I really don't know what W's mood really has been since her weekend (or should I say "overnight" trip?) fell through, but I just saw her this morning in a parent-teacher meeting (S6's annual IEP assessment). She was still sniffling from her cold, and since we were focused on the information regarding S6, I didn't gather anything from her outside of that. We arrived at S's school separately, and left separately. But W called me from her cell phone as each of us were driving away. It started out talking about S6's behavioral problems, but quickly devolved in blaming them on me.
For a long time now, S6 has had a problem with most adults and figures of authority in paying attention to them and following directions. Part of this is due to his AS and his sensory integration problems. He has also not given due respect to some adults and that too has been an issue in school. And these are areas that we as the parents and the teachers are having to work on with S6.
W called me on the cellphone still sniffling -- I'm not sure if it was entirely due to her cold, or whether she was upset. I think it was a little of both. She said that in hearing the teachers describe S6's habitual ignoring of adults and other people he needs to listen to, she realized that these were traits and habits S6 picked up from me. Because I would ignore W and not listen to what she said, S6 learned these bad behaviors from me. He learned by my example. She said she might could stand physical or verbal abuse, but not being ignored like I did to her.
This led into yet another R talk. I tried several times to steer us back onto the subject about our S, but W still wants to find every fault in our M and our R and make that the cause for every ill in our lives.
I tried to just agree with her where I could, and acknowledge her elsewhere. But there were a few things I responded with that were not helpful at all.
I told W that, yes, when I was deep in depression I ignored everybody and withdrew from life, and I am sorry if S6 learned to ignore people from how I mismanaged my problems. But I also said that the disrespect that S6 displays to adults was learned behavior from observing W's lack of respect for me.
W's response was, "How can I respect someone who won't listen to me?" I responded, "How can I listen to someone who won't respect me?"
W is still upset with me for opening up to my S's this weekend and giving S6 the impression that his mother is a lier. I merely said that W was not going to tell S6 the whole truth about what she was up to and was planning. I did not call W a lier, but that's the impression either he got from me, or she got from S6. I apologized for that. I always tell my S's that their mother loves them very much, and so does their father, even though we both make mistakes.
W made it clear she does not want me to breath a word to our S's anymore about our R. Basically, if I can't handle it, then to just say nothing at all and tell them to talk to her instead if they have questions. W told me that this is her business, not mine. I told her that anything that affects our family is most certainly my business and that of our S's. She said that I don't know what I'm talking about, and that her seeing the OM is not an A; they have a close friendship. OM is kind and gentle, and I am just mean and jealous.
I asked her what would she expect me to be? How would she react if I were the one seeing another person? She said she would cut me loose and not have anything to do with me if that were so. But then she didn't realize that I was even capable of becoming jealous of her until I did so. I told her up until then I was lost in the fog of depression.
W still insists that my depression was a cop-out. She tried to help me seek medication and to seek help for the sleep problems, but still I wouldn't stop being depressed. She then "gave up". I told her all we did was to address the symptoms of my depression , not the cause thereof. I needed therapy and counseling. We needed therapy and counseling -- and I apologized for not following up on her suggestion for that last Spring, but I was too depressed to get help for myself.
Again, W said that the depression was no excuse for the neglect and poor treatment. I told her that for someone who tried to lecture me on her knowledge of psychology, she demonstrates very little understanding of what depression is and its effects. Her dismissal of my depression is a cop-out.
We got refocused on S6's issues and began to discuss some actions we could take to help him out in his behavior and learning plans. Once we came to some agreements on the best approach for handling S6 and especially on our attitudes for dealing with our S's, we were a little less tense with each other, or so I felt. So I then asked W if we could maintain this "truce", as I put it, for the sake of ourselves and our S's. She agreed so long as I cease discussing our "adult matters" with our S's. I said okay, if she could observe some boundaries herself, especially with regards to OM and my S's. Again she denied doing anything wrong -- or to be more precise, doing anything she thought was harmful to our S's.
I let it go. I again had to realize that she's just too far gone to see anything with any degree of objectivity. At least it was somewhat more friendly towards the end than how it started.
I need to go dark, and stay dark now. It's just so darn hard when there are children involved!
