I think war is a pretty good description, lwb. I do get what you mean. just makes me think about it on all levels I guess.
hi, sue! yeah, I hang out here. my first ever post was over on infidelity, but somehow I ended up here, and have stayed, rather than post in both places. sometimes I think I should resurrect my old thread for specific infidelity questions and such. maybe someday, but for now, this is home.
no worries about not finding me...you are sweet to have made the journey
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
My mother has told me that my H is so insecure about losing his OW that he "babysits her" all night long. Even while he was at work, he checked in on her. even when she was at work, he checked in on her. That is because it is not a R of trust or faith or anything good.
Sending her flowers, that is a different behavior than he showed with you. That is a reason they have affairs, so they can be different.
I see this with my H too. An A is an obsession based on lies and deceit. Nothing about it is bassed on anything healthy or of substance. It is illusion. Do they believe it is real? Yes. Does it look real to us? Yes. However, they are not and can not last. I believe I read only 3% result in life long marriages. Those are really small odds. These R's w/OW will not last. It is just a matter of time. The question continues to be, are we willing to wait it out. Will we still want our spouses when they are done? Can we maintain good enough R's w/ them so that, when the A does crumble, we are the ones they come running too? I know. It makes us sound like left overas, but that is illusiion too. We are the real deals. We are better than the OP. Trust me, we are.
I have also read that an A allows the cheating spouse to express a part of themselves that felt they could not express in the primary R. It is important to find a way to allow that expression within the primary R.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
