muddled and angry: Puddle's sencond thread

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

I'm happy to hear from you and to know that the 2x4s you're getting haven't knocked you out completely.

As I procrastinate from cleaning my desk, I'm struck once again how odd of a duck your H is.

I'm beginning to wonder what this oddness says about me. When I used to say ILY to H he'd ask, "Why?" He was so down on himself. Finally one day I said to him, "Look, you criticize yourself constantly, talk about what a loser you are. What does that say about me? How much of an idiot would I have to be to love someone who were such a loser?" He took the point. And obviously has come a long way since then, but not as far as he'd like to think, I think. Now clean your desk.

Has he talked at all to you about this "new" person that he is?

This is a really good question. Surprisingly little. All he's told me is that he wants to feel connection with someone (that's inherently there, not with me, not one he has to work on), and that he wants to get up for work on time and start dressing like a grownup. His alarm went off at 6 this morning and he was still asleep when I got in the shower at 7. Not much headway there.

But from what he's told me and what I can see, he hasn't done any major soul-searching beyond the "connection" thing. He still seems largely morose and working all the time. Right now if I had to guess, I'd say he'd be one of those people who finds a "connection" and is later shocked that it didn't fix things. I don't see any sense that his happiness has to be an internal thing. He's still looking for that other to complete him, I think.

But again, he hasn't said a lot. Maybe I'll ask him what kind of person he'd like to be. Does that count as R talk?

If he's not told his parents, seems to me he's a bit ashamed/unsure of what he's doing, but that might be reading too much into things.

He's said he'd rather tell them when it's a done deal so they don't feel like they can/should jump in with advice. I think he wants my support, but I think what'll end up happening is he'll move out (with my support and disagreement) and tell them then. But honestly, he doesn't want to have to defend himself, especially to his wonderful father and his frighteningly outspoken stepmother.

He seems to want to know how you feel though, tell him if he asks.

Yeah, I guess that's what I'll do.

One thought just struck me, it's like your H feels trapped/needed by you and that makes him want to run.

Interesting thought. What makes you say that?

Do your best to stop giving him that impression and stop the chase (yeah, ironic me giving anyone that advice, I know).

I'll think more about it, but I don't feel like I'm chasing. Though perhaps just knowing that I don't want to separate feels like chasing to him. Maybe I'll focus more with him on the "I'll support you in doing whatever you need to do" aspect. Any other pointers?

Work on the separation with him. You can either go with it or fight it. Fighting it is going to make him want to run further faster. Be fair to yourself, but give him what he wants.

Maybe that's the advice right there. I've been reaching that point myself: even though talking separation and money feels very final and scary, I'm going to have to go there, and not kicking and screaming.

Keep taking care of yourself and making yourself more appealing. Make it hard for him to want to leave you.

It feels right now like it's shockingly easy. But thanks, I'll try. My BIL said the other day I'd be "snapped right up," but that idea is still sickening to me. Don't want to be snapped up.

I'm going to catch up on you in hte next few days and try to give you some real thoughts, but hope those will do for now

I appreciate it, Heim. I know you're in the thick of it yourself, but I'm grateful for your thoughts. Bunny hill, here we come!

Take care.