her to experience life without me. Perhaps the grass won't be as green as she initially thought or that it is. Who knows. Each day is a victory, but the unknown is an adversay that I can't fight head on. I also wonder if she sees my not filing for divorce a sign of weakness, you know, not being a man. I sure the hell hope not because it has taken more restraint to not file than to continue this waiting out process. I appreciate any insight I receive from this board. To be continued....
Hey dazed and Confused, I would like to recommend you read Divorce Rememdy and Stop Your Divorce by Homer MacDonald. Homer uses jujitsu and biblical analogies so it will be an enjoyable read for you. Yes, he does say to date others and uses a harem ideology, but guess what, it is psychology and it works. If someone sees you as a friend, platonic, loves you like a brother, says they love you but are not in love with you, nothing will snap them out of that faster than when someone else notices that you are a desirable. I feel like you, as though I cannot switch gears, but I have a feeling a cup of coffee with a cute dude may not be the worst thing in the world. Or maybe a group outing to the movies.
I think you have a lot of potential to save your marriage. Try not to be too available. Do 180's ASAP. Continue to help others. This will take your mind off your worries. Wow, you are in a profession that requires arguing. That can be difficult to switch of when you are in R mode. Do a real 180 then! Agree to everything she wants, or else the arguing will make you seem like you are being manipulative.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Thanks for the encouragement mkultra. I will have to check the Homer MacDonald book out. Oh yeah, I failed to mention that havve already signed the D papers but initially agreed to wait 90 days until filing. I had hoped that time and space would make her "see the light." I told her that if her mind was made up that she wanted a divorce then we need to go ahead and file (yeah, that was a mistake and realized it shortly thereafter). She stated that she wanted the divorce but to date, the papers remain unfiled. Talk about being on the edge of a cliff. Her sister states that my wife is still going back and forth and is unsure. Perhaps the wife is trying to act tough to me. I will continue to chill until.....
Quick Update: I got a call a few hours ago from the atty office handling the divorce. I had already signed the papers and W agreed to hold off filing until I got settled in my new place. She swore that she would not file paperwork behind my back. Anyhow, the atty asked if I was ready to file. I was surprised and asked if W had told him she wanted to file. He hemmed and hawed but admitted, no, she had not told him to file, but he seems to think that she is ready. I stated that she could give me the courtesy of a phone call advising me that she was ready to file. W is atty's wife's sister. Sister thought that she was ready to file. Call me stuborn but I at least want a phone call from the W telling me this is what she wants. I don't intend to argue or get upset but I believe that I deserve to hear this from her. Am I wrong? Just earlier this week W sent a text msg telling of the birth of her nephew. Sister emails me pics of newborn. MIL still forwards jokes to my email address. What is going on? I almost think that sister is meddling and thinks that if D is filed W will be happy again. Atty told me that when asked what the status of filing D paperwork is, W starts crying. I am so confused, this is what she wanted so why is she crying? I am the one who has been cast out to fend for himself. Any thoughts and / or opinions regarding this situation would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
