Wow, Mk. It sounds like you H does have some serious self esteem issues. He probably feels like you are too good for him and that he does not deserve you or his normal stable family that comes with you.
S9's dad has said something similar to me. He says that he sabotaged our relationship because he felt he was living in my shadow. He felt I was too good. This put a lot of pressure on him to be bigger and better than he thought he was. His next girlfriend was a younger immature mess that couldn't even get up and out to work on time. He had to totally parent her just so she could halfway function. His life was chaos for 2 1/2 years. Now he is with a stable good responsible woman. Your H just has to go through this. I think you are really dealing with classic MLC. He probably has tons of guilt. He sounds like he was a really compssionate guy at one time. Sometimes people like that cannot accept that they have negative thoughts or feelings, even though this is normal. They are consumed with so much guilt that it feels like a death sentence.
Here's my 2 cents. Drop the rope completely. Go totally dark. Don't put any blame or guilt on him. When he spews, don't argue. Don't pressure him to help with the kids. When he comes, be totally detached and non threatening. Go on with life as usual, but don't make a big display of what he has left, is missing. Show him that you are strong and capable;you don't need him. You are seriously thinking about D, so this will just prepare you if you do. However, it may give the space he needs to finish his MLC process and start moving to the next phase.
Have you put together a basic timeline of his MLC process so far?
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
Well, I was reading in the MLC forum. There are six stages and they all have basic life spans. If you really look back, you can kind of get an idea of where they are at by where they have been.
I think Neph is spot on again! My H was always completely good in many people's eyes. So this is a tragedy. He was put on a pedestal because one brother died and the other brother disowned the family. My H is the golden child, the loyal one, the sweet one.
He eschewed his family for fostering an air of infidelity regarding his elderly aunt. She is Catholic and literally waited for her H of 50 years to die. Many of the women just told her to go out and find a man, why did she have to wait for her H to die to take a lover. My H's uncle was mildly retarded but this aunt had such poor English, she did not realize until she came to the U.S. My H absolutely did not condone his aunt breaking her vows under any circumstance. His aunt never even consumated her marriage, these old folks lived like sibling companions, but my H said that there is no excuse for anyone to ever cheat on their vows. He died around the time my H's MLC began. The MLC forum mentions a death of a prominent relative can trigger a MLC. I also believe my H's ideals of love and tradition has somehow created a monster. Because he was so extreme in his views of fidelity, he has just gone to the opposite extreme. Like when ministers of faith cheat. They just don't cheat, they cheat in extreme scandals with gay prostitutes and such!!!. Yeah.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
wow, mk, that story about his aunt makes me sooo sad. and wow about H's transformation. that is really something. I can see how much you've been dealing with.
how is D6 doing?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
She always acts so happy to see her daddy. Dr. Numan said on Oprah that the children will feel guilty about loving the "bad spouse". They feel like they are betraying the "loyal spouse" just for spending time with their unfaithful daddy. No matter how much I protect her from the gossip and badmouthing she knows that her Daddy is acting strange and doing a bad thing. That is why she is jealous of kids who get to live with both parents.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
(((HUGS))) to your D. she seems to be forced to grow up too fast it seems.
my kids are sad about daddy not living with us, but I try my hardest to make him out to be a bad guy. its a sad, every single day thing that I deal with, and wow, it gets hard. but I don't want them to feel guilty for loving/wanting their daddy, so I keep it safe to talk to me about their sadness. but wow, I want to kick him/hit him/pummel him every time they talk to me.
I'm scared for when they meet ow someday...I just fear they will feel replaced, just like they will realize mommy has been replaced.
Last edited by morgan; 10/03/0702:41 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I just remind them that will get to see Daddy and that he loves them very much.
My friend, 3 years divorced, said her kids eventually figured it out on their own, that their Dad was having an affair with a married woman. It is still pretty bad for her three kids. They have rejected their own Dead Beat Dad for their soon to be step father. Her XH never cheated whilst marrried though, like mine did.
My kids found out at Disneyland, that Daddy has an OW. Thanks Mom! I cannot visulaize ever replacing their Dad with a step Parent. dad is always dad, no matter what, right? Yet, I never thought this would happen to a man who wore a sling for 12 months, but I do sense my H detaching from the kids. It is like he is so insecure, he thinks no one likes him, not even his own kids, so he is just kind of disappearing more and more. As my MIL said, he is digging a hole so deep, he cannot get out.
Last edited by mkultra; 10/03/0704:48 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
