Just checking in after a few days' absence. How are you and the family doing?
Bruce, thanks for being a real friend. Me and the 2 girls are doing fantastic! I finally feel relieved that I have stopped worrying about my MLC wife and I am doing everything possible to heal myself and GAL. My W responded to my D petition agreeing to move forward with the process. I am trying my best to delay the process and my L has been good so far. In the meantime, I think my W is with her OM everyday but has stopped exposing my girls to her OM since the D petition came with a strong letter from the L warning her of consequences of a court order to restrict that. I still feel good in filing for my D, not because I don't stand for my M, but that was my only option to protect the girls.
OBTW, W is getting rid of her fancy minivan that she had to have for the benfit of the kids a few years ago. She is shopping for a 2-door sporty coupe, preferably with a sunroof!
The girls take most of the time I have to myself and I really enjoy that. But I am taking deliberate steps in leaving home and doing fun stuff for myself. I will be out of town next few days on work, but this weekend I will be meeting a group for a photo shoot at wine festival up in the mountains. Life is great!
Originally Posted By: Bruce1
keep healing and developing yourself. One day you will look at your side and either see your spouse, or he/she will be so far behind you that at that point it won't matter.
thats an excellent quote that I will hold to forever. thank you! its amazing how much reading and self-reflection can make you a better person. I know you are in the same situation and when your W is stone cold, the best conversation you can have is with yourself. treat that inner person as your best buddy and treat him well in every respect. yes, I do have my ups and downs, but I honestly think that I have been able to get through this crisis thanks to a regular regimen of good diet, yoga, exercise, sleep and reading.
I also wanted to journal here that I have had terrible luck with MCs in my sitch. 2 years ago, my W (who was having multiple EAs then) and I both saw one MC recommended by her friend. He kept bringing up the past which was uncomfortable and not providing any hope to solving our problem. Recently, I saw another one, by myself. This MC supposedly has 30 years of experience. He managed to get my W to come for a counsel by herself. In my 2nd encounter with this MC, he pretty much threw up his hands on me and told me to move on, since my W indicated that she had already made up her mind about leaving me. I was shocked I have posted on this in detail on the 4060 forum. Someday I will initiate an online list of quack MCs in the family therapy business to avoid!
I get the best counsel here on this forum and in the books and tapes. No more MCs for me now. If I do, I will go straight to Michele since she is local.
Thanks for updating your situation; the parallels are remarkable, even down to the new car. Now, if your wife gets a Mini-Cooper it really will be scary how similar our situations are.
Seriously, I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. You are doing right by your kids, and working on the only thing you have control over--yourself.
I share your skepticism about MC. I've read too many places that a lot of them don't help, that often what happens is you air your pain with your spouse and you end up hating each other more. You just have a clearer idea of why you don't like each other! I like Michele's "solution" based approach. Focus on creating something new, something better, rather than the "analysis paralysis" that can easily come from living too much in the past. Live this moment instead--who are you right now? Who is she right now? Of course we can't and shouldn't forget the past, but we must not live in it. Somedays I worry that my wife is that type of person, and that if we attempt to create a new, better marriage she won't get past the hurt I've caused in the past. She has long been someone who carries past grudges and hurts as a source of power, or attempted power. But, maybe she is someone new too.
I've really come to accept that I can only work on myself, and right now I'm at peace. I still want to work things out with the wife, but until she says "I want a divorce" or "I want to try to create a new marriage," I'm just not going to worry. I'm making new friends, doing my reading, traveling, working. I'm focused on finding joy and meaning in each day, and recognzing that if I want joy I have to create it myself. Off to see my brother and his wife for the weekend, so I'll check back next week. Have fun yourself, and take care.
Thanks for updating your situation; the parallels are remarkable, even down to the new car. Now, if your wife gets a Mini-Cooper it really will be scary how similar our situations are.
Seriously, I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. You are doing right by your kids, and working on the only thing you have control over--yourself.
I share your skepticism about MC. I've read too many places that a lot of them don't help, that often what happens is you air your pain with your spouse and you end up hating each other more. You just have a clearer idea of why you don't like each other! I like Michele's "solution" based approach. Focus on creating something new, something better, rather than the "analysis paralysis" that can easily come from living too much in the past. Live this moment instead--who are you right now? Who is she right now? Of course we can't and shouldn't forget the past, but we must not live in it. Somedays I worry that my wife is that type of person, and that if we attempt to create a new, better marriage she won't get past the hurt I've caused in the past. She has long been someone who carries past grudges and hurts as a source of power, or attempted power. But, maybe she is someone new too.
