OK it is Rosh Shoshana and so I have a babysitter for the night. My medical student neice will stay with us for the Holiday days. All my friends want to go out. I am so excited because I never get a night off with a sitter just for fun. BUT I still have to juggle, house, homework, Brownies, piano lessons, car seats, etc. My friends are getting a little tired that my fun is so rushed between dealing with H and my work. I am still walking on egg shells with this guy. I get scared what he will think about me going out. Getting a sitter. Wondering if he will try to break in again knowing I am out. Wondering if he will forget D at piano again and if she will freak out if I am not there. Wondering if he will make everything worse for me when custody issues arise. I feel like I have to be stellar mom now, just in case!! If I don't work enough I cannot provide. If I work too much, who will care for the kids? Catch 22. I hate this guy for putting me through this. For breaking all his promises to provide and protect. To even just support us until December. I got no money from him yesterday! He gives me such anxiety but how can I do everything by myself and stay sane, two kids, two jobs, no life outside of work , and he f"in plays house with a bar tramp and takes the kids swimming on Sundays!!!! Yippeee. And for what. NOTHING he is building is for anything!!!! He got a state job, too late. He is staying with a tramp, that will not last. NoTHING he is investing now is for the benefit of himself and his loved ones. Nothing. This is what always drove me crazy about this man. He would always come up to me after realizing I was right and say, THANK YOU, you were right. NOW i know I am right again. Like when I threw his Uncle his 84th birthday party. H was so dead set against it until after when he saw how happy and loved his elders felt. H cried and said "I should always listen to you." Like when I wanted to have a baby. he was against that too, thinking we were to poor. He is doing it again. What a pattern. like a child. Sorry, but I know he is throwing his life away. But it is his life to throw away. Just keep that insanity from my kids. Not fair.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
