it would be financially feasable as h still has his appartment.
h wont leave h wont so much as sleep in the basement..
h doesn't know what he wants to do...
he doesn't want to leave but knows that just being here isn't enough..
it is not all bad and that I point out to h as well...there are good things...things are better than they were before all this...h is more affectionate...more considerate of my need to sit a bit..while he tends to the kiddos...there are a lot of possitives.
there are plenty of ways to go about things without h moving back to his appartment...the house is plenty big (9 room colonial with a fully finished basement with all the emenities) there is plenty of space for each of us to have our own area...thing is the basement was to be h's cave...but he stopped hanging out down there...when he would sit down there I'd leave him be unless invited...now he's in the family room...my space (our space) so what am I to do go down to his cave?? go to my room?
another separation in this r would be the end...I will not go through another separation...no growth occured during it and none will this time either...if h goes he will be gone and that is that!
h just needs a bit of fire under his butt...
the makings of a great r are all within reach..h just doesn't seem to want to extend his arm without straightening that elbow...
It's all so compex. I know it takes work...but does it have to be SO hard! Don't know what to add here. Perhaps we both need something dramatic to happen to shake things loose.
I'd like your insight...please drop by my thread when you have a chance.
You are a wise and courageous woman. You know what needs to be done. If it doesn't work you'll find something else. h is the loser if he misses out on a friendship with you. I know my life is so much richer bacause of you and your friendship.
Have you read the book "Getting Back Together"? You may like it. I also heard "Second Honeymoon" is good. They may or may not help your sitch.
I understand that you are living together and to have him move out again would be horrible. I am speaking of before he moved back in. If you can co-habitat in the house and feel good about it then great, I know that I could not.
I hope it all works out for you LL.
Tina
M 14 years, tog 20. 3 kids D-13, S-11, S-9. Bomb dropped June 1/02, sep Aug 11, living with OW since Oct/02.
I'm sorry about all of this. You know, why don't you ask him about the telephone calls? Frankly, I almost think you guys are at a point where you can have these discussions...unlike most others on the BB.
LL, as we both know, some days are better than others. Maybe he's just going through a tough spell these last couple of days and he'll pull out of it by tomorrow? Heck, we go through bad spells. Thing is, he's home and trying to work on things. It's not going to be consistent and it's not going to be pretty. And it seems that when he gives you a (positive) glimpse of what the future might hold, you hold onto it tightly, then when he drifts back to his sadness, you begin wringing your hands again. I do the same...the exact same thing. I believe this is why detaching is necessary because tomorrow they may be acting "normal" again???
IMHO (not that it makes any difference), it is necessary that your H blindly lets go of two things that he may psychologically consider a "backup": - Get rid of OW as customer. - Get rid of apartment. - (I also think he needs to cut back on his work hours to spend quality time with family and LL, but that is another discusssion.)
I think that as long as he holds onto them, he's holding onto pieces of his sordid past and thus, guilt. This would not only be a gesture for you, but would serve like a cleansing almost, a purging of the old to free himself of the new. Like you indicated, a shedding of the old skin. Now, how to get him to make that leap of faith???
Quote: Now, how to get him to make that leap of faith???
well the discussion last night started by my asking how his day was..then him getting into the fact that he's gotta go through all the books get everything in line to get the taxes done...then of course has to get the season proposals ready wich lead to my asking what he plans to do about these customers (the 5 on her street and it's a littel close culdisac so imho all should go..to close for comfort)
he said he had to talk to employee who he contracts cuts out too...imho again this wont work..this way someone goes and cuts the lawns..but he is still the landscaper still the one they call still the one who sends the bills still the one who addresses problems and after all h does do more than just cut lawns so the tie directly to him for anything else is still there...
h doesn't know what to do with this...
h changed his story about when he plowed her driveway...she was conveniently in the garage doing something...(ya whatever little twit) so he did say hi and all that how are you crap...
h doesn't know what to do about that sit...
about the appartment???
think he's waiting til such a time that all is well and he's happy here all the time...
it's a convinience for him and yes whether he realizes it or not it's a saftey.
h has taken the rest of the day off to go be a good friend to buddie who is upset about it being the anniversary of his mothers death (several years have passed not that it makes it easier)
so what to do???
when h called to tell me of his change of plans I was kind and considerate and compasionate about the sit...suggesting to h that he not let buddie drink too much that if he starts in that direction to suggest tossing around a football instead of hanging at the bar..h agreed and then said bye in such a manner that was...well????...sweet I guess.
so I've made plans to take off for dinner with the kiddos and my mom...I don't think h will actually make it home at 6 like he says and honestly if his friend needs him he needs to be there...but I can't help but wonder...where the hell is buddies wife for him today????? she should be the one to comfort him today not my h. oh well not my business.
LL, I have seen alot of turmoil in your life lately. See the 'giant' steps. You are a success. Your H is home and does not have to be - remember last summer when you would have been ecstatic to have H rumple bed? Instead of getting angry as bed is not made - be thankful that he is there messing it up! For years my H worked nights and for years our bed was never made - more important who's bed H is in and who joins him there. Don't sweat the small stuff. You are right, everything is within reach - how about calling Michelle's office for a phone consult or two? I think you just need a jump start - guidelines. I know that when my H clears the MLC tunnel, we will have IN WRITING what needs to be done and there will be no provisions for back-sliding - provisions to correct maybe, boundaries will be clearly defined and a blue print for a successful marriage.
Michelle has written that when you get back together there is a whole lot of 'stuff' that you (LBS) will be dealing with that you previously had to push aside - re-read DB - share w/H, and call her office for appt - even if it is only you - the perspective will be helpful. They can tell you about all you are dealing with now and help you. I went through this 15 years ago - too bad I did not learn/keep all my lessons. It jumped out at me that you have (since H's return) not been attending church - I am here to tell you - that is so important. Keep doing what works - forever! So re-read DR, call Michelle's office (they will check out your posts and you will waste no time), and pray. The most important ingredient in this is prayer. FAith. Hope. Love. LSL
I know that a rummbled bed matters not..I simply state that I do feel better for some reason when h makes the effort to put it back together after getting out of it but when he doesn't I keep it to myself.
I know I need to get back to going to mass regularly wish we could go as a family but??? don't really have a good excuse so I'll stop there.
I will re-read dr again and again and when I find something of interest I will show it to or read a sentance to h to peak his interest.
I don't know about a call to a db coach...am I simply avoiding??? maybe
I love my h and he loves me of that there is no denying but we each want more and don't know how to get there.
Quote: h doesn't know what to do about that sit...
Oh, LL, I think maybe he does...he's just not willing to go there yet. Is it right to push this issue, or is it better not to push? Thing is, although scary, I think it's a leap he needs to make to demonstrate his commitment to you to work things out, and to rid himself of the past...
Financially, I imagine that the payments from 5 customers pretty much equal the cost of the apartment. Therefore, getting rid of both is a financial wash. Right?
Quote: Financially, I imagine that the payments from 5 customers pretty much equal the cost of the apartment. Therefore, getting rid of both is a financial wash. Right?
apartment is an arrangement with another customer...so it's a wash (I did bring up the cost of the apartment when talking about school) so no the $$ is a non issue there..
Quote: When's his next C appointment?
don't know that he's made one yet... and don't know that he's likely to find his answer there either...the answer is within him he just has to make the choice.
oh damn music in my head...
if you chose not to decide you still have made a choice!
because tomorrow they may be acting "normal" again???