To all my famaliar voices of care and concern who wiped their feet in my thread....I give a MIGHTY THANK YOU! The wonderful thing about this board is I can just expel my cr@p and have incredible individuals of care peer in. I didnt intend to make my W out as a villian or a terrible individual. I was really tearing into myself for my thoughts of futility and hopelessness.
High,
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Hey brother, you need a vacation.
Don't I know it man...I always kid with the people at work that I am one "mouse click" away from dashing outta here...I could really use a secluded island somewhere,...
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Is anyone in this picture going to a counselor? Because it sounds like your wife is f@cke up from the floor up, still. You're sounding pretty rough yourself buddy
My oldest S and W see the same Psychiatrist...You can be told so many things of wonder but if you fail to enact upon them then they remain what they are....suggestions.... You were being kind when you said I sound "pretty rough"...more along the lines of F@ck'd up from the floor up is more accurate...jagged even.
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really feel like your kids are only responding to the mess they see from their parents. Like, if you guys can't care for yourselves and each other, how can they expect anything from you?
This is the "theme" of everything in my life right now...it entails everything!!! example "If you arent taking care of yourselfs then how can they expect you will take care of them?" I need to pour a littel paint thinner on the old mind and see if I can strip some of this residue...thanks High for echoing my lifes lesson for the moment....you always drop an anedote for me to reassure that I am thinking somewhat on the correct path.
Cat, As always you give me far more credit than is due but I truly appreciate it!
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see you doing so much work and I do give you credit for trying to make your W's bday a good one, even if she doesn't deserve it, for doing so much at home, not every man has to deal with so much housework WHILE holding a job, you are amazing in my book.
I am struggling in every sense of the word but it is because I am trying to lessen my expectations while trying to inflate my aspirations...
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I agree with MrH, your W is so self-absorbed right now and acting her shoe size, unbelievable. I so wish you wouldn't have to quiet your meetings, perhaps you could replace them w/a good C now and then to keep your sanity amid all the chaos?
My W is a tad on the self absorbed side right now because of her excitement with her job...I will not quit my meetings entirely...I still will go to my tues meetings. (even though I wasnt able to go last night because W had to work late again ) My W has had to overcome a lot as well. I need to understand that and remind myself of this each and every minute. Just because she moved back in doesnt mean that all our problems will evaporate...just means that we are both willing to do something about them. I don't see really too many moments by myself coming up in the future because of the plate that is full with all our children. It is one of my first goals....strangle a half hour somewhere to contemplate...But Cat, thanks for dropping some words and I truly appreciate each and every one. Fender,
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As I sat watching the movie I asked my GF, she's Psychologist, what she thought of the program. She said and I quote, "It's best thing ever for any addiction."
I will one better than this...it is a pretty well kept secret that a lot of the AA program is suggested by trained Psychs, socialogists for depression, life problems and such. Of course any addictions as well. I have nothing but great admiration for the AA program. It actually has no holes...not many books I can say about this..When used with DB it is also very incredible. I just am at a point that I really wonder how necessary it is for me to be embracing "sobriety". I am not a "lost Weekend" type drinker...more of a isolationist... BUt that is all I am pondering.....as far as the serenity prayer,,,,my mouth is in constant motion mumbling that one for every reason....thanks fender for jumping the tracks from time to time... Aud, Your support has been what has kept me afloat..and what makes you think I havent imploded already anyway ?
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Love, hugs, and prayers.
I take it all and throw at right back at cha! Peace...I have to get back to my mind numbing dead end job....
glad you reported back sailor, all the best, glad to hear you will still attendy your Tues mettings.
[quote]You can be told so many things of wonder but if you fail to enact upon them then they remain what they are....suggestions....[quote] My H is the same, he tells me how he doesn't see himself following the path the T is drawing for him, that has a hard time implementing what he learns. I sometimes think he doesnt' like them because they aren't easy, because they take work and might prove him wrong.
Anyways, peace to you big W))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Sorry if I'm totally off base, but I don't think sobriety is the issue here...it's your sense of helplesness in changing/lessening the chaos swirling around you.
There are so many factors out of your control, they're mind-numbing. I know that feeling, really, I do. That feeling is no excuse for checking out and/or succumbing to the maelstrom. (Not that I think you're checking out or succumbing--but one can only take so much before shutting down, and I sense you're nearing shut-down-mode. )
Where is your center? Who are you when you strip away the obligations and busy-ness and fatigue? Who do you want to be?
Aud, What do I want to be???? I want to feel important or at the very least pertinent. I know for a fact that when I step on soil I leave an imprint....now if I can step in others peoples lives and even more importantly mine, I would like to do the same. I don't need a lot of money, don't care much about prestige...but when I speak, or do the most innate thing, I want it to mean something.
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Sorry if I'm totally off base, but I don't think sobriety is the issue here...it's your sense of helplesness in changing/lessening the chaos swirling around you.
offbase? Hardly. This is the stem of my predicament. I have come to the point that I will not try to control it, I will just find the nearest tourniquet to halt some of the bleeding. I think you correctly put into words what I am feeling about sobriety...thank you for thinking for me and expressing my opinions better than myself.
Anyways, with that off my chest. My home has become a fertile ground of teenage angst, toddler turmoil, medical maladies and a head cold that wont release it's grip. My W is still staying late every night as more and more responsibilities of her new job accumulate. I have decided to let it be. She rants and raves howe much pressure she is going through and low and behold I have a FULL time job and then as soon as I walk in the door I also have to keep the house up, monitor homework with a scrupulous eye to make sure each child is on the up and up, pay all the bills and ensure that the little ones demanding mouth gets fed. (that sounds bad, but I need a little feeding myself) I am tearing up the "strategies" and getting back to basics...time to GAL... On sat a guy at AA decided he would take over my duties, but it would be a week later than I wanted. That was fine for me and I feel a little of the weight released. My tues meeting is tonight and I will be there no matter what. I told my W that I am going tonight so please get home somewhat reasonable time...I know work priorities(I really do) but it stems on the inconsiderate when she could go into work early instead of staying later... My W has been acting somewhat "cool" and the kids are been hostile but I will so what I need to do....I have an interview today not really I job I want, and pays a little better but the more important thing is that it gets me out of the "stewing cauldron" in which I boil at my current workplace.
