WAW1978-Part 5

[Heimlich]

ROTFL.

It's just the brayings of a donkey.

[PMA_Baby!]

Yeah I can definitely relate to that attitude. I think it's just there guilt talking.

Hey guys. Any chance you could take a minute and look over my latest post from yesterday. I really value what you all think. Sorry for the hijack WAW. I especially like to get a womens perspective on my w's thinking.



http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1217438

thanks Broken

[waw1978]

I just replied on your thread.

[waw1978]

Okay so H just called to tell me he scheduled an MC appt for this Sat. He wants to talk about D and how to explain to D4 in more detail. He said it was so we could be civil and have a 3rd party present to keep from an explosive agrument. Not to continue the sessions.

Give me some strength here folks. Even with all of his faults I love this man. I only did what I thought necessary to keep my sanity and save what we had left of our M. I have told him many times what I need to come back home. I need him to go to IC and workout why he needs to treat me so badly and why he doesn't want a physical relationship with me.

Help me out here. I know I got this ball rolling but I can't scamper back home to the same situation. I am not even sure he would want that at this point. I am thinking I should call the MC ahead of time and see if he can help get H on board with continuing to work on the M.

I know a lot of you had gone through this stage with your WAW. What helped you see that it was worth while after you had sort of given up?

[Heimlich]

What helped you see that it was worth while after you had sort of given up?

Even with all of his faults I love this man.

There you go.

As you know, you can't force him back to the table and if he won't confront the real deep R issues that you have, you have no choice but to NOT go back. However, talking about your D so that you can stay civil is definately a worthwhile goal. Also think it's worth a shot to call the MC and get that perspective as well.

BD

[PMA_Baby!]

Hi waw - All you can say at this point is that "I dont want this D but if this is what you want then I wont stay in your way." Filing for D is just the begining you can drag it out for months.
Which obviously buys you time to show change. Just listen, validate and you'll be fine. I wouldn't suggest talking to the C before. H will feel your ganging up on him then will back away from C all together.

Just try to offer support for his sitch. I have got to the point where I will validate her feelings by saying things like "yeah it must have been really difficult putting up with me. I know it wasnt easy living with me sometimes. I wasnt always the best wife, etc. Sometimes he will defend you. And take some of the blame as well.

Good Luck. B

[Not Much Left]

Hey
Question for the group


Do we really think that focusing on and rehashing the past in our Rs will help fix the R going forward? We all have recognized the past but are focused on the future. What I am saying is I hear a lot about R talks and talking about what happened, too much I think and not just saying "ya know what, I can't change the past" everyone wants to agonizingly rehash the past to figure out "how this happened". Most of us pretty much know what WE did wrong, do we really need to talk it out? Blah, blah, Blah

[Heimlich]

One of the best things I got out of Mort Fertel's stuff is just that -- focusing on how you got to where you are is kindof counterproductive. Focus on fostering positive emotions and interactions, fake it until you make it, and a lot of times if you get back together, you'll find you won't need to dredge up the past. That's not to say that you don't need to focus on correcting/overcoming negative behavioral patterns that got you where you are, just that, while your R is hanging by a thread, might not be the best idea to focus on those things.

BD

[Nomopo]

Ditto what H said.

[waw1978]

I agree with all of you. Rehashing does not solve anything. Coming up with new solutions to build on are R's is def more productive.