It was all about R talk last night. I wasnt sure if he was coming since last night was his regular visit night.I was trying to pyche myself up b/c after all the intense text messaging from me this past weekend to H while he was out of town, I just knew that hes being away & alone somethings must of gotten thru to him somehow. So, I was trying to pysche myself up in order not to let my big mouth get in the way incase he did come by. I knew if he came he wouldnt stay so I had no expectations therefore I wouldnt be disapointed.
The girls and I had finished dinner when in he came. In the kitchen bar I had two family portraits that I had taken down 5 months ago & I was going to put them back up this past weekend,but D6 had broken the glass on one of them. H noticed it & asked what happend. My big (sarcastic) mouth got in the way! After I explained what D6 had done, w/ a smile I said well I looked at it this way its broken just like our M is broken. He gave me a smirk & the bird. Then I thought to myself, God Chicki can you just ever shut up! Thinking I had blown it already I tried to recup by the acting as if and in a good mood. He asked where is the food, Im hungry? I said I didnt think you were coming? He gave me a look like,(?) OK, I deserve that. I continued w/ my big mouth for I didnt want to show how he hurt me, so I told him well, I know your not staying very long so you can eat over there when you leave. He looked down and said yeah,ok I'll do that.
After he spent a few minutes w/ the girls, he laid down beside me on my bed. He attempted to kiss me, but I automatically backed off without thinking about it. A part of me wanted to ML, but the other half jsut couldnt do it. I let him give me several pecks after. Then we laid there in silence. He gave me another intense passionate kiss & returned it. We kissed for a while. We then were making out & he asked that I shut the door as he was trying to take my clothes off. I said no. He pulled me on top of him to grind me agianst him, but I still felt NOTHING. Maybe I was too hurt? How can do this , I thought to myself? How can he expect me to perform after what he did just days ago? He told the girls NO MORE OW, he moved all his stuff in only to leave again. I got off from on top of him and laid next ot him. I turned away from him and he wraped his arm around me.
I told him "what do you think this is? Do you think you can the best of both worlds? It doesnt work that way.
I wanted to get R talk going so badly. I wanted to know what his plans are now that his stuff was back in the house. I wanted to know if I was going to come home one day only to find his stuff gone again. So, I iniated the R convo in nonchalant kind of way. I pointed to the drawers & told him I had put his clothes away in those drawers on Friday before I knew he was not returning. Why did you do that, he said? I didnt know you werent coming back.
M- so when are you moving all your stuff back out?
H- never
M- huh?
H- look I moving back just not yet.
M- so let me see if I get this right. Your plans are to get your clothes & things little by little as you need them?
H- no.
M- what is you want me to do? you want me to continue waitng forever? You know just like you found someone better than me, can do the same. Every can always find someone better the last, IF your looking for it. My freinds try to set me up all the time. They dont understand why I am putting up w/ this.
H- I am not stupid I know your not waiting.(insuating I am seeing OP)
M- You really dont know me do you?So what do you think your doing? Are you using our house as storage while continuing to live w/ her? Its been six months.
H- Yes & it took me six months to move evryting out. I didnt take it all & move out at once. <true, I insisted for him to take all his stuff. He never wanted to take all his clothes. I took all his stuff out of our bathroom.> H- So, I have all my stuff back now & I plan on leaving it all here. I was not gonna move back in all at once the same day. I know I need to move back, but I am so afraid things will go back the way it was. The arguing & now the mistrust. I am really afraid.
M- I understand & I dont want to sit here and TELL you how I have grown & changed. I want to show you,but you will have to take a chance on us to see. I no longer want to argue over nonsense. Life is too short and I dont want to keep wasting any more time or energy on that.
H- I am not happy. M- I know you love her very much. SO why do you think your not happy? H- I dont know. M- You said to me before that your willing to make it work w/ her. Why cant you do that w/ us? H- I m not gonna make it work w/ her.
I lot more was said. Basically he said that maybe on the weekend when I have to go to Orlando (10/13) he would prolly move back. But he said I dont want to get your hopes up either.
As he was opening the door to leave,he had such a sad look that I perked my lips at him as to say hey kiss me goodbye. I gave him a kiss. He said "you lucked out tonight, you didnt get any sex." I just smiled.
