night out was nice...went for dinner...I will say that it is very hard for me a times...things go great and I am left to sit and wonder...is this real...is it going to end? is h happy? is ow gone? or will that whole sit just re surface..
we came home early and I think we either did fall asleep on the couch or started to fall asleep...either way again it was a nice evening.
yesterday I went to the parade in boston with a friend and then back to their house for boiled dinner...
h had a nice day at home with the kids...a slight remider of what the summer was like on sundays...I was not here it was h's visiting day with the kids.
I have these creeping thoughts of continued deception and I don't know what to do with them...
as annoyed as I get with h always being in constant contact with buddie...in a sense it does relieve me...thinking that maybe he places the energy he would have spent on ow now to buddie...so..is it bad??
but it does bother me...
I at times feel guilty for going out with my friends at night..but then have to stop and remind myself that though h is "working" during the day he does manage to meet up with buddie at least once a week to go out for lunch...so then that is his time...I am at home with the kids during the day so night is my time.
I don't know what to do with all these feelings...it seems that I want to talk about them and have h help me with them but it doesn't seem to work well when I do talk...h just doesn't want to deal with it...wants to take the one day at a time...don't my actions show you..aproach.
it is hard for me...I have to keep my head from forming all the vicious scenarios of what did happen and/or what could be happening...I really wish I were naive life would be so much simpler then...to bad I grew up in the reality of the city and know how crappy even nice people can be.
I just don't want to look back when I'm fifty and realize that it has all been in vein.
