There and Back, #7

[S_O_T_S]

Hello again morgan.

Did you ever pick a color for you? I respond to requests. Spartan green is the only one that's reserved.

okay, breaking down again. really wallowing right now. big old pity party.

Nothing wrong with this, as long as you have it and then let go of it without letting it drag you into a whirlpool of depression.

I was talking to a friend who said I should get something nice for myself for my anniversary.

This is not such a bad idea, but I would make it something that's not..... anniversary-like, so as not to remind you.

I started playing around online...checked out a favorite local florists website, thinking, would I really send myself flowers or something like that (yeah, I'm one of those women who love getting flowers).

So this isn't necessarily bad, but you've very quickly done...

when I just started crying. He sent her 2 dozen roses for her birthday this past june. 2 dozen. nearly $200 worth of roses for her birthday.

this. Which is to put the focus back on him, what he's doing, done or hasn't done.

she must be something. at least something to him.

Well, presumably, she's an illusion who is temporarily everything you aren't in his eyes.

Doesn't really matter, though. What can you do to distract yourself? What came out of your last IC session? Anything productive you can use?

You ever do the trick of setting the timer so you can have a defined endpoint to your pity party?

he just e-mailed me that he opened a new credit card for work. his new company doesn't have a corporate card, so he will have to use his own and get reimbursed for expenses, and he figures opening the new card will keep it all nice and tidy and separate for him. he told me he'd pay it, just stick the bill with his mail when it comes.

all I can think is he's using it for things for her. I'm sure he has a nice order already standing for their anniversary...think its next week, not completely sure of the date.

Of course, there's the whole whiskey bottle thing...

Or perhaps I'll try something else.

If you're right, does this change anything?

I will not call the florist. I will not do any of this. it will only bite me in the ass.

You're probably right. Sometimes knowing too much is torture. Other times it's exactly what's needed. Seems like the former for you.

none of it matters, anyway. he is with her. he is with her. he is with her. I need to keep telling myself that over and over.

I can't agree with you here.

What's true is that he's not with you. And that may or may not persist. She's largely irrelevant here, except for the fact that she's distracting him.

But the most important thing here is you. And you getting to a state where you start to hurt a little less.

Can't remember if I ever put this out there, but remember that you can measure your progress in healing by looking at:

The frequency of your hurting times getting less
The intensity of your hurting times getting less
The duration of your hurting times getting shorter

for some reason the fact that I'm even hurt/care about what he is doing for her is just ridiculous, and shows just how attached I still am.

OK. You're right. What's the plan for getting more detached.

I wrote that in my last post and you didn't reply.

What does is look like when you're being more detached?

What can you do to notice your progress to becoming more detached?

What are the very first steps you can take toward becoming more detached?

How about...

I'm going to start keeping track of my mis-steps and really assess my progress over time?

I'm going to set a defined time limit to allow myself to process my feelings at times like this?

I'm going to go for a walk/play with kids/workout/buy new boots to distract myself...

Anything else?

Hope you feel better; I must say, I'm cringing for you right now.... I remember all too well what you're feeling.

((((((((((((morgan)))))))))))))