muddled and angry: Puddle's sencond thread

[Heimlich]

Puddle,
As one would expect, I agree 100% with CVA. Connection in a long-term R doesn't just happen by accident, it takes work. Not turning over every stone to see if that connection can be regained, especially with kids involved, is the coward's way out.

I don't know if this is going to make any sense, Puddle, but here goes. Seems like you have to do two, mutually exclusive things:
1. You have to be brutally honest with your H. He seems to want it. It seems like this was something missing in your R in the past -- you not being emotionally available/honest with him. He's asking for it. Tell him.
2. At the same time, you need to not need him. You've got to believe in your bones that staying with him is a preferance, not a need (trust me, I'm staggering toward this myself. Getting there, in zigs and zags).

So, while you're being honest, you've got to express that you think that things could be OK, BUT that you don't NEED him. Maybe you could approach conversations with him by asking him to ask you questions. Like you said, restating what you've said already is counterproductive. As hard as it is, don't (or at least try not to).

He's an emotionally immature idiot if he just thinks that he's going to connect with someone and it's going to be ticker-tape parades and kisses for the rest of this life (sorry, just finished watching The War on PBS. Excellent, by the way). You know that. You can't tell him that, because, well, you know. Same reason I shouldn't have told my W the girls aren't doing well. Just pissed her off (oh yeah, she ain't happy with me).

You've gotta detach, Puddle. Let him go. You're hanging on tightly. When I said earlier that it's like he feels trapped and needs to run. It's just a gut feeling on my part, ignore freely, by the way, that with his 'revelation' of his 'new self' being a father and husband isn't part of that deal. Almost like he's scared to stand up and be the man he should be. You said that he's not really changed and that you're hoping he'll take the kids every other weekend. Sorry, but an active father should be fighting to see his kids as often as possible (sorry, personal bias there).

Has he given you ANY real reason why this connection he's searching for can't be found with you?

Last thought, I'm not sure him moving out is a bad thing. Is he still sleeping with one of your kids? If so, he needs his own space -- couch maybe. I generally think that staying in the same house is best, but if you're starting to feel contempt . . .

And, hey, that's cool that your BIL says that you'll be snapped up. He's trying to boost you; let him. That's OK, even if you don't want that at the moment.

Desk now has several identifiable piles, which, sadly, is progress.