I've really come to accept that I can only work on myself, and right now I'm at peace. I still want to work things out with the wife, but until she says "I want a divorce" or "I want to try to create a new marriage," I'm just not going to worry. I'm making new friends, doing my reading, traveling, working. I'm focused on finding joy and meaning in each day, and recognzing that if I want joy I have to create it myself. Off to see my brother and his wife for the weekend, so I'll check back next week. Have fun yourself, and take care.
Mini-cooper? now thats one heck of a MLC-mobile! I believe my W is looking for an Altima coupe. What difference does it make? 2 years ago, the sliding door of the minivans was a must-have. Now she hardly cares about how comfortable the kids are going to be in a 2-seater.
You are absolutely right. Its up to us if we want to live in the past and wallow in our pity or if we want to create the peace and happiness for ourselves instead. At the beginning of the sitch I was curious about what factors in the past led us to this position. I think its clinical and therapeutic to admit to your mistakes in the R, but you cannot expect your S to change and admit to their faults, especially if they are in MLC. You have to give yourself enough time to heal, put the past behind you and move forward with the life journey. I have really enjoyed the book "Mars and Venus: Starting Over" by John Gray, I am listening to the book on tape right now and it has helped to get over the emotions. I am at a point where I am at peace with myself, I feel detached from my W quite a bit and I am ready to remember my W for all the happy momemnts we shared together.
I do have one issue where I am in struggle with my inner self. This is about how to handle my ILs. I have had a good relationship with them throughout my M. They have been married for 49 years, live in a different part of the country and they are planning on their bi-annual visit here soon. But as you can imagine with the "blood being thicker than mud" in these type of sitchs, they have not condoned my W for her wayward behavior. I didn't expect them to, but what I did expect was to have them show some sympathy for what I am going through. All along they have been picking me apart for all the small things in the past that could have resulted in my W's behavior pattern. They are also referring to my W's multiple affairs in the last 2 years as a 'marriage problem', while I have rolled up my sleeves to work on our M after forgiving her. This is quite disturbing to me and a blow to my self-esteem beyond what I am already experiencing with my W. And add the fact that I am still of the opinion that my W's MLC behavior is attributed to my FIL's emotional detachment from my W during formative years, when he was so busy being away from home to build his business!
Long story short, I am struggling on whether to mainatin or cut off the friendly relationship I have with my ILs. I do not want to jeopardize my 2 DD's relationship with their grandparents by any means. But I am not getting clear direction from my subconscious on whether to go along or stand up against any people who supports my W's infidelity and adultery. Its a toughy, but hopefully I can get some advice here.
Had a super day GALing. Made a 2-1/2 hr drive to go to a wine festival and a photo shoot with a new group of friends. The new freedom is just so therapeutic! I was so happy that I also brought back a bottle of reisling for my W. This is a 180 by itself, since I was never much of a wine guy and my W would never think of me going to a wine festival. She did look surprised when I gave her the bottle.
Came back to town and picked up the kids. I see that W has purchased a brand spanking new Altima coupe with sunroof to add to her 'replay' lifestyle. It hurts to see the kids getting in and out from the gutter in the back. But here is the news that made my spirit go on a nose dive. It seems W continues to have OM along when she has my 2 DDs (well the little ones tell me everything). She is in fact ignoring my L's warning that came with the D petition and if I want I can ask my L to proceed to get a court order to stop this. But I am at cross roads. I have started to detach effectively from my W and I want to move forward in my life treating her as a friend. I really don't want to escalate the fight. I think the new OM she has is not dangerous, although I haven't met him. My DDs seem to have good time with him, although the little one is really confused with the whole thing. I am almost inclining towards letting my W continue with this and the affair might fizzle out soon.
But on the other hand, I don't want to be a doormat and I am just not feeling comfortable with the way she is treating me and the kids. The more friendly I try to be, the more she stabs on my back. This is so nerve racking! Somebody please help me out with good advice.
Thanks for the updates on your situation. Glad to hear you had a great time at the wine festival and were with some new friends. WE really must use this time to grow as people, and not just by reading! Getting out to new activities and with new people is wonderful.
I wish I had some sage advice on the kids and OM, and and the IL. Do the ILs try to defend your wife when the kids are around? Do the ILs bad-mouth you to your kids? If so, I'd keep them away if I were in your shoes. I don't have kids, however, so my advice may not be worth much. If they don't do either of those things, then maybe preserving the relationship with the grandparents, if it was "healthy" before your separation/divorce, may be a good thing. How do your kids feel about your ILs? Have those feelings changed since your separation?