So there you are....."as if" my way through this thread...peace
when I speak, or do the most innate thing, I want it to mean something.
I suspect that the things you say and do DO mean a lot...its pretty difficult to feel like it when you're receiving nothing but negative feedback. Grains of sand piled on top of each other become mountains--and so do the seemingly un-noticed acts of service you give each day. I hope that you receive the appreciation you deserve someday.
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I will do what I need to do
This is all you can do. If you're not getting what you need from them, you have to find ways to take care of yourself. Even if it means you risk being accused of not pulling your weight. (Which just makes me stew for you, because that's really not fair...reality is though, that life isn't fair and your W sees things from her perspective, and there is little you can do about that beyond giving yourself the gift of some time/activities that make you feel more whole.)
I like your plan of continuing your meetings and getting out of the bad work environment you're enduring. Every little step forward will get you moving in the direction you want to go. Good luck with the interview!
good and best of luck on your interview! hope you get the position. Glad you are making time to go to AA, too bad if she balks at it. Have you tried that Zinc stuff for your headcold? I know it cut my cold before it got any worse, I'm pretty sure it must help some even it the cold is already present.
Anyways, why do you think are the children hostile? that worries me, although teenagers are hostile to begin with so that might just be the nature of the beast.
keeping my fingers crossed for you))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Tues was a good day, at least for the most part. I havent said that for quite awhile it seems. My day started with a meeting with my current supervisor who wanted to "gauge" where I was at in my position and see where we could fine tune some points. I pretty much just expunged everything I had been holding back for quite awhile....I dropped the "c" from care and just became "are". As always nothing I had to relay struck her as anything important but at least I got it out of my system. Used my meeting as a lavatory..... Felt a lot lighter afterward. I went to my interview and it went incredibly well. I went in there with the "as if" and was offered the position. It isnt really anything fantastic but a little extra money and a "get out of jail free card". That is more than enough for me. Plus it gives me an opportunity for change which is MORE than needed. Yesterday I told my supervisor and she was more than surprised and tried to counter offer. I explained that money was not my mode of transportation....I am trying to cultivate my emotional well being and dropping the toxins from my life...my current job is the largest. So I start my new job on the 16th of november. I feel relieved just for the change of scenery and the new job will pay for 4 years of college and it doesnt matter what the major is...(within reason of course) Later on tuesday went to me AA meeting barely making it on time because my w was working late again. The meeting was incredible for me because it reaffirmed what I was going through..."LET go, Let GOD"...I really believe that is the only explanation for my new job...I stopped trying to fix the problem. When I got home though, tehre was chaos admist the house again....EVERYTIME,...EVERYTIME I leave for meeting I come home to chaos. I am a "live wire" lately or least for several months now and I just have come to the point that I am tired of trying to resolve. AS much as it seems, I dont really like the sound of my voice and that isnt why I am speaking. My Oldest son is having suicidial thoughts again because he doesnt feel adequate or a big enough member of the family. His school work is still suffering and my W has been so tired and predisposed with her new job that everyone seems to be spending a lot of time lobbying for her attention. I told him that would make another appointment with Psychiatrist but he needs to know that no one can make him feel anything. He needs to understand that he is in control of this situation, not lean for words of reassurance 23 out of 24 hours of the day. The reason I said taht is because daily I tell him how much he is needed and loved in our home but he only listens to what he wants to listen to. My stress level with the home is gurgling and bubbling over. The little one is the one guiding everything in the home and the W is wanting me to be her rock to lean on with everything while she goes through this transition of her new job. I am happy for her but really I am in mode of selfish right now because everything she is feeling, I have been going through for years now....I am so so tired. I erupted when she complained that she will have to work late again everyday this week. I said "that if you can go in anytime you want, then why do you choose to go in at 9:30am? Why dont you go into work early and get your work done and get home at a reasonable hour than go in late and stay late?" She didnt react very well to it and said "because she doesnt feel well and is tired". HMMMMM...Don't know much about that!!!! I have been sacrificng my sleep and energy for years now just to make sure I do whatever I can to be home to help with the house....eh..whatever I guess. She said that we are not communicating well and I agreed. When we are only talking about "her" work it becomes tiresome...I know wrong, but hell...I am done being a "steward" to everyones life...she is always saying "WHY don't I talk more?" I explained because when I do, it instantly gets transformed into what she is doing at her work. "validation" is a nub word for me but it does have credit. So anyway, I will ramble sometime elsewhere...in a nutshell...The only work that is being done at my home is "on my home" and that my friends will never suffice. Dylan is gurgling somewhere in the distance "The Times, They are a Changin'"...peace
Congrats on the new job!! horay!!!! I love that saying"let go, let God", must be my mantra.
I'm sorry to hear your son is feeling that way, I do hope he already has an appoinment, and hopefully with a psychologist too, my H suffers from depression (dont' know if I've mentioned that before) so I understand how hopeless your son feels.
Would she compromise to go to work at 9, perhaps 8:30 even? perhaps make her accountable for one chore you always do so she can see that you too are tired and can't be responsible for everything in the house.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
) My W has had to overcome a lot as well. I need to understand that and remind myself of this each and every minute. Just because she moved back in doesnt mean that all our problems will evaporate...just means that we are both willing to do something about them.
)