Gave H a card, a simple one that told him I love him. I do not tell him as I don't want him to feel he has to reply. He hasn't told me first since May when I confronted him with the Ow's phone #. H said thank-you and told me he loved me too. I asked him if he really felt that and he said yes. Through the convo on the card I did tell him that is why I gave him a card so he didn't feel that he had to tell me if he didn't feel it.
Here goes! He said he was sorry he does still feel disconnected and is having a hard time trying to reconnect.(His words) He has connected with everyone else I can see it. I know he is trying to with me, But apparently not working as well as he would like. I told him Im'e tired and I want him to be happy but, that i want to be happy also that maybe we should separate. He said he didn't want that.( i gave him the out and he didn't want it, But I was ready for it). He said he does not have feelings for OW any longer(which I don't believe).
He said he did ask OW the other day after my last phone call if she had any Idea who was calling and she told him no. She then asked him if i would like her to call and talk to me about this and he said no. I don't think anything much was going on on her part other than maybe using H to get work done on her house, so maybe her intentions are sincere.
I know they say that the W is the last to reconnect with. I am hoping when he does it is with me. But i also don't know how much longer I can do this before i say im'e done and moving on.
I do know that if he does come around and does reconnect that it will be a much better M than it ever was, because just ibn his trying he has been so much better. Just don't know how much longer I can wait for that. JUST SO TIRED. I did not feel that it was a good time to tell him what i want out of the M and i really don't think i will need to once he comes out of this, I think he will already know.
I need to detach more yet again and make him wonder what he could be missing even more. the stage has been set for more of that.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 10/02/0701:16 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, It sounds like it was reality-check time for your H. If you are having trouble hanging in there with the M, then it's better that he is forewarned.
I hope this serves as a wake-up call for him. He needs to make a commitment to truly being a H, rather than one you're supposed to tolerate. You deserve to feel connected in this marriage.
Marriage is about connection, and he and I and all men with marital problems need to understand that and work very hard at it. My guess is that men with stable, happy marriages have figured this out, somewhere along the way. If a man is not willing to work on connection, than he shouldn't be married.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
do you think that saying maybe we should separate is forwarned?
Being the optimist that I am I really didn't expect him to say he was haveing trouble reconnecting. As I said he has been so much more attentive.
It did upset me(didn't let h know it) that he talked to OW about the phone calls but, when I thought about it, I guess he was probobly trying to help put that behind us.
I told him I want him to be happy but that I deserve to also. That was after I mentioned Separating.
Did I mention that he got clingy again after we got home from visiting his Dad?
I sometimes wonder if the stress with his Parents have at least a little to do with him not being able to reconnect in the M.
I guess I should be happy with the fact that he recognises what he needs to work on, as I think a lot of MLC'ers don't.
I really do think it will work out but, if it doesn't it is his loss.
He did by the way let me ask what i wanted with no problems and answered everything.To me that is at least a start.
Mean time GAL
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, What's going on? Are you tired of being lonely in the M? Do you want more connection? Are you still upset about the OW? Do you feel like he's not trying? You can't stay in this M as it is?
You're always mentioning positives, so I was suprised to hear you thinking about separation, and taking off your ring.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I am a positive person always have been.( db thing always look for positives).
The thing is even with the positive things I do see, this is getting tiring. To hear him say he still feels diconnected with the progress that has been made sent me for a loop.
I need to get things back into perspective.
YES i am tired of being lonley in the M, and I do want more connection,and I deserve it.
I don't care about OW anymore, just think it's wierd he asked her about the calls. I think it was more his EA than her.
I don't want the M the way it is, although I will settle for what we have now for a while longer and see how things go. I need to feel loved and wanted . Right now I see him trying but I also see it not coming all that easy. I feel he thinks he is doing a good job of hiding the strain but, it shows as he was just such a wonderful person before this.
I know I can stay longer for now becuase he is trying and i won't give up either. I just don't know how much longer I can endure the uncertainty in the M. I guess im'e looking for peace.
Does any of htis make sence or does it sound like my menopause acting up?
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I can relate to you so much - my H has been home and trying too for 3 1/2 mos - I have forgiven him and love him so much I am afraid to get hurt again. He cannot say ILY and he keeps saying he's trying - like it's so hard for him to reconnect. I think he still is not over OW even though he knew it'd never work with her. H sometimes seems like he questions his decision to come back to me - this may be more of my fears...
I know what you mean though- I don't want to be his 2nd choice and I don't want to settle for a loveless (or one-sided love from me) M. I deserve to be loved as fully as I am willing to give love... My H wants to try the Retrouville (SP?) and I will sign us up for a session at the end of the month...I hope this helps us. Will your H consider it? I've heard very good things about the program...
Hang in there I think these WASs need a lot of time to get their heads on straight once they come out of the fog. This affair time period is only a blip in the screen in terms of your lives together - it's not worth throwing it all away (at least so far for me...)
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
