Thanks for your post. I struggle with this issue all the time. I have given her all kinds of space, which she asked for and all the books say is essential for us LBS to do. Every once in a while I'll gently say in an email that I am willing to talk anytime she'd like. Two weeks ago I told her that in an email that informed her of my move to the new apartment. I wanted her to know that the move was not a sign that I'm running out on the relationship.
I just make it a couple of lines in an email that deals with other issues. No begging or pleading, no "I can't live without you" or "How can you do this to me?" I just state my willingness to work on creating a new marriage. I also acknowledge that I'm still willing to give her time and space if that's what she needs. All I get from her is "thanks for your email." Given that there are other issues discussed in the email, I really don't have a clue what she's thanking me for. Everything I read says I can't pull her out of her crisis; she has to come out on her own. Either I'll be there when she does, or I won't. That decision is mine. For now, I'm willing to wait.
I wonder if I'm being courageous and patient, or a fool. I'm still standing for the marriage and standing behind my vows, but it does get awfully hard some days. Overall I'm in a good place emotionally about myself but I vacillate on whether I'm doing the right thing in the relationship. I love her, and still believe we can be wonderful for each other if each of us is willing to work at it. In effect, I've told her that I'm willing to show up for duty. I don't know where that would lead; maybe I'll decide she can't give me what I need. Still, my feeling today is that I want to give it all I have.
Michele is so right in saying that we must really exhaust all possibilities to save the relationship. I feel my WAW feels she's done everything and I was hopeless. I had/have my faults, to be sure, but all this reading has convinced me that she didn't really try all approaches. I needed other approaches to draw me out of my problems, and I needed to take a different approach to her. Right now, though, I feel she's working on her own MLC identity issues more than reading about how to improve relationship dynamics. That's a guess, however. I will only be emotionally happy with myself if I know I've really attempted to save the relationship. If it ends, then I'll be at peace with my efforts and move on. Love, though, demands passing through the fire.
She has never mentioned that she wants a divorce, but she doesn't even hint at a willingness to sit down and talk about the tough stuff. She is a stone wall of silence on the important stuff.
I'm leery of imposing a conversation deadline or anything else that looks like "We must talk now." All the literature talks about how that will only make WAW run the other way faster. Perhaps I will get to that point where I will say we must talk so that I can make a decision about whether I want to go ahead with my life without her. I am still willing to wait, but obviously we all have our limits. I just take it day by day. Can't say if I'll be at that "fish our cut bait" point two weeks from now, two months from now, or who knows when. I'm really focusing on "living the moment" and being fully present where I am right now. I'm not living in the past by longing for the good times we shared or resenting past hurts. I'm not living in the future either, for I don't know what that brings. I live right now.
Take care, and make it a good day for you, your kids, and others.
