There and Back, #7

[SallyM]

hey all. thanks for the input/advice/support. it is so wonderful to come here and know that there are people who understand, and who will listen, and offer me insight or even just a hug. it all helps.

busy morning. last night, after my wallow, I grabbed the halloween decorations and put them out. hey, its october now, and it feels like fall this week, so why not? we all slept in till after 7 this morning...very nice. then the kids went nuts, seeing all the new stuff out, running around the house seeing this and that, making plans for new decorations. yep, love this time of year.

while they were in school I headed to therapy. I just love my threapist so much. I know I say that every time I see her, but I do. I feel much better now. I know I'm going to be emotional for the next couple of weeks, but she made me see the difference in how I am emotional now, as opposed to how I was emotional a few months ago. when I first got there I told her how I felt like I was several steps backward, but now i realize that I really am still doing well. I now can let the emotion come, and let it flow, and feel it, but also not blame myself for it. I can let it wash over me, then move on, and keep on chugging toward my new self. makes sense to me.

which brings up something S_O_T_S said. no, I'm not a robot, but was raised to believe that emotions are things to be stifled, ignored, set aside, etc. so its a whole new world to let it be okay to feel stuff. I've never been a robot, in spite of my upbringing, but at the same time, its new to know that emotions are okay.

I also talked to her about my plan for that day, and she made me understand better why I need what I need for that day....the total darkness from him, not wanting to hear his voice at all, the pity, the sympathy, the apathy, whatever it is, I don't want it. definitely a control thing on my part...to make it thru the day, I need to keep some sort of control on it, and that that is okay to need. I can change my mind, but if this is what feels right (and it does) to accept that. I will get past that day. there will be other peaks to climb, but I'll get past them, too...I know I can and I will. I'll fill the rest of the time and space with as much good as I can, and who knows, maybe with each peak I'll be stronger and wiser and better than before. seems to be the case so far.

not much else to tell. it was a good session. the kids and I are home now and will be for the rest of the day. the furnace guy is coming to earn the big giant check I have to write him today. ouch. its an H free day. yay!

S_O_T_S, just noticed that your anniversary is tomorrow. another october one. something about that month for those of us in new england, it seems. take care of yourself. will see you in a little over a week!