And a horse has no udders, and a cow can’t whinny. And up is down, and sideways is straight ahead. -- Cord the Seeker (from A Circle of Iron). Waw, if you've not seen this cheesy Kung Fu flick, give it a try.
That movie came on last night, and I've always gotten a laugh at the quote. Cord is so confused by the cryptic advice/sayings from David Carridine that he gets so frustrated and confused he blurts out the gem above.
(oh, and waw, you'll appreciate the scene with the guy in the iron pot trying to melt his manhood away to nothing to fend off earthly desires. Sounds like your H )
Puddle, I did tell her that Casey is having a really hard time. W doesn't see it for the reasons I stated in my earlier post. I don't want to hurt my W, but I couldn't just keep quiet about this. At the house, they are content. Here, Casey gets very upset and withdrawn at times. How long do you wait before bringing something like that up? Told her, simply and briefly, that I can't just say nothing while watching them hurt. You say act from your heart, so I'm acting from my heart by telling you this. I want them to have two parents. THey'll be fine, eventually, but never as fine as if we made our M work. And, I don't know if it'll work. I don't even know what trying is like. The separation papers are in effect, I intend to sign them. The D is proceeding. I'm not asking you to love me tomorrow or a month from now. I don't even know for sure if we can make this work. I need to be on my own for a while because for the last few years I was relying on you to make me happy and that's too much of a burden for anyone. I don't want to move back tomorrow or next month or even after that. Before you decide to go back to OM, he'll be there, try with us again for the girls. I'm scared of this because I don't know for certain taht we can make it, I think we can, but don't know. I can't see my girls hurt and not say anything. That's why I'm saying this [yes, for all of you still with me, that's why I'm saying this.]
Told her the shock of finding the pictures and that she was talking to OM were like reopening an old wound. That I had really stopped talking/mentioning him back in Feb/March and had forgiven her (to which she actually looked thoughtful and agreed to). Apologized for going to the house, but that I had tried to call her. She said she appreciated the thought of me turning on the light and straightening her bed last Sat, but that it made her feel smothered. I apologized again, saying I was trying to be nice. Same basic answer from her.
The other reason I said all of this is that I think I'm starting to hate her a little for the pain this is causing the girls. I feel guilty and like I failed too, but I am starting to feel that way a little bit about her. That's scary as hell. She also said she's starting to feel the same about me.
Puddle, don't want to hurt her, but if she feels guilty . . . You know, what? Good. She damn well should feel guilty. She needs to grow up and stop blaming me for everything. I was her rock for years when she was insecure in herself. As she came into her own as a mother and someone very good at her job, I was proud of her. When I needed someone to lean on, she wasn't there like I needed her to be. She's still not owned up to her role in all of this (and that goes back to before April, when we were actively trying to rebuild our M).
Quote:
This sucks for you and mostly for the girls.
All of the above was driven by the girls. For me, I realized over the weekend that it was pleasant not having to listen to her complain about the way I choose to get something done or packing/preparing for the canoe trip and the hikes we took. It was nice and low-key. Girls weren't stressed from W being often on-edge. It's kindof nice making my own decisions without having to check with her. It's nice not being second-guessed.
I'm mostly through the shock of finding out about the phone calls with OM and then actually moving out. Beginning to feel comfortable with myself again. Work is getting done (mostly) on time. Apt is pretty clean and getting better organized. Since I'm finally settled, going to go to dance class again this week. Having a good time with the girls.
Anyway, heavy workday today. Nugget and I seem to be on the same cycle of talking to our wives.
Back to Circle of Iron; it's funny how there really isn't a lot of "new" wisdom in the world. The movie is a quest to find the Book of Knowledge. When Cord finally wins through and finds and opens the book, every page is a mirror.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
"W, Casey is having some adjustment problems. I am going to start family T with her. My guess is the C will think it helpful if you join us. That will, of course, be up to you. Just wanted to give you a heads up."
And the phone call which looks TO ME and NO DOUBT TO W as using your kids to promote your own agenda, going through the same old sh*t, rehashing the same old drama once again.
If you care about your daughters, start doing what is in their best interest. Your conversation accomplished this: pushing W farther away, encroaching and crowding upon her space far more than youv'e given her by moving out, justifying in her mind her R with OM, enforcing her belief that there is no hope for your M, making her even more defensive and reactive in general, you have delayed the point at which W will start taking a more objective look at her choices. You knew that this is what would result from your actions, yet you chose to take them. How does this demonstrate concern for your children?
this was in littlebit losts thread but is for you heimlich so I am pasting it here for you:
From GOodguy
Heimlich, In answer to your question about the class, she talked to the guidance counselor, and the counselor didn't think he was "acting up" in class due to our separation, he has always spoke out, I think due to boredom? I think my W might also not want him to take the class because we have not divorced? Although she didn't say that. We are separated, for 3 months now. My W has been calling me more lately, I hope thats a good sign? Thanks. _________________________ "We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
Hmmmm, I just had a very unpleasant thought about myself. As mentioned in my previous post, I was my W's emotional support for quite a long time as she developed into the strong person she is today. I don't know that I trust/believe in her ability to be emotionally honest with herself and am treating her with the repeated badgering, in some ways, like I would a child. Partly this is due to the fact that she hasn't opened up to me in a while, and when she did, I wasn't always emotionally there because I wasn't all too keen on myself for a while.
Maybe the gentle tone of your note, OT, shocked me into that. I don't think it's quite that cut and dried -- I don't think that she's a child emotionally. However, in many ways, I've been approaching her as if she doesn't know any better and treating her as such -- "i know better than you. Listen to me."
Sigh. Let's see how long I can go. Anyone up for an over/under on days until I mouth off again? I'm betting the over this time.
Crap.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Heim, I know this is hard, it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Seriously, and I've been through a LOT of stuff (even a divorce). Hang in there dude, if you need emotional support beyond what you get here, then pick up the phone and call a DB coach or one of the guys (CVA, Nomo, etc). A voice is sometimes all we need.
Now, start treating W like a competent adult who has a mind of her own that you respect, who is interesting, and who would be worth someone getting to know, but someone with whom you would take special care not to be presumputious.
Wondering how you and the girls were doing. Are things going any better with the kids adjusting? My daughter still hates my house. She just whines that she wants to go "home". Doesn't really get that its my home.
Are you all settled in? Getting used to your own place?
I finally feel like my duplex is mine but still sort of feel like the house is mine too. Kind of weird.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
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