Please, stop focusing on things that you cannot control!!!!
You can't control what he tells her. You can't control what he doesn't tell her. You can't control when he sees her. You can't control what they do together.
Focus on the only thing that you can control: YOU
Mark, This is so true. We all need to heed this advice. We have to realize that something will happen one way or the other. It may be good or it may be bad, but it will happen no matter what we do.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Saffie, Can you read this email thread between my wife and I and tell me if I messed up?
WIFE: My day is crappy as always, just depressed. Maybe I'm the one who needs to see a doctor and be on medication because I'm so messed up in the head. I don't know what I want anymore, don't know how my life is going to turn out, and its just all messed up. ME: I'm sorry you are feeling depressed every day. I don't like to see you hurting. You have to be careful with medication because they all work different on different people. Do you feel overwhelmed or confused? There is just so much going on I understand what you are going through. You know if you need to talk, I'm here for you. WIFE: I appreciate you wanting to be here for me to talk, but you can't handle all that I'm going through with all you are trying to deal with. My stuff is my problem, not yours. Thanks though ME: Being there for you for you to talk about things makes it easier to handle all the stuff I'm dealing with. I realize your stuff is your own problem, but that's what friends are for. They help you through things. And even if all you can be right now with me is only friends, I want to be there for you without expecting more than that. I just want to be there because I care. WIFE: thanks, but the stuff that bothers me will only hurt you more. I just can't do that anymore. ME:I appreciate your worry about my feelings. But you need to know that my concern for you and how you are hurting is more important to me than anything I am going through. No one likes to see someone they care about struggling and that's why I offer my support. But if feel it will be too hurtful I understand WIFE: ok, I'm getting ready to get out of here. Ryan can stay with you tonight, I just need some time alone.
I don't know you W so I don't know how to interact with her - YOU do. You showed her you were there for her. Don't push again to get the details tho'. If she wants to tell you she will.
Just don't be too available to her. Let her work these things out and you look after you.
I'd try and make sure she does stay alone as well and doesn't use you as a comfort blanket. NO TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE!!
How do you feel after that exchange? saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I felt ok after the exchange but now I question if it seemed like I was bugging her too much. Reading it again it doesn't seem like I was asking for details, I hope it just came across as being genuine and concerned, which I am. That's why I wanted someone else to read it to see if it seemed to pushy
You are obviously close and familiar and that's your style.
You are starting to seem more settled. Good for you. That doesn't mean you accept the situation, it means though that you can work on you and start to look at things more objectively
Big clap on the back!!!
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I THINK I MISSED A BIG SIGN :-( Tonight when my wife came over to drop our son off, she was extremely depressed looking and sad. It looked like she had been crying. I asked her if everything was ok, she said she doesn't want to live by herself in the apartment anymore and didn't know what to do. I just kind of rubbed her shoulder and said it would be ok. She drove off and I could kill myself for not telling her to just come home. Should I have been the one to say it in this situation or does she still have to be the one to say it?
Mark is right. She knows. I know you feel so bad she is hurting, but she has got to go through all of these emotions on her own, to find her way back to you.
GISH. You did not miss a big opportunity here. She knows you want her back. She needs to ask when she is ready. Otherwise she will come back too soon and this could happen again. She needs this, to feel bad, for two reasons. The first is that you want her to remember these feelings so she doesn't do this to you again - so that she appreciares you when she does return. The second is that she should feel bad about this. She needs to work through this and get to a point where she understands it and then can forgive herself. It's not just about you forgiving her - she needs to be able to do that aswell. She has not reached anywhere near that stage; she is still at the beating herself up about it stage. She has to move on from here.
I know you want her back but take it slow and steady. Also expect that if she does come back you may start to feel cross then at what she has put you through. Try and address this as much as you can now but these will be stages you have to work through later. Her return will by know means be the end of working on your R - it will be the start of a different, better one.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thank you everyone. I had a major meltdown this morning though. I cried hysterically just thinking about my wife still loving that OM. I thought I was doing better but I felt like I wanted to just die because sometimes I don't know how much more pain I can take before I just break. Being there for my wife and my son though keeps me going until I can become stronger and better for myself. My wife told me one of our couple friends, suggested going out on a double date with a widowed friend of theirs but my wife declined (Our friends think her OM is an ass by the way but I don't know why they mentioned a 2nd person instead of mentioning me)My wife said to not be mad at them because she said they said it without thinking. Maybe that comment set my crying spell off, I don't know. My wife's sexy underwear came yesterday and know of course I am just crazy with jealously thinking the OM will be the one to see her in them :-( SOrry for ranting, I'm just so depressed again