You sound like you are in a pretty good place emotionally, and I'm glad to hear that.
I read Peter O'Connor's book over the weekend, and he talks powerfully about mid-life as a time for men to look inward after spending much of our lives looking outward at jobs, etc. He contends that if we men accept the challenge of introspection, even though that is painful at times, we will grow and our midlife will be a time of creating a "whole" person. He borrows heavily from Jung, but he makes a lot of sense in tying MLC to unresolved childhood issues that we LBS can do little, or nothing, about. So, I applaud you for your healthy attitude and the work you are doing on yourself. Keep it up, and take care of yourself and the kids. Don't forget to give some joy to others each day.
I have made up my mind on how to proceed with the ILs. My W's behavior doesn't have to influence how I treat the ILs. I will continue to be the best person I can be to everybody including the ILs.
No, the ILs are not bad mouthing me to the kids, at least not that I know of. I definitely want the kids to adore their grandparents. They are going to visit my W soon from out of town. It will be a treat to see how they get around the town in the back seat of her Altima coupe!
Life is great now that I have dropped the rope! I am constantly making plans for GAL. Bar and drinking are no-no for me. There is temptation to go out and mingle, but I have been resisting the temptation to date. I am not sure if it is appropriate or not yet. But I am looking for new friends, support groups and activities that involve new friends.
I just ordered Peter O'Connors book on MLC from half.com I have seen so many people on this BB refer to this out-of-print book. I feel my quest for understanding MLC has not ended and I want to have a better appreciation for the crisis that changed my life for better.
Good for you. Take the high road. It might be hard at times, but in the end you have to live with yourself and you will feel better if you act with compassion and integrity. Of course, if there's some action from the ILs that truly alarms you, re-evaluate. But for now, stay on that high road. Let them, or your W, take the low road first. You'll not only feel better about yourself, but you will also be working on being a better person for all your relationships, now and in the future. I'm doing so myself. It's damn difficult. There are days I want to scream at my wife, but I will refrain from doing so and focus only on myself.
Glad to hear you are so positive about your changes. I feel the same way. This separation (and possible divorce, though my wife says nothing either about divorce or reconcilation attempts) has been truly life-transforming in a postive light. I now consider the most important thing in the world the work I do on myself. The marriage, which I still want to save, is secondary.
You'll like the O'Connor book. It's old, but it really hit home for me in trying to understand my wife, and it helped me understand myself even though I don't consider myself in MLC. I am, however, in a mid-life transition to becoming a fuller, better human being. I think you are too. You will see yourself in this book, especially in the later chapters where he writes about men turning inward in the second half of our lives. Women need to turn outward, to develop a sense of "mastery" over the public world (especially women who have been full times wives and mothers), while men's journeys are just the opposite. Midlife either becomes a time for stagnation or growth. You and I are on the growth road! Feels good to be there.
Keep posting. Let me know what you think about the O'Connor book. Make it a good day.
... men turning inward in the second half of our lives. Women need to turn outward, to develop a sense of "mastery" over the public world (especially women who have been full times wives and mothers), while men's journeys are just the opposite.
This is the same thing that turned the light on for me. Its not O'Connor alone, but many others that say the same thing in reference to mid-life transitions. And going back in time in the last 2 years I can vividly connect the dots in mind how I was starting to look "inward" and my W was turning "outward". Its worth living the life to know and appreciate these type of changes - its very fulfilling at least to me to learn about these during my sitch and how different God has created men and women. I feel midlife becomes a crisis only when you stay ignorant about these inevitable changes in yourself and do not learn to overcome these and work towards embracing the changes. It also seems to me that how well you embrace the changes without quitting on yourself and your M depends on your upbringing and your childhood.
The door remains open for my W to wake up to the good changes and return. In the meantime I need to move forward since I am so excited about the changes in myself that I cannot stand still!
I finally feel relieved that I have stopped worrying about my MLC wife and I am doing everything possible to heal myself and GAL. My W responded to my D petition agreeing to move forward with the process. I am trying my best to delay the process and my L has been good so far. In the meantime, I think my W is with her OM everyday but has stopped exposing my girls to her OM since the D petition came with a strong letter from the L warning her of consequences of a court order to restrict that. I still feel good in filing for my D, not because I don't stand for my M, but that was my only option to protect the girls. 
I have posted on this in detail on the 4060 forum. Someday I will initiate an online list of quack MCs in the family therapy business to avoid!
Somebody please help me out with good advice.