Jak, Yes, you're making sense. His comment about feeling disconnected would be discouraging.
The flowers are encouraging. I hope it's a sign of good things to come, and not a bandaid solution.
Maybe your H sensing some distance from you might motivate him to start working. You've been putting on a brave face for him, and now can no longer endure the strain of lack of intimacy in the M.
Your H has work to do. He can't continue to avoid it. If he's going to stay married to you, he needs to learn how to be a complete H.
See what happens when you're honest with him? It motivated him to action. Don't underestimate your power and influence.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, don't give up yet!!!! I would also think hard about taking off your ring....wouldn't that give a message that you don't mean? Have you read Five Love Languages? What about using that as a basis for reconnecting? I know a weekend retreat would be ideal, but from the sounds of things your H would not find that a comfortable setting. That is why I thought sharing a book together could be a starting place. Or another book called something like Getting the Love you Want. I think there are exercises that you can do to work on goals, etc. I bet others here might have better suggestions (I'm sad to say that I was a failure at piecing, but I still believe it can work with others!).
[/quote]I know what you mean though- I don't want to be his 2nd choice and I don't want to settle for a loveless (or one-sided love from me) M. I deserve to be loved as fully as I am willing to give love... [quote]
HB,
You hit the nail on the head. I'll be damn** if i will be second choice or, if he's staying for lack of something better, Or afraid of loosing half of everything. I deserve more.
I will wait as long as I can for him to work more on himself but, He needs to do the work or we won't make it.
CL,
Your W i hope will see what she is missing in you M because,you are the type of person for the most part that any women would love to have as an H.
I do feel the flowers are a good sign. However, a temporary bandaid to keep me from walking while he works out his issues.
Do you think he is avoiding the work? I wondered if he was working on himself just not saying anything to me.(which I know he works like that). It seems like he's come a long way and is in the acceptance stage where he is trying to reconnect with everyone. I can see him doing things with others that he hasn't in 2 years. The spouse is the last, iv'e read. What are your thoughts on this? Yes he does need to learn how to be a complete H or I have the feeling that this M won't work. But I am still hopeful that he will do the work.
I do see that when I confront Him with matters in the M that it does bring him around more. But now I think need to step back and let him get through the tunnel the rest of the way and not scare him back in.
I do think the reason he is still disconnected is because he still has feelings for Ow even though he denies said feelings.
I will continue to distance myself, I think that might make him do the rest of the work needed.
Matilda,
You are right. The last thing he would do is counceling or retrovaille(sp?)although I might bring the weekend up to him as an option for reconnection. If he says no then i will just keep detaching.
Rings are back on although, right now i don't really feel like I can be his W when he's not ready to be an H.
YOU did not fail your H has. He is still in MLC replay land and it's just to bad that by the time he realizes what hit him it will be to late. But maybe then if you are still willing you could start anew.
Thank-you all for your help. Im'e feling a little better today but my self confidence feels a little battered.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, I think your strategy is sound. You seem to have a good understanding of your H's issues and where he's at in the healing process.
Maybe you're right that it's not fair to say he's being avoidant of working on his skills to be a better H. You say that he's reconnecting to the world for the first time in years. That is encouraging. Let's hope that he keeps walking the path, and then begins the work of self-improvement.
I know the changes my W is trying to make is difficult for her--quitting smoking, getting a new job. There comes a point though where she will have to push forward, or she will relapse back into old habits. My W is a few months ahead of your H, but he is following the same path of recovery and growth, except with his own issues.
I think we both have enough signs of hope to hang in there for now. As you say, we need to give them the space to wrestle with their issues.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
[/quote]. My W is a few months ahead of your H, but he is following the same path of recovery and growth, except with his own issues.[quote]
CL,
In what way do you mean a few months ahead?
Yes I do think we have enough signs to keep us in the M (or what ever you call it right now , and yes, give them the space they need to work on their issues.
So, do you think im'e on track in my thinking with the progress,(him being in the last stage of this crap) H is making?
H always has shoved things away and not dealt with them. If we ever had an argument even small he wouldn't talk for a few days and then act like nothing ever happened. I started to do that too, just from years of dealing with him.
It had been two years since he did thing with his friends unless it was a forced sitch. IE: wives planning get togethers. Then he would go along but would be quiet.
I do hope the stategy works. So far i think that this kind of distancing, and confronting issues is what has worked to bring him this far.
I have never been so tired ,battered, and brusied feeling. I would do it all again, because of what i have been taught here and in all of the reading I have done.
I do have hope that I will remain married but if I don't I know i will have a better life.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, My W is preparing to make the commitment to quit smoking. I expect her to make an attempt sometime in the next month. I think this is one of the significant patterns she will need to change. She also has begun running on her treadmill whenever she's stressed. I see this as acknowledging that she needs to take better care of herself, and manage her stress better.
I too used to avoid conflict. I can relate to your H's avoidance of conflict in the M. This is one of the issues addressed in the book I'm reading. The author advises men to think of it as a connection-disconnection-reconnection continuum. Your H will have to work at repairing connection when there has been a derailment in the M.
We're waiting to see if my W and your H have the will and courage to face and work-thru their issues.
You sound like you need some TLC. I hope you do something soon for you. Piecing a M back together is hard work.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
just checking up on you.. im so sorry for the detachement comment.. oh honey..
I know its so hard to remain optimistic, but you've come so far, don't get discourage.. there will be draw backs now and then. Please do something for yourself, even if its just to get out, do something that you really enjoy just to get your mind off things, and I would continue to keep your distance a little hopefully he will get the point.
I will check on you tomorrow.. hang in there friend..
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Thanks Im'e going to be just fine. I was wondering what happened to you. Read yesterday that your computer had crashed. My internet is down right now until the phone co fixes lines so i can only get on at work. H is acting all touchy feely and I have lovingly distanced myself from him and will continue to do it even more day by day. Im'e sure he wil start to wonder if he is about to loose me. Thing is is he very well might unless he can work out his issues.
Friends keep asking me why i can't just live like that since H is attentive. My answer is that I can not live with someone who can't love me the way I deserve to be loved. Yes i know he does love me to a point but, He still doesn't have the connection ,and if there isn't that, i would rather be by myself.
Matilda ((((((HUGS)))))))back to you. I think we need a nite on the town.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
, and yes, give them the space they need to work on their issues.