Now what? Wait it out?

[LL44]

What a horrible thing to read. I am so sorry you found that. My H is/was the pursuer in the A that he had with a married woman. I take that back, she pursued him at first, and now he can't let go. UGH

Its so hard to live this, every day, time drags on. But we have to ride it out, visit here, do things to distract ourselves and look at the big picture.

You aren't ready for it to end, so honestly (like me) there is nothing you can do but wait. No pressure, no pursuing, and space in between you guys. But be a loving friend, not distant.

Hope you feel better.

[Tara_9]

Thanks for your input--sometimes it seems like all hope is lost, and I appreciate the encouragement. The deeper she gets involved with the OP the further away she falls from me.
Sorry you're going through this as well. Why can't people just see things through and work out problems instead of running?

[Tara_9]

Loving but not distant is a good way to put it, lwb. I had a car accident today, and posted a status update on my facebook page alluding to it. Within seconds my partner was calling...and when I went on facebook it was clear how she knew so quickly--she was at the OP's home because the "friends online now" page had the OP's ugly mug there. So she was over there, they discussed me, and my partner called from there with the OP's blessing. I told her I appreciated the call, while all the while I could hear the OP plodding around in the background. Does anyone else's spouse call them in front of the OP, or is this a sign that she really doesn't consider me any kind of threat? My partner wanted to let her know if I needed her to come and take out the dogs (uh...no...are you still sleeping with the OP?) and I had to end the conversation because I couldn't stand knowing that she was talking to me in front of the OP--how secure the OP must feel to do that. It seems to not bode well for me....

How is it that your husband can't let go? Is the OW stringing him along or has she cut it off completely and he's pining? I guess the ideal situation for everyone here is that our spouses do the ending of the A, but I get the feeling it's usually the other way around. Well, I guess when our spouses get cut off from their "drug", they go through withdrawal before realizing what made them feel so "good" was really just so bad for them in every other way. I hope your H realizes what he has with you sooner rather than later.

[Tara_9]

lwb??

[LL44]

Hi. Thank you so much for responding.

I am so very sorry about your accident. Are you ok? Still shaken up a bit, I am sure. I am glad OP contacted you to see if you were ok or needed help. And to answer your question, I am sure my H took calls in front of OW. See, I was BLIND this summer, and had no clue they were together as much as they were, so I called him as much as I wanted, and he always answered the phone. I have no idea if he stayed in the same room with her or not, but she was there. Gross. Blecky. I can just see my H rolling his eyes at OW as if to say "Its *her* again".

How is it that your husband can't let go? Is the OW stringing him along or has she cut it off completely and he's pining?

I have no idea why he won't let go. He says he wasn't in love with her, but I am not stupid, there were a TON of emotions involved. And those type of feelings don't end quickly. OW ended contact with him at least 2 weeks ago, won't take his calls at all (mind you, this is how much I know, who knows what is going on behind my back). My H said she never ended it, just stopped taking his calls. He claims he wants to talk to her, see how she is, etc. He misses their friendship, he says. Well, I told him if he stays with me, he cannot have her friendship anymore, since he crossed the line with her.

And yes, I wish he would have ended it, although I don't know how I would handle it if OW kept contacting him as my H is doing to her. He is giving every right to her H to kick his hiney.

I am sorry you are in so much pain. You are really handling it well, at least towards the OP, and that is the most important. Fake it til we make it.

Have a great night.

[Tara_9]

Well, two weeks would still have him in "withdrawal" mode. I guess it would take longer than that when you stop "cold turkey".

Thanks for your thoughts re: my accident. Still sore, but it was almost welcome to have a change in focus from the pain in my soul to a simple pain in the neck!

