To the best of my knowledge, you do not have to grant him permission to take the kids out of the country.
Yeh, I think you do. Since our separate two plus years ago, when Xh and I have traveled alone with S14, we have carried notarized permissions from the other spouse. I had to produce those on my travels to Alaska and Canada, several times. OTOH, I didn't have to produce them in New Zealand, although I was prepared to.
I'm not sure what the outcome would have been had I not HAD the documents, but the fact that I was asked for them suggests that they are expected.
You can probably google this and find out fairly easy what the source of the legal requirement is.
Yes, you do need permission. My L told me so. XH knows that too, as he had me sign some kind of note granting him to take the kids away last April. (little did I know that was to the Caribbean when it was supposed to be Florida..and at a hotel, not a cruise)
I have no problem with him taking them but his behavior has reflected that of the time during past restraining orders. He is angry one minute, nice the next. He is texting me harrassing texts and then pulling in the driveway hanging out after he drops the kids off.
To be honest with you, it is making me crazy.
He won't leave me alone, lately.
However, he is trying to get out of his obligatory nights with the kids..MAking his own plans saying he can't take them. Taking all these trips, etc. Then, when he talks about "exchanging" one night for another, refuses to do so as he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to have a "booty call" with New Guy and play house.
YUp, that is what he wrote to me today when I asked for Monday night off in lieu of Wednesday when he is going away.
Then, I have been innundated with texts saying "f you" etc. Out of the blue..
Honestly, I have DONE NOTHING wrong or acted differently to him. I am cordial. I am telling him no big deal if he can't make his weekends with the kids if he has to travel for business.
My T told me he is feeling rejected and wants to punish me.
WTF? He left me!
Now he is trying to get in the middle of my time with New Guy and that is a new one.
Yet, he is taking the rat all over creation in the next few months. And I could give a sh**.
I just want him to leave me alone.
It is taking it's toll on me.
I am tired
Oh, and he took the kids to an open house today to look at houses in this TOWN!
Patti, I feel for you. I've been dealing w/similiar instances for quite some time. I'm lucky in one respect, I don't have children, so I can pretty much go on my merry way. You, on the other hand, have children that require time w/their father.
I think that what goes through their minds is that they aren't happy w/what they've done and their lives haven't turned out the way that they thought they would, therefore, when they see that you've moved on and are carving out a new and happy life, it drives them into overload and they feel like they need to poke us every now and then. They actually aren't happy to see us happy. They become envious and jealous that we've done so well. Does this make sense?
The best advice that I can give you is don't show him that he's driving you crazy. Do what you have to do to communicate w/him about the children, but don't react to anything else he says or does. I know it's hard, but you've got to find a way not to show how he's driving you nuts.
I had hoped that your xh would have settled down and would be leaving you alone by now. It just goes to show you that you don't miss what you have until it's gone or someone else is in the picture, i.e., sharing in what use to be his life w/you.
Then, when he talks about "exchanging" one night for another, refuses to do so as he doesn't want to give me the opportunity to have a "booty call" with New Guy and play house.
YUp, that is what he wrote to me today when I asked for Monday night off in lieu of Wednesday when he is going away.
Then, I have been innundated with texts saying "f you" etc. Out of the blue..
Honestly, I have DONE NOTHING wrong or acted differently to him. I am cordial. I am telling him no big deal if he can't make his weekends with the kids if he has to travel for business.
My T told me he is feeling rejected and wants to punish me.
WTF? He left me!
Good grief, mtn, if you ever needed confirmation that the goofball was in MLC, this sure seems to be it!
I'm sorry that it is upsetting you, honestly it looks ridiculous from the outside.
What did your T say to do about it? Ignore or confront. I'd be tempted to confront, but then look where I am right now!!!
Honey, I am so sorry for the recent bout of crazy-making.
As Snodderly said, and as evidenced by many here (even the not-so-mean MLCers), they do tend to come poke when your life is moving along nicely.
My H doesn't seem to give a crap about my life - but I do know that he has made great efforts to be as mean and difficult as possible about every damn thing. WHY? You wanted me out of your life, and I quickly erased myself from it with no effort from you....and you still choose to act mean.
My guess is with Snodderly.....it seems that if you're happy, truly happy, then that's when you're the nicest to all, the calmest and balanced. A person who is truly happy, as many of us are getting, doesn't push buttons all over the place....they are just happy focusing on their new life.
But, their happiness is NOT our worry. The outcome on your family is what is...and your kids.
I was looking for answers for my own situation, and found this. Not that it will stop what is going on, but may give you some insight to why the xh's act the way they do.
For me, it often appeared as revenge, and this is the reason I am leaving this:
The Paradox of Revenge Revenge originates from the primal need for self-defense. In today's world, it is often abused as a destructive and futile response to anger or humiliation. Exhaust all alternatives before considering revenge, and use revenge only if it is your only effective self-defense. Why do you believe it is your only alternative? Why do you believe it will be effective? Describe why you believe revenge addresses the cause and will have the effect you want.
Most strategies for revenge fail because they attempt to change the past. Unfortunately once the damage is done and the injury, insult, humiliation, or other loss occurs, the clock cannot be turned back and the loss is permanent. In addition, the value of the loss to the offended is seen as much greater than any benefit gained by the offender. As a result the offense represents an unrecoverable loss to society as a whole. Successful strategies for revenge look far into the future and recognize that the cycle of vengeance and retaliation can only spiral toward tragedy and are best stopped before they are started.
Revenge is a doomed attempt to eliminate shame and increase status by asserting dominance. It fails because asserting dominance does not increase status, instead it usually increases violence. Also, remorse cannot be coerced, it has to be discovered.
Evidence indicates that forgiveness increases self-esteem and decreases anxiety.
Just a thought, as I hope it will help.
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Wow, thanks so much for all of your kind words, insight and advice. It really is nice to log on and see your posts!
Well, all has been quite here which has been great.
School has been going quite nicely and I absolutely LOVE teaