More Growing and Healing

[frank_D]

Hey, I'm still reading and rooting for you

[runningoutoftime]

There's probably a way to set up conference call over the computer if everyone involved has a microphone and decent sound...

Gosh, I hope I'm not one of those egos! I find I stay on this site because it helps me stay focused in my own marriage and reminds me of where I've been and where I'd like to avoid going... but where I can be if I need to. Don't know if that makes any sense...

[LoginName]

Hi AmyC,
I don't think we've met, but I've read some of your posts on others threads. For instance, I've tried to keep up with KS Chick. It seems to me you were or did post alot, so I've seen you around. I've been impressed with your comments.

I don't no your sitch though. It's hard to find. I don't see a link in your post.

I would like to be more involved, trying to help others, support others, like I was supported. I picked up a couple of newbies at one point and worked with them. They have both fallen off the boards, at least for now. I have tried to keep up with some others, like KS Chick, but often she, and many others post so much, and often short, make sense only in context posts. It's hard to follow and catch up.

Maybe I could be a support for you, at least a small one?

Another perspective is that many on these boards are lucky to have one or two people reading and posting to them. The 2 I was helping... I was often the only one to respond to them. I think you are lucky if you have about 5 still interacting with you.

I had a great team, and luckily I had them early when I needed them. They have gone. Fortunately, they have gone because their sitches got so good they stopped coming to the boards. Cool. I need, we need, to see success stories. I hope to be one myself (sure takes longer than I'd like though).

Pressure from 'over the top' praise: I can see how you might feel it. I don't think it's helpful if the person receiving the advice starts to idealize the adizor too much. I think it's natural they would. They need a hero, or rather want a hero, to solve their problems. Of course, they have to learn to be their own hero.

I have read a few (too few) of Frank's posts and have been generally impressed too. If you don't mind, Frank, I'll try to catch up and join you.

Amy, I'm really sorry your in a downhill slide. I'll listen if you want to talk, or if you point me to the right thread/posts to read. I'm struggling with the "is this worth it" thoughts. Is that some of what your feeling?

thanks,

[LoginName]

Hi Frank, I'll chime in.

Everyone else, don't you sometimes think that you KNOW what is going on in someones sitch, and if someone says otherwise, well, you're going to have to 'straighten them out'? Then later you find out you were mistaken?

Have you ever felt that the person giving you advice thinks they KNOW your sitch and that your just not listening to the truth? A lot of times, I think, that's true, but sometimes the advisor really doesn't understand.

I guess, in this format especially, it's impossible to know all the pertinent information. I think KNOWING and giving advice based on that is sometimes good. I think the advice to GAL, take care of yourself, detach, is always, always right, no matter what the sitch. After that, I don't know. How can you really know someone's sitch just based on this board and their postings? That's where people like you take a risk and give advice anyway. I've hesitated giving advice I feel is right because I doubt, and don't Know, that I really understand the others sitch. Bottom line: it's tricky helping others, especially here, but someone has to do it, and it's a great service. (although I have heard/read advice that I thought was wrong. Not everyone gives great advice.)

And that relates to your other point, about the pressure you are under since you are the 'great DBer'. Everyone getting advice has to remember to think for themselves. It's their responsibility to think about what the great DBer's say and use it in their own live's as they think is best for them. I get the feeling not everyone thinks for themselves. You can't be blamed for that, but maybe you should come with a warning label.

I know that there are a few people here who I follow too closely, and I have an emotional 'investment' in the outcome. What about you?

I've felt this, and it hurts knowing how little you can really help. I think we all have to remember our boundaries and what we really are responsible for; what you can control and what you can't. We do the best we can.

What do people here really need? Do they need someone who is emotionally invested in their sitch? I think they want that, but that's not what they need. They need those velvet covered 2x4's hitting them over the head telling them the basic truths, even when they don't want to hear it; GAL, PMA, take care of yourself, detach, it's not about you, let go of what you can't control, don't snoop, give them space... are there more? I guess they, we? need tough love.

Whatcha think?

[LoginName]

Hi Cat,
You posted on my thread and gave good advice, then not long after that you got hit with your second bomb (if my time line is right). And yet I see you are still posting and still giving good advice to others, while you struggle with your own sitch.

I share a lot of your feelings; waiting for my deadline when I'll ask when or if we'll be more than roommates/freinds, and if she can't make up her mind, to just let me go so I can get on with my life.

My feeling about your sitch, Cat, is that Now you've hit bottom, or rather he has, and Now maybe real progress can be made, IF you can wait. I don't think you have to wait, you've already waited a long time. But if you do, if you can, there is a chance it will turn out well. I think one of the truth's that we need to learn is that we need to be able to walk away and know we can survive it, and then for some reason we CHOOSE to stay and wait, until we can't any more.

I'm going to wait, and be patient, for a while, although every morning I have to choose to be patient all over again. Maybe tomorrow I'll stop, and move on. Maybe you will. Let's wait until tomorrow to decide.

