muddled and angry: Puddle's third thread

[Puddle]

Hey MMan!

Good to hear from you. Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. Hope you're doing well.

Hey Nomo,

Thanks for writing.

A big part of me is of the more is less philosophy.

More is less? Do you mean less is more?

Your H keeps pushing you to give him what he wants. If you want to accommodate him, fine. If you don't, that's his problem. So I guess what I am getting at is why are you sending a detailed response at all. There may be a good reason, but I want to make sure you have one.

We've figured out that we communicate better via email (or on the phone), so this is a big talk for us, essentially, serial-wise.

I want to accommodate him in as far as I can do it honestly. I want to work on the M, he doesn't. He wants to move out, I'd prefer he stays to work on it. I want him to be happy, and he thinks moving out will help in that direction.

I can't tell him I want what he wants, which is what he wants. What a tongue twister. I'm trying to show him that even though I don't want the same thing, I'm willing to work with him to do what he wants. Do you think I don't need to tell him that?

Again, he keeps saying as long as we're not discussing these things, "we can't move forward." Since he's clearly unhappy in the house and pretty pissy with me, I want him to know that we can, in a sense, move forward with what he wants, even without agreeing.

H wrote: >Huh. Well since I don't know what's *really* going on inside you I err on the side >of making myself scarce/small.

Puddle: If you do something that steps on my toes---if I need more space, more time, less something else---I'll tell you. I may not do it immediately, but I will be clear.

This is fine. Does it require any response at all really?

The second part *is* my response.

I believe Homer would suggest saying something like this: "I would have preferred to save this marriage [at least for the kids?]. But I see now that you are right, that is impossible. I will work with you to make this as easy as possible."

I'm essentially saying that, I guess. The reason I included the part about disagreeing is that I think H is waiting for me to say, "You're right, can't be fixed," and maybe I'm just being stubborn, but I want him to make decisions based on what he wants and take responsibility for them. If I say, "You're right, it's impossible," I think he'll want us to present a united front to the world---parents, friends, etc---including how much in agreement we are. Do you see what I'm saying?

Maybe I'm just not letting go. I don't want to tell people we reached a mutual decision, though. Thoughts?

That's sort of like what you proposed to say, without the "while disagreeing with the course you're taking" and the "If you're waiting for me to want the same thing you do, I can't give you that right now. I respect what you want, how you feel, and where you are, and I ask the same from you." Do you need those extra pieces? Why? What are trying to accomplish?

See above. Trying to "speak truth to H." And I feel like I need those extra bits to respond to his assertion that there's no moving forward, no working on things together, until we're in the same place. Can't we work on things together from different places? H says no.

You also wrote: "I don't think I have to want the same thing you do to do that." Do you need to say this? Why?

Again, see above. Am I being stubborn? petty? selfish? I just want him to take responsibility for his decisions and respect where I am. Can't make him, of course. He wants me to share the responsibility with him, and I won't do it.

Seems like you are hiding feelings a little, but I don't think you need to open your feelings up. What will that accomplish (other than, perhaps, your own personal stated goal of being open and expressing yourself more, but you could do that with others too.

It's a 180 I wanted to show H, but I'm waffling on that one.

Hope it helps.

Very, very much, thanks, Nomo.

Any other thoughts?