NOT really interested in fcuking you but just looking to feel good about himself-- THAT can be a turn off.
Yup, that's the feeling I mean. Now this may not be accurate, because I am viewing him with a negative filter, built up from all the problems. He did say in a TM something about wanting to be close to my naked body. So my goal is to keep a clear lens and try my best to see things as they are...and report back here,lol.
RJ, I agree with MJ .... of course you know him best, but the "buff comment" struck me also as something that *could* have been an attempted come-on tease, rather than a straight up fish for validation. I like the suggested responses.
Of course, I don't know much about your sitch, being of recent vintage. But this got my attention:
Originally Posted By: RealJourney
As far as activities, I feel I have an interesting life, but I tend to take one activity at a time and focus on it intently, where my H makes my head spin in circles. Right now I am starting up a biz with my psychologist college friend and it's quite exciting. I guess I view his distraction as immature, and I also have to deal with this trait in my son.
I can well understand why this could be irritating to live with ... but I'm hearing (perhaps wrongly) an element of "Why can't he just be a grown-up, and do it the right way, like me?" I'm sure you know how that kind of pigeonholing/expectation is doomed to disappointment, as he is clearly not "just like you" in personality and never will be.
It sounds like you know you are struggling with some heavy-duty negative filters where he is concerned and for all I know he has earned every one of them. But you both want your marriage to succeed, so I think you may need to really focus on questioning most, if not all, of your assumptions about his behavior and manner.
As far as the sex goes .... not easy when they just *aren't* what you want, for any variety of reasons. The only suggestion I can think of (apart from keeping up on MJ's playful banter) is to try to put yourself into a somewhat predatory mindset if poss. If you are wanting/waiting to be seduced, and they just aren't pushing your buttons for whatever reason .... you can't BE seduced. You CAN be the seductress ... or better yet, the tigress. Take what you want. Snarl.
Well, that rambled a bit ....
I hope the alone time has been a bit of a break, to help you get your feathers unruffled. We need those from time to time.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Kett, You are right that I do get frustrated/disappointed in my H for what I consider ADDH type behavior, while he feels the same way about me for depressive/introvertive behavior. Too bad our kids didn't get the best of both of us; instead one is like him, and one is like me.
Coming here and journaling really makes me see how much negativity I am carrying. I know he is working on the marriage, more so than he has ever done in the past. I am going to do my best to look at him through a clean filter and try to see this as a new relationship.
As far as the sex goes, it is a good idea to get some more banter going on my part; you know, bring out my monkey, which is sleeping somewhere in the corner. I did go from calling him a sugar plum in a TM today to a sexy beast. We'll see how that goes over.
The break has been really nice. I am ready for him to come home now, to work on this again, and hopefully have some fun too.
The buff bod thing may not have struck the right cord in you because as an introvert you don't really like the whole "on display" kind of mentality that a comment like that implies. KWIM? You don't "get it" because it isn't something that you could picture saying about yourself. When you just don't really get something like that just reach down deep into your gut and bring up a little growl and say, "MMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm Hhhhhhmmmmmmmmm, I'm sure you're right" or a tease, "We'll just see about that big boy".
RJ, as serendipity would have it, I just found this while trolling through the archives. Something MJ said (surprise) that is exactly what I was *trying* to say only she said it much more succinctly:
"Besides it is actually easier in some ways to be assertive rather than responsive (as long as you have a reasonably responsive partner ) because you can do all the prep work to get yourself in the mood and/or aroused yourself."
Not banging on about this, just clarifying.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
RJ In a way, I (RJ) sort of feel unmarried right now Same here. Not all of the time but more often than several years ago.
It is good in one way. Now I can think of our R more from what I need to do and what BB needs/will or do. It lowers the fusion. I think it is working in a similar way for you.
Maybe (on my part anyway) this is an only-child thing .... but there is a vibe to being alone with yourself and content in your own company that you just can't get with someone else knocking around, even if they're not up in your face. It's not that you want to become a hermit or don't truly enjoy being in the company of others. That's apples and oranges. But you just can't fully get that communion with just yourself and God/the universe/nature/Jane Austen flicks/whatever unless you're BY yourself.
I grew up as an only child as well, so that could be part of it. But there was the part that was afraid to be myself around her and longed to be with someone that I wasn't afraid to be myself around. But that person didn't exist, so I was stuck. And since I felt like I was on the spot whenever I wasn't alone, I craved lots of time alone. There's a definite difference between these two parts, and at least one part is something we're all better off without.
Originally Posted By: Lillieperl
NOT really interested in fcuking you but just looking to feel good about himself-- THAT can be a turn off.
Or maybe he wants to have sex with her and feel good about himself as someone she wants to have sex with. Of course if he doesn't already see himself as someone she wants to have sex with, it'll fall flat. But if he does see himself as someone desirable and he's excited about showing it off for her, well, maybe he's still not quite "there" or maybe the filters are in the way.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
His part sounds to me like he's not so much looking for validation as excited about showing his stuff to you and confident that he's got plenty of it to show. I think you'll see that too as time goes on.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
