Nomopo's Funk? Is that what this is?

[sunshine74]

Nomo & Heim:

I'm here to tell you that I'm living proof that homer is right. Just a small recap on my story. My husband told me nine months ago that he doesn't love me anymore. Of course I did everything that your not suppose to do...begging, pledging etc. I found this site and read db and dr and started backing off. He went out of town to work in June and was going to be out of town for four months. Low and behold I found myself in that time peroid. In Sept. I realized that I've had enough. I laid down the law and I told him I was only holding on for the kids because I was trying to protect them from the pain of divorce, I realized that I could no longer protect them from this and I had to let it go. And thats what I did I let it go..I let H go and I let the marriage go. After I did that it was like a switch was turn on in my head. I was starting to plan for my future and not for our future. Guess what happen next! H started to see changes in me. Started asking questions. All of the sudden he was professing his love for me again. Asking me to give it another try. I was stunned and pissed off at first. I mean come on, he put me through hell and now that I've let it go he wants to try. It took me awhile to absorb all this. And truly I don't want a divorce and I want to try again. So we have come together and made a pact to stay totally honest with ourselves and each other and see where that takes us.

I didn't read homer's book. But this is what happened to me. This has been my experience your outcome might be different.

My goal in writing this is for the both of you to see that you deserve more than what your WAS is offering you. I realized this and made the changes I needed to make. I realized that I had to take a stand for Sunshine....

Sunshine74

[Heimlich]

Thanks for blowing a little Sunshine up my nether regions, Sunshine

Don't know about Nomo, but for me, I purposely stopped thinking about my W in all of this as I tried to DB. I found that if I focused on her faults/role in this, I became less inclined to try. Over time, it's started to balance out. While I might not have done great, I've done my best and I'm comfortable looking at myself and saying that.

You're right, and I came to this over the weekend, I need to find myself again. Can't have a R, with W or anyone else, until that happens. Don't think I'm buried too far under daddy/married guy, but we'll see. I had lost some respect for myself and I'm about 99.9% positive that she lost respect for me. Getting that self-respect back is key to getting both me, and possibily in the future, her, back. And I'm getting there.

I know that we deserve better than we've gotten from our wives. It's a struggle, but I'm doing my best to let her go. Why does that stupid cliche have to be right?

BD

[Nomopo]

Hello NDDT and SuperDad!

Sunshine,

I'm here to tell you that I'm living proof that homer is right.

Still haven't read it, but plan to by Friday, and Sunny is a proponent as well.

Just a small recap on my story. My husband told me nine months ago that he doesn't love me anymore. Of course I did everything that your not suppose to do...begging, pledging etc. I found this site and read db and dr and started backing off. He went out of town to work in June and was going to be out of town for four months. Low and behold I found myself in that time peroid. In Sept. I realized that I've had enough. I laid down the law and I told him I was only holding on for the kids because I was trying to protect them from the pain of divorce, I realized that I could no longer protect them from this and I had to let it go. And thats what I did I let it go..I let H go and I let the marriage go. After I did that it was like a switch was turn on in my head. I was starting to plan for my future and not for our future. Guess what happen next! H started to see changes in me. Started asking questions. All of the sudden he was professing his love for me again. Asking me to give it another try. I was stunned and pissed off at first. I mean come on, he put me through hell and now that I've let it go he wants to try. It took me awhile to absorb all this. And truly I don't want a divorce and I want to try again. So we have come together and made a pact to stay totally honest with ourselves and each other and see where that takes us.

Great stuff. Thanks for sharing. If it's ok, I think I'll borrow this line:

I told him I was only holding on for the kids because I was trying to protect them from the pain of divorce, I realized that I could no longer protect them from this and I had to let it go.

And, after you let your WAS go and let the marriage go, and start to plan for your future and not for "our" future, then even if they don't come around you are doing what you need to do be in the best position for your life.

This has been my experience your outcome might be different.

Yep, but I feeling pretty sure it's still the best path to take.

My goal in writing this is for the both of you to see that you deserve more than what your WAS is offering you. I realized this and made the changes I needed to make. I realized that I had to take a stand for Sunshine....

Amen. I feel this is where I am at.

Hugs to you Sunshine74. Thanks for following me.

for me, I purposely stopped thinking about my W in all of this as I tried to DB.

Really??? I mean, that owuld be good, but it doesn't seem like that's what you've done H. Do you really mean that? Or am I missing something?

I found that if I focused on her faults/role in this, I became less inclined to try.

This is so true. Focusing on my W's faults made me bitter and angry, but has helped me detach. Now I am trying to add in the "lovingly" part.

