A - yes i was/am generally feeling better. The bubble from teh weekend soons off when a bad week at work kicks in. I must look at the positives, which are - H is now coming to bed the same time as me, we can sit in the same room which each other and I at least do not feel uncomfortable. He is excercing more, which is a good thing. However, I can't stop the niggles in the back of my mind. Things like, I wish he would seem more interested in me, show me some affection (maybe ML), initiate a date, anything....
I would like to clear the air and find out where I stand, but equally neither of us are that good at commuincating and I don't really want to hear any negative stuff as it would hinder my PMA.
I know I should read his actions and that he/we seem to have made huge progress, I still have that doubt in the back of my mind whether he will go or stay.
I'm not sure whether he is waiting for me to iniate more affection or ML. I did hug up to him at the weekend and he said he didn't mind when i asked. I'm just don't want to risk more rejection if I made the first move and equally I feel if he wanted it he would initiate, maybe he's so unsure of the 'new' me that he's afraid of been rejected.
Cat, Azhira & Grace - how are things with your H's?
XX D
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
If you can just "be" and be comfortable in the same room, that's just fime. I know you want more and I hate the "niggles". Remember to be patient and then be patient some more. One thing that was pointed out to me is that when I get those thoughts that something is going to happen....sometimes it does and sometimes I may have created it, just so I would know when the bomb would drop (as opposed to waiting for it). I found this worth alot of thought. Has sure brought my patience back up.
Things just are for me right now. Working on patience and positive energy.
It will be six weeks on Saturday that H dropped 2nd bomb that he wanted to move out and I asked him to stay and live as friends. He said it wouldn't work, but he is still living here (as he can't afford to move out)and we are lving like friends/flatmates.. What if he is happy with that and dosn't want to work at things? That would account for his upbeat behaviour and also account for the lack of affection and doing things together? In the long run can I live without affection and intimacy? No I don't want to.
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
I don't think any of us should have to live without affection and intimacy forever. I've been told that having them at home is alot harder on us, but better for the M. I don't know if it's true or not, but I'm working it. It's hard, really hard. I've been doing it for 8 months now. What I wouldn't give for a "real" kiss. It let's me work at being "friends" in the true sense of the word. Do I want to be "friends"? No, not just friends. I belive though that love is friendship on fire.....
Maybe your right Grace, maybe we can start again and become friends again and work on communication, it's been 5 months for me so far and it is certainly better for the kids to have him around and maybe in the long run the M as well. You have to learn to live compatably along side one another. I actually had a fantasy about been 'kissed' by H the other day....it's been a long time since I did that - roll over Brad Pitt..
Cinders - did your H leave?
Any way more thoughts.
What things can i put into a plan of action as plans so far have been to work on me and i am seeing huge improvements, but what if the improvements are because he is staying here to live as 'friends'?
If he stays and lives like a friend will a light bulb come on eventually and he decides he does have deeper feelings?
Are the improvements because he now has no pressure to be a husband?
Sorry to panic but I would hate to think that he is here just because i asked him to live as friends. It puts a whole new perspective on things.
Maybe he just needs time and space to sort his head out? He certainly isn't acting as if he is still in MLC mode.
Please, please thoughts?
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Yes my H left....he has been gone for a little over a year now. He has a PA with ow now, since last November.
Things improved for us too in those very first months of just living together as friends...I thought it would save my marriage, because like Grace said it deepened our friendship bond ! But as soon as ow got back from abroad, things changed COMPLETELY. I was SO HURT and felt SO BETRAYED, I didn't want him in my life. It hurt too much. Still does, to some extent.
I think we won't know how it will all go, till the fat lady has gone home.......so, TIME is the key issue...and live your life in the mean time !!!
((((((((hugs))))))))
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I can totally relate. I wonder if my H is in MLC or what, then I stop. It doesn't matter. I've been working on me too. Can't see all the changes, but I feel good.
What if he doesn't discover deeper feelings, what if..... You need to stop the spin cycle. I do this by focusing on our D's and what's best for them. His being here will help to insulate them from poor choices they could make in their teen years (and later). I also do something of intrest to me. I'm going to take a couple of classes soon, I go dancing some (we used to dance together so sometimes i have a little trouble here). Do you have a hobby? I know it's hard esp with a 3year old. Even reading and doing something at home.
Don't panic about having said you'd live as friends. You'd hit me to know wome of what I said to H early on.
