I second the motion that discussing the past is counterproductive. All it ever accomplishes is dragging up bad memories and bringing out our defensive nature. I have been cutting it out of my R talks with my W. She always seems to bring it up. I am convinced she does so to try to prove to herself that I am still that person and those memories of that old me help her to justify where she is today. But, she knows that I am not that same man and that I am making changes. When she brings it up, I will say politely, "I know how you feel about the things I have done or who I was in the past and I am truly sorry. You have all the right to have those feelings, I am not trying to force you to forget them, but talking about the past is not going to help us to have a better today or tomorrow. Only what we do now is going to decide that." Generally when I say something along those lines she will either agree or at least stop talking about the past and return to the conversation that pertains to today.
I would love to hear some other approaches anyones has tried when the S tries to drudge up the past.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