I had lost some respect for myself and I'm about 99.9% positive that she lost respect for me. Getting that self-respect back is key to getting both me, and possibily in the future, her, back. And I'm getting there.

This rings so true.

Have a great day everyone!
Nomo

[Heimlich]

Originally Posted By: Heimlich
for me, I purposely stopped thinking about my W in all of this as I tried to DB.

This was linked to the following sentence -- I meant I stopped thinking about her flaws, not about her. Obviously, thought about her waaaaaay too much

BD

[C_K]

Nomo, Sunshine , heimlich

There is so much wisdom in the last few posts I am wondering " where did that come from??"

I gues we get to a stage with our R's where we first realise the truth, then we accept the truth.
Then we get comfortable accepting the truth.

Then its time to move ahead at our own pace , some ill go quicker than others and its no surprise to me its Nomo

Some of us will get impatient waiting for Spouses to take the next step. There should be no going back not for any of us , its new R's for all even if its with our spouses again.

Oh and Sunshine , its good news that you are making a new start with your H !

Dave

[Nomopo]

Hi Dave! Thanks for popping in.

Then its time to move ahead at our own pace , some ill go quicker than others and its no surprise to me its Nomo

Some of us will get impatient waiting for Spouses to take the next step.

This lines up perfectly with something my other therapist (Sunny) pointed out to me yesterday - Pusher Nomo has been back in full swing with all of the changes I am forcing in my sitch. Does everyone remember Pusher Nomo??? He lives!!! I have been getting impatient, hating limbo and my W's apparent inability to do anything. So, Pusher Nomo fires up, and forges ahead. I will do SOMETHING, by God. So now I am cooling my jets and re-considering if I (yes, me, Nomo) really want to shake-up the living arragements, re-work the finances, etc. I may, but I want to be sure it's not just Pusher Nomo, who has to always be moving forward.

Hmmmm, very interesting.

Nomo
Oh and Sunshine , its good news that you are making a new start with your H !

Dave



[/quote]

[C_K]

Nomo

It never hurts too slow down and take stock ever now and then.
I have always been a lets get on , make a decision , sort things out person and that in ways did a lot of damage to our R over the years.

Dave

[Kelley]

Even tho we are moving on from our M and getting involved with OP, our WAS will still always be in our life since we have kids with them. We will still always love each other but it will be a different kind of love. We still share something that they will never have with their OP and to be able to move on from them but still remain friends may actually be a better thing in my case, at least, cuz we totally sucked at being H & W.

I can't believe my D6 asked me last week if I ever was going to get married again. I wanted to tell her OH HE!! NO but just said well if I find somebody that I really really really get along with then I might consider it.

[L21959]

Nomo, ol' buddy, ol' pal...

I've always (at least since we all started this journey) known that in addition to being the "exotic" Sunnyokie, she was the "insightful as h&ll" Sunnyokie...

This lines up perfectly with something my other therapist (Sunny) pointed out to me yesterday - Pusher Nomo has been back in full swing with all of the changes I am forcing in my sitch.

Truth is, I've been thinking the same thing, and just have been so much in my own 'limbo mode' to do much of any posting to you or anyone (and god knows how long it's been since i posted on my own thread...) Sitting back and letting things evolve is clearly not your modus operandi. Remember when we talked about the tennis metaphor...how I knew there was no way you were a pusher on the court??? You don't appear to do anything half-speed, be it work or play or DBing or livin' large with new 'friends'...

And, in all probability, this has worked really well for you for most of the many important things you've accomplished so far in your life. But this whole thing is so different...I really get how you feel about it; the frustration at W and the whole sitch that she just doesn't 'get it'... that you've had absolutely no problem in being desired by other women (what is W's problem, anyway?) and that you are just sick and tired of dealing with this crap for another year, month, week or day!

But I am so glad to hear that maybe you are trying that 'other' Pusher Nomo on for size for a little while... just keeping the ball in play.

And sitting in the stands, cheering you on, are those two precious kids. You know, something that Michele wrote that I reread often to recommit myself to keep on keepin' on is a piece where she talks about how her parents' divorce affected her, and how she came to this gradual realization in her work as a therapist that divorce changes our children's lives forever, and that this became a rallying point for her. Our children (even when they are not really children anymore) are the only truly blameless people in all of this; they deserve nothing less than our absolute best effort to keep our marriages and families together.

Been thinking about you lots...glad you are giving yourself a little more time and space...

(((nomobabybabe)))

L2

[Nomopo]

Thanks L2! As usual, all your comments are right on the mark. Somehow, I had a feeling I'd be hearing from you soon!

Nomo