The Good, the Bad, and the Funny 4

[mkultra]

Not Fair: BEWARE RANT AHEAD

OK it is Rosh Shoshana and so I have a babysitter for the night. My medical student neice will stay with us for the Holiday days. All my friends want to go out. I am so excited because I never get a night off with a sitter just for fun. BUT I still have to juggle, house, homework, Brownies, piano lessons, car seats, etc. My friends are getting a little tired that my fun is so rushed between dealing with H and my work. I am still walking on egg shells with this guy. I get scared what he will think about me going out. Getting a sitter. Wondering if he will try to break in again knowing I am out. Wondering if he will forget D at piano again and if she will freak out if I am not there. Wondering if he will make everything worse for me when custody issues arise. I feel like I have to be stellar mom now, just in case!! If I don't work enough I cannot provide. If I work too much, who will care for the kids? Catch 22. I hate this guy for putting me through this. For breaking all his promises to provide and protect. To even just support us until December. I got no money from him yesterday! He gives me such anxiety but how can I do everything by myself and stay sane, two kids, two jobs, no life outside of work , and he f"in plays house with a bar tramp and takes the kids swimming on Sundays!!!! Yippeee. And for what. NOTHING he is building is for anything!!!! He got a state job, too late. He is staying with a tramp, that will not last. NoTHING he is investing now is for the benefit of himself and his loved ones. Nothing. This is what always drove me crazy about this man. He would always come up to me after realizing I was right and say, THANK YOU, you were right. NOW i know I am right again. Like when I threw his Uncle his 84th birthday party. H was so dead set against it until after when he saw how happy and loved his elders felt. H cried and said "I should always listen to you." Like when I wanted to have a baby. he was against that too, thinking we were to poor. He is doing it again. What a pattern. like a child. Sorry, but I know he is throwing his life away. But it is his life to throw away. Just keep that insanity from my kids.
Not fair.

[nephartiti]

MK, lwb and Morgan are right. Your kids will be strong because they will draw from your incredible strength. You are a very strong capable woman.

Your H is going to be ok too. It's just going to take a while, possibly a long while. They say that, when they begin to come out of the tunnel, they reconnect with pets and kids first. It is important for you to stay well hidden in the background and not pose any threat, not have any demands on him. Plus, I know this is hard when what they are saying is pure crap, but you need to validate his feelings, even when he blames you for everything. I know. That sucks. Just remember that, underneath the costume of this imposter, is the man that you love. He is scared and hurt and confused. Just like we are still all dealing with our grief over and over again, he is reliving his. This takes time. There is no way around it. You need to just keep taking care of you and yours. That is the greatest thing you can give yourself, your kids, and your H. I know you know this already, just saying it again.

Have a wonderful day. Hugs to D6 and S2, those little angels.

[mkultra]

I know you are right. I can almost feel his remorse but he dare not say a word. I feel him looking at me when I am looking away. I get so insecure now but I know this man once worshipped the ground I walked on. I know he feels betrayed by me for wanting a divorce. He feels entitled, so fine.

My friend J said it took her Dad 12 months to come back. He left the country and took OW, much younger. the mother sobbed for months but just had to keep working and jst got quiet after a few months. The kids were almost grown but they were so devastated anyways. The father did exactly what you said. He reconnected with the kids and grandkids and finally just broke down to his wife. he admitted he just came back for the kids but eventually he realized he missed their marriage too.

[nephartiti]

Sorry, MK, we must have been typing at the same time.

Of course you are right. He is throwing his life away. That is one thing, but his actions directly affect you and your children. My high school government teacher used to say, regarding the freedoms and personal rights here in this country, "Your rights end at the other person's nose." You have free will as long as your choices aren't intruding on someone else's rights.

This is a hard dance when our H's are hurting us and the kids through their selfishness. You will find a way, because you are that light tower, you are that rock for your children. Remember what you told me, take H off of your emergency contact list. He does not exist there. Assume that you cannot depend on him. The universe, God, or whatever you believe in, will supply the support you need. Remember all those neighbors that stopped by a few weeks ago? Let the help come from where it flows. You don't have to do everything on your own. You just have to do it without your H.

Did you ever make it down to the WIC office?

[nephartiti]

One of my H's uncle had an A. It went on for 4 years before his W found out. They already had a child together. He left W for OW for 1 1/2 years and had a second child with her. He is now back with his W, has been for more than four years. He has to pay child support. It is a mess, but he came home and she was still willing to take him. I don't think I could if it went that far, with other kids and everything.

Funny thing, when this Aunt caught wind of things when my H was in jail, she contacted me and offered support. Now she won't talk to me. H told her I was imagining things and convinced her he is staying with a male co-worker. Even after what she's been through and my describing all the same behaviors, she accepts his word. Convincing guy, huh?

[SallyM]

neph, I think that is rotten of your h's aunt. likely she has her own demons which never were really worked thru. time and truth will shine on you, but she may never be able to see it.

[SallyM]

The father did exactly what you said. He reconnected with the kids and grandkids and finally just broke down to his wife. he admitted he just came back for the kids but eventually he realized he missed their marriage too.

one thing my friend told me over and over when I first found out, was that its okay if its the kids that makes him try at first. it can't stay that way, but sometimes its enough to get things started again.

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))) mk, just saw your rant. I am so sorry. I'm really starting to get worried about you, actually. you are burning the candle at both ends...working so much, trying to keep your kids in a good place, all on your own. That can't be easy. my heart goes out to you and I wish your friends were being more understanding. I'm glad you are trying to fit some "you" time in, in spite of your busy schedule. they will understand, eventually. if they are friends worth having they will.

take care of yourself. and happy new year (is that right? I think it is, pardon my ignorance)

[mkultra]

LOL! Oh I am not Jewish. My neices' medical school is Jewish! You are so cute!

Sob Story From The Park:

On our play date, my friend opened up about her sister's divorce. Her BIL commited suicide after marrying the OW. Her sister was too "stubborn and judgemental" to forgive his affair so he could not come home after having a MLC and an affair with a coworker. My friend discovered them at work but never told her sister. Instead she kept it a secret knowing how unforgiving her sister would be. he did get caught, left his wife, their two kids. Married OW. Younger, trailer park girl, very poor. This WH then came out of his new marriage after two years but was told he could not come home to his first wife of 17 years. he begged and pleaded but his first wife said "no". She was too proud, big ego and the kids were almost grown and out of the house. He O.D.ed the next week in a half way house. Left a note to his kids. Both wives were at the funeral. But not the kids. Soooo sad. The IC said she was right not to take him back home. That he could have hurt orthers too. She never remarried.

Why did this story strike me so much. My H's aunts keep worrying that my H is also ending his life one way or another. That his behavior is so self destructive. I just say, "Everything will be fine. He has issues. It is typical MLC." Now, I feel like saying, "It is not my problem." Is that wrong?

[SallyM]

sorry, mk, I'm losing it. I really am.

wow, I am sooo sorry about your friend's sister's divorce. how horrible. really horrible.

I also worry very much about my H. not that I think he would hurt himself, more that he will spiral into self-destructive behaviors and end up being hurt one way or another. not good.

its not your problem, and its not my problem. but its hard to see someone we care about spiral. at the same time, there is absolutely nothing we can do about it, but step back and let them spiral. they need to do this for themselves.