I had to let my partner know about our best friends' dog (she may have had to be put down yesterday). I texted her to say that was possible. When I finally found out that the dog was was not going to be put to sleep and that it was a treatable thing, I texted back to give her the news and said I was going to go give our dogs a hug. She texted back asking me to "give them a hug from me too. I miss them". I said I always do, and that they miss her too. I had to press "send" quickly before I followed that with a "I guess we all make choices and you have to live with yours". Am I reading too much into it to think that she's starting to realize what she's left behind? She has not seen the dogs in over two weeks, but she saw me at a b-day party a week ago. Am I out of line to say she can't see any of us as long as she's seeing the OP?

[LL44]

She is definately thinking about things. That is wonderful. Confusion is better than shutting down completely.

Hope you are feeling better today.

[Tara_9]

Hi Lwb (and anyone else),

One day up and one day down. Last night I logged on to my facebook page and read the newsfeed that lets you know hat all your friends have done--she has sent countless things to the OP (you can send little gifts--but no one over 12 usually does so. I notice the OP sent nothing back, but that doesn't mean the OP didn't "thank" her in person). Our mechanic (!) has even weighed in, telling the mutual frien who referred us to him that we have broken up (I assume she told him last week when her car was there) and that she's with someone new and very happy.
I went and did something yesterday that I never thought I'd do--all part of my GAL--I went indoor rock wall climbing. I am terrified of heights, but I did it. And then I came home to see that. It seems that every step I take to GAL is another sign to her that she can get further away without guily. And while I don't want her with me out of guilt, I don't want her to think that being with someone else is OK. With each day she seems to be getting in deeper and deeper with the OP and no end seems in sight. When does this end? DOes it get worse before it gets better? She will have officially been with the OP 5 weeks tomorrow. I can't stand this. Some days feel really desperate, and this is one of them. My getting a life seems to tell her that I've moved on, am not interested in saving our relationship, and I give them my blessing. She didn't contact me at all yesterday--normally I get at least one text, and I wouldn't mind not getting one, but I realized it was because she was pouring all her energy on the OP.

[Tara_9]

So I got my texts (see above). Be careful what you wish for. Yesterday she was calling/texting urgently. She needed the camera and I wound up having a huge awful thing with her. I'm devastated. As she needed the camera, I went to drop it off to her. Then she proceeded to treat in the most cruel, callous way. I've never heard her speak to anyone like that. SHe said she was going to be mean, that she wanted half of everything, she accused me of holding her things hostage, essentially had an all out tantrum. I asked her how she could speak to me like that and she said she had to, or I wouldn't "get it". I told her I got it, that this is where she has to be now, and that I wasn't 5 years old and she didn't have to be so heartless. She said that with the OP is exactly where she wants to be and that's not changing. I told her that I didn't believe she could possibly be happy going from one thing to the next without ever having been alone, and she pitched another fit. When she asked if I'd read her letter in which she wanted to keep the digital camera, I asked had she not read my letter? She said because it was full of poison. Actually, it was verbatim what the OP had said to me and a mutual friend, but as I told my partner, she only sees and hears what she wants to at this point. I said I was keeping the camera and had no problem loaning it to her when she needed it. Then she turned venomous and threw it at me. She accused me of being vindictive and trying to control her life (because I said I couldn't have her in my home as long as the thing with the OP continues). A lot more was said, mostly by her, followed by my defending myself. We both had to go, but I called her to say I didn't appreciate her treating me like garbage when I'd run the camera out to her as a favour. I told her I deserved better than that after all I'd been with her through. She went on another tirade. I think she's really gone for good. SHe seems so out of control...
I haven't been able to stop crying. So again I ask--is all hope lost?

[lovelyolive]

All hope is never lost. No matter how bleak things seem. Adn, you are right, she is out of control. They are like drug addicts - especially at the beginning of an A - and you are trying to kill her high. So, she twists and turns everything so that it's seemingly your fault. If you aren't the bad one, then how can she excuse her behavior? Let it roll off and don't get sucked into her bitterness. You don't have to defend your behavior. You've done nothing wrong.

As for your GAL stuff, that really is for YOU not her.