looking back over the past year I know I didn't always do the "right" things...I let my pain and anger guide me...I let my confusion guide me...I let my selfishness guide me...
I had good days and bad as we all do..I had strong days and weak ones..I had days when I could overcome the fear and anger and hurt and stand strong and truly be the woman I wanted to be..and there were days when I acted on impulse and anger...for those days I am ashamed...but know that I cannot condem myself for it...we are all human after all.
there are things that I did along my journey that are a dissapointment to me...I wish that I could share this dissapointment in myself with h...but feel there is no need at this time..as he may add it to his own dissapointment in himself.
what did I do right...
accepted my part in the downfall of r (that was hard hard hard to do)
accepted that though I thought I was trying after disclosure of ea ow...I was not..I was holding on to it and treating it as a crisis and avoiding dealing with OUR issues. (hard to do...ow became a new problem for me)
tried to understand h's feelings (still have a hard time with that one sometimes)
started living my life for me again
stopped trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. (still hard on some days and with some people)
stopped taking everything so personally (still have a hard time with that on some days and not just with h, despite LL's tough tone she is probably one of the most sensative people you'll ever meet)
started attending church once again (though have not kept up with it since h's homecomming)
started using a softer tone with others became more active and less re-active
learned that I have no control over anybody but myself.
what did I do wrong...
blamed h for more than his share
talked to too many people about sit
called ow too much ( but then it does let me know her a bit and understand her)
said and did alot of things in anger...
spent time with other men (and that I greatly regret now and don't totally know why)
spent too much time trying to figure h out once I thought I had figure myself out instead of paying more attention to myself.
I don't know why I'm taking the time now to list all these things out...just that I'm feeling confused lately and I don't know why..I'm happy that h has come home...but I don't feel that we each as individuals are done learning whatever lessons we were supposed to learn.
I don't want h to leave again and don't think he needs to either...I just don't know how we are going to make this journey a pleasureable and rewarding one for each of us.
the other night with our chinese food we got fortunes and damn they were so fitting I wish I save them...I will to the best I can to paraphrase..
mine..once you decide what you want...open your eyes and see that you already have it.
h's...no one can decide for you what you want....
hmmmmmmmmm berry interesting!! (I feel like h is looking to c to be told whether or not he should be here or wants to be here) ( I am never sure if I am happy with what I've got or not)
I know these things are hokey...but they can be manipulated to fit the sit..and how ironic that we should each get fortunes like these.
anyway...still work to be done...but I think we are getting somewhere...h still being the good h..still getting hugs and greeting and leaving kisses that are more than the pecks I used to get!!
