muddled and angry: Puddle's third thread

[Nomopo]

Email looks fine to me, I guess. A big part of me is of the more is less philosophy. Your H keeps pushing you to give him what he wants. If you want to accomodate him, fine. If you don't, that's his problem. So I guess what I am getting at is why are you sending a detailed response at all. There may be a good reason, but I want to make sure you have one.

H wrote: >Huh. Well since I don't know what's *really* going on inside you I err on the side >of making myself scarce/small.

Puddle: If you do something that steps on my toes---if I need more space, more time, less something else---I'll tell you. I may not do it immediately, but I will be clear.

This is fine. Does it require any response at all really?

H wrote: After the Fri talk - yes. I am waiting for us to be on the same page meaning >acceptance that the marriage part is over. Without that there is no "moving on," >no working on questions and issues together.

I believe Homer would suggest saying something like this: "I would have preferred to save this marriage [at least for the kids?]. But I see now that you are right, that is impossible. I will work with you to make this as easy as possible."

That's sort of like what you proposed to say, without the "while disagreeing with the course you're taking" and the "If you're waiting for me to want the same thing you do, I can't give you that right now. I respect what you want, how you feel, and where you are, and I ask the same from you." Do you need those extra pieces? Why? What are trying to accomplish?

You also wrote: "I don't think I have to want the same thing you do to do that." Do you need to say this? Why?

Is there something that's unclear? Do I sound neutral enough?

Seems clear.

Does it seem like I'm beating around the bush or trying to hide my thoughts?

Seems like you are hiding feelings a little, but I don't think you need to open your feelings up. What will that accomplish (other than, perhaps, your own personal stated goal of being open and expressing yourself more, but you could do that with others too.

H is very sensitive to me not telling him what I think and what I want, so I'm trying to do that.

Again, his issue. If you want to help him, fine, but you don't have to.

Hope it helps.

Your friend,
Nomo