It does get old, very old, sleeping separately. It would be easier really being 'alone' then the inbetween state.

OK, one more thing. We need to avoid feeling like we are the saints, that we are giving this gift to your spouse, because with that comes the feeling that they, or someone, OWES us. They should be grateful, damnit! We must fight that feeling. We CHOOSE to do this, for us. We can choose to leave. Yes, we do deserve a lot of credit. We are amazing people. But no one owes us anything.

I wish the best to you, and Amy, and Frank - and of course the best can mean any number of outcomes.

[LoginName]

OK, one more thing. Frank, I started reading your story. I started at kind of the end. I have a lot of reading to do, but it's painful to read (and I've just started). It's painful because it makes me think that my W and I could divorce too. It plants the thought, and I don't want that thought.

My C has told me that I have been the best example of unconditional love and patience he has seen. And yet, as he told me, it may not keep my M together. She is working her demons out and all I can do is support, give her space, and wait. From the little I've read of your sitch, sounds like you've been there.

In a real sense, it's not about us, or what we do or don't do. It's there journey, and we were lucky enough to get to go on the ride.

I'll read more. give me time. I can be suggestable. When a friend offered the opinion that my W was still seeing the OM, it sent me back. I know that the OM doesn't matter. I know I'm happier not worrying about that. But I couldn't help worrying once my freind said it. Reading your sitch will give me lots to worry about, I fear. I'll have to prepare myself.

I hope your doing well.

[cat03]

the feeling that they, or someone, OWES us. They should be grateful, damnit! We must fight that feeling. We CHOOSE to do this, for us. We can choose to leave.

You've truly spoken as someone who's walking in my shoes. Sadly, I had a bad R talk in which I accused my H of just taking and taking and not giving an iota. I could slap myself. Worst of all, had just read about GIVING and not GIVING IN, just what you are talking about, that we should give freely and not out of guilt or because we are expecting something in return.

Yea, I wanted my H to be gratefull for all "i've done and forgave", I wanted a freaking medal (from a person that right now doesn't even like himself)... for the forgiveness that was God's to give me to give my H.
Women are like waves, and from time to time we hit rock bottom, well, I hit wayyy rock bottom last night. I had told him--during our last and only MC session 2mts ago--that I would have 0 expectations so we can start afresh as friends, and there I was, spouting that I get no affection. GEEEEEEEEZZZZZ!!!

Yea, every morning I do have to choose to be patient... all over again. Let's wait 'til tomorrow indeed.

Thanks so much for your advice, I'm on the receiving end right now, need to go over my DB Cliff notes to remember my pathway.

sorry for the hijack Frank

[COG]

AmyC,

Hell I decided last night not to even start a new thread!

Okay now it's going to be even more difficult to find you if you do that. It's your sense of humor that makes your threads burn up like wildfire. All those one liner posts. That's my pet pieve, I'm all business, no time for BS.

I think the best help I can give people is just to share my journey, from the pit of hell and back to sanity. When I hear someone post about being down, beat up, backsliding, I can relate, I've been through it, and things are good again. It would'nt have mattered if my W had come back or not, I was moving forward, healing, and had a destiny with success no matter what.

I'll tell you why I keep with you AmyC, it's because you're a fighter. You're fighting the good fight. Yes you're down, and tired, that's understood. But you've been fighting like most people only dream about. I admire your spiritual strength, your courage to look at yourself and change. I figure that anyone who'd fight that hard, deserves what little support I can offer. I also promised God that if He saved me from the darkness, that I would do what I could to help others through.

I started with DB in March of 04. I was in bad shape back then. Desparate, tired, and frustrated. It was a long time before I felt like I could help anyone, I just felt needy all the time. But the longer I listened, the more I had to share.

I'd like to see you start your next thread, because although it gets frustrating here sometimes, there's always a lesson to be learned. For example, I don't know which thread it was on, but that link to the Godtube skit was unbelievable. I sent it to everyone on my email list, and it's spreading around my friends and family. Godtube thing

You have a lot of friends here AmyC, and I for one do not expect you to be someone that you are not. So just be YOU, and keep in touch.

Love,

COG

PS Thanks for the hijack Frank. Just so ya know, I've been reading David's daily emails, and I'm part way through his book. It has helped my sitch, mostly my outlook quite alot.

Take Care!

[cat03]

COG, I could not thank you enough for that wonderful skit you posted, I've watched it a few times and it made me cry, it reminded me that this battle is God's, if I let Him.

If you haven't, please check it out

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

[COG]

Cat,

You're welcome. It's very symbolic. My favorite part is when the girl realizes what she needs to do. She stands, and moves towards her God, but satan is not about to give up without a fight. Her demons hold her back, and pull at her. So she's outnumbered, and outsized, but she charges them anyway, flinging herself at them, fighting and scratching. The audience goes wild! Behind the group of demons is her God, tugging on the lifeline. She fights and fights, He pulls and pulls. And then, when she has nothing left, He takes over, the audience goes wild again, and the battle is won.

Courage, strength and faith.

Love,

COG