Forrest Gump and his box of choclates.

[Forrest Gump]

Ok so to add into my book here. The things I have changed. I have become active in my life again. I have connected with my kids. I have started paying attention to what my wife is really asking for. I have gotten closer with my Mom and Dad. I have done things for my wife. They were recieved fairly well. Was I expecting more? Sometimes I think so. The reason I say this is because as I was doing these things they were coming from the heart. In doin them I wasnt really looking for a reaction I expected to get the please stop I am not into it. What I got was that she did not trust it. It was fake. It was a desperate attempt to win her back and she was not ready for that. So what I am stuck in is what I like to call Limbo Land. I am not sure what to do. If I continue doing things with that kind of response I will eventually become resentful or loose my desire to do it. Here is the kicker. I was a distant husband so in detaching from the situation that is sometimes percieved by her as distancing. Its hard to find a blend of both. I have told her what I want. She knows. She told me the other day that she thought if we stayed in the same house that things would get better and we could move on. There is no question in her mind about what I want for us. Right now I am just being quiet. Trying to decide what to do next. I have a drama free life most of the time but it seems to follow her everywhere. At times I think that us seperating would be a good thing. The other part of me knows that will close the door for me. In my heart I know I should just keep putting myself out there. I know I should be showing lasting changes. I just dont want to build a wall. So I am being cautious. I am trying to get in sync.. Remember my needs have not been met for a while also. But in posting here I became a leader. I just have to get the emotion out of my system. I am pushing for happy go lucky to come back. There is some light I am just not there yet. Right now and for about 2 weeks I have had NFC disease.. She does not know what she wants I have heard that about 10 million times. I have left it in her hands right now. She has free will. She has to want to be with me. Sometimes I know she does. It just seems I cant get the timing right.