muddled and angry: Puddle's sencond thread

[Puddle]

Hey Nomo,

This one: winter event

Yeah, I guess it'll take time. Though if H is talking about moving out, it might behoove me to get my arse in gear.

[new_attitude]

Hi Puddle,

I just emailed Nomo's notes to you. I'm sure you'll find them helpful, I did.

I think you handled things well in your talk. He sounds like he is definitely in "alien mode" right now, so IMO, it would be best to avoid R talks at all costs.

I was reading a book last night, called "The Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Lerner, and I thought it might be a good read for you, given that you're trying to discover how to share more of yourself emotionally with H and others.

[Nomopo]

Hey T. Thanks for sending that.

Puddle,

In case I forgot to warn you, its a tearjerker. But mixed in there you will find the themes we hit with the kids. Good luck (in advance).

Nomo

[Puddle]

Ah, Jesus, Nomo, that was heartbreaking. It really is the worst thing ever, isn't it? Thanks for sharing that.

I'm happy to have read it in retrospect and to see how well you're doing now, not too very far down the line. Makes it feel like it's not the end of the world. I know it's not the end of the world for me, but like you said, it feels like the end of something precious for the kids, and they don't even know it. This just sucks.

[Nomopo]

Yes, You can and should take comfort in knowing that it gets easier. Not Necessarily easy, but at least easier. Time is the great healer.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

hey, I think you did fine on the convo. Note that it didn't end with you going your seperate ways to your bedrooms or something, you ended up having a decent rest of the evening.

Remember, this whole sharing your feelings is new for you, so it may be working in your favor. So don't be too hard on yourself. Would you have normally spoken to your H like that in the past? If not, then I think it was good. You were honest about your feelings, you didn't get enraged and started accusing or blaming. Now just remember don't do that all the time. keep those R talks
few and far between for the most part.

[Puddle]

Hey ST,

Would you have normally spoken to your H like that in the past? If not, then I think it was good. You were honest about your feelings, you didn't get enraged and started accusing or blaming.

I had to think about that one. I think the answer is no, I wouldn't have said to him clearly "I'm angry with you because..." I'm good at being angry and going silent, but less good at articulating calmly. Still working on the calmly part.

Since the talk, H has made himself pretty scarce when he's home. He's back to obviously feeling uncomfortable around me, not saying much, leaving as small a footprint on the house as possible (not eating here, hanging out out front instead of in the backyard with me).

Last night for the first time in weeks he's stayed home on his "night off" (from me and the kids). I went to sleep with the kids, so we didn't interact at all anyway. The other night he stayed out until 5, I think.

I have no idea what all this is about. It just feels like we're back to where we were a few weeks ago. I've got less of a focus on H right now---a huge relief---and he's feeling however he's feeling. I'm cheery and friendly, looking him in the eye, and he's looking skittish.

Now just remember don't do that all the time. keep those R talks few and far between for the most part.

Indeed. And his standoffishness makes me think there's another one brewing. We didn't clarify anything, and I'm pretty sure he's itching to move out.

His parents are in town next week, which promises to be awkward for H (he hasn't told them what's going on).

Thanks everyone. Take care.

[Puddle]

Just got an email from H saying he thinks he's sick. I said sorry to hear that; can I do anything for you? His response: "Nothing beyond us talking more." I said happy to; how about tomorrow evening?

Wow, all of his behavior says "Give me space." I must be totally misreading him, and it makes me wonder where else I am. I wonder if he means having Talks with a capital T as opposed to just talking, which is what he seems to be avoiding.

I hate having to guess. Note to self: State clearly what you want.

If behavior says one thing and words don't say anything, how do you know what to do???

Late reply from H: "You giving me space? that's funny. Here I thought I was giving you space.....A few things you said on Fri bugged me, and I am working on articulating my thoughts.
I also had the impression that you are not ready to talk yet. Hence me laying off any further discussion....I do hope you
understand that I truly mean it when I say I want to make the best of this, I want to work this with you, not against you..."

Ugh. Can't wait to hear what "bugged" him, though I bet I know.

I think he must mean I'm not ready to talk turkey. I guess it's time to bite the bullet and go through those motions, despite the fact that it's not what I want. What do you all think?

[Puddle]

When he says "I want to work this with you, not against you, and when in doubt, I'd lean toward doing what's better for you over my personal interests" I want to say that's hard to get my mind around, considering what he means is since he won't act in my/our family's best interest (i.e., stay together) he wants to do the next best thing.

Any DB version of that one that anyone can think of?

[Heimlich]

Puddle,

As I procrastinate from cleaning my desk, I'm struck once again how odd of a duck your H is.

Has he talked at all to you about this "new" person that he is? (forgive me, I'm not 100% up on your sitch at the moment). I mean, the man seems to want to talk. I don't know what the line between too much and not enough is, but you seem to be doing OK at trying to walk it.

If he's not told his parents, seems to me he's a bit ashamed/unsure of what he's doing, but that might be reading too much into things.

My best guess is to keep opening up to him, because that is new for you, but stop talking about the marriage. He knows you want to stay married, belaboring that point is as counterproductive for you as it is for me. He seems to want to know how you feel though, tell him if he asks.

One thought just struck me, it's like your H feels trapped/needed by you and that makes him want to run. Do your best to stop giving him that impression and stop the chase (yeah, ironic me giving anyone that advice, I know). Jui jitsu. Agree with him, to the extent that you can. He's set on working on this amicably. OK, fine. Work on the separation with him. You can either go with it or fight it. Fighting it is going to make him want to run further faster. Be fair to yourself, but give him what he wants. Keep taking care of yourself and making yourself more appealing. Make it hard for him to want to leave you.

I'm going to catch up on you in hte next few days and try to give you some real thoughts, but hope those will do for now

BD