here's an update; thought we had a good counseling session last tue. I thought it was really good at the time, but we have had little progress this week. we have had less contact this week because she was busy with various events during the week and left for the weekend with friends. I took care of the kids this weekend and a lot during the week. we had planned on going out to dinner once a week, but it didn't work out this week. same problem we had in our marriage, we didn't put each other first. I have felt for a long time that her social calendar was much more important than us and it may be more important than her family. not sure how we are going to improve our R without much conversation or activity. she seems to be really withrawing and detaching. its making me very quiet around her. I am just going about my business around the house as best I can. she really confuses me. why is she here, why does she still wear WR, why is she primarily very nice to me, why does she continue to go to counseling...if shes "done"?
last night I got the "you're a great person, but I don't love you, its over" speech. said she cannot continue to live this way. currently we are sleeping in different rooms. says its too stressful to be in same house together. says shes really scared about what's upcoming because she thinks that if I don't get what I want, I can turn and be very evil. she also started crying and explaining a situation or event between us from 11 yrs ago that really hurt her. it had to do w her pregnancy. I didn't know this had hurt so bad. talk about resentment. she said there were additional events and she has felt this way for so long that there is no way she can change her feelings. I told her its never too late for anything. I asked her that we need to eventually talk about all these events that are boiling over. one thing that came up in counseling was the csr asked her if she could forgive me..."yes". maybe she really can't.
I asked her not to give up and thought she would be much happier trying to rebuild our m vs. heading into the unknown. I'm hoping shed rather put some effort towards rebuilding our M vs giving up and being miserable. it doesn't have to be like this. its frustrating because we totally get along. I think we just have to put each other first and spend some time together. I told her I know more about myself and her than I ever had. I think I know what she needs now and would like the opportunity to rebuild our R. I wish shed just give us a chance and let us both put out some effort towards this.
anyway, we have a csr session tonight. I'm going to definitely bring up the "forgive" thought again. I can't change what happened 11yrs ago. I'm sorry its been festering in her for so long. I have always loved her so much, but never told her or showed her very well. I wish we could end our old marriage and begin work on a new one.
I've read through your thread and I do see hope, but I think your doing some things that are putting pressure on her.
Don't plead or beg for an opportunity to rebuild your R. She already knows what you want and it's not what is important to her right now. I know it sounds unfair and cold, but your pressuring her for a response and that's why she pursues a social life more vigorously. She's running away so she doesn't have to think about it. Her friends offer her carefree fun, play, and acceptance. She doesn't have the burden of a hurting Husband and Kids to worry about when she's with them. She's in me, me, me mode right now.
Why don't you start to look at what you would enjoy doing when she's watching the kids. Don't obsess over her, get a life yourself. I know you said you were not the sociable type, so now is maybe the time to do a 180 in that area. Face and overcome any fears you might have with meeting new people. You might be surprised how much fun and interest you could inject into your own life. Take your focus off your W. Your trying to fix her and your marriage and it doesn't work that way. You have to let this play out on it's own as an observer and that's the hardest part to understand and do. Give up that control.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Thanks for the advice. I have tried my best to give her space. It's really hard to not ask for a chance when she says 'were done'. I guess it's really tough to be just an 'observer'. Somehow I know that if I 'detached' it would be best, but seems so risky. In my heart, I really dont believe this is what she truly wants. She seems very scared of it. I have told her it's up to her to figure her out. What's hard to understand for me, is how do you begin to repair if youre apart all the time? How can she realize changes in me if I'm not visible or if we dont talk? I know I have read it on here a thousand times that it happens. When its your own situation, its hard to comprehend. For some reason to me, I think if she tried, took the wall down a little, and had an open mind about us enjoying each other, it would turn quickly. Of course this is my opinion and you can see I am really struggling applying how she feels. It's hard to believe I guess.
We are still close as friends. I think this is the best chance for our survival. If we spent some time together and had a little fun/understanding, she could love me again rather quickly. But, I know she's not interested in that right now. She's so bent up that she has felt this way for so long, that it cant be right to be with me. It could have been awhile, but I bet it's much shorter than she'd admit.
Still sounds like you are pressuring too much. You sound like you are trying to use your logic to convince her to stick it out and work on things. Ain't gonna work. You are setting yourself back when you try this.
This will require much patience. For me, it took 3 months of solid effort before she backed off the stance of leaving even a little bit. Then one day out of the blue, my wife walked by, patted me on the butt and said, "Who knows, maybe it will all work out." Then, two more months of nothing appearing to change.
Again, listen, listen and listen some more. Try not to offer your opinions unless asked. Let her vent. Let her tell you about how you hurt her in the past. Likely she is going to purge more than once. I think this is good. She is talking to you. She is giving you information about what you did wrong and information about what you can do differently. Your job is to DO it differently, not TALK about how she should feel, how you feel or what you will do. Just DO it and she will notice. She might not believe you are for real or that your intentions are true for some time. You just have to suck it up and push forward. Forget about turning it around quickly. It could happen but that mindset will create pressure on both of you. Even if you don't say it, she will smell it. She will run to her friends even more.
I'm 10 months in and not out of the woods yet.
I have a friend who managed to save his marriage. He feels it took 2.5 years to get it all back together. This stuff totally sucks...and it takes time...and patience.
BTW, yes I seem to quote a lot from my life. The reason is that the way you seem to be dealing sounds a lot like how I did early on. Trying to help you avoid the same mistakes I made.
You have hope, we are with you.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Try not to answer. That sounds like a rhetorical statement not a question anyway. Try to avoid conversations where this comes up. I would probably answer with nothing more than, "You're a great person too."
Any statement that contradicts her will only make her start listing the reasons why you can't live together. Or maybe make her think, he has to argue with me even now! Let her talk. Most women complain their men don't listen. You listen, don't argue, debate or fix, listen. An attentive man is enough to throw most women for a loop.
Once upon a time it was easy between you two, yes? Occasionally, it probably still is easy. Sometimes you can make her laugh? What is happening then. What were you doing then? Try to think and operate in that mode and stay as far away from R talks as you can.
You might want to ask WAW1978 or Sandi2 to take a look at your thread. They could offer some female perspective from the other side of the fence.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I'm in your shoes. Listen to everyone about the pursuing. Stop, you'll drive your W away. If I had given my W the space she wanted earlier, I might be in piecing. Your W has heard you. She knows you want to save your M. Everytime you restate it to her, to use my W's metaphor, and I quote, "when you talk about us, it's like fingernails on a blackboard." Stop. Focus on you. Don't be like me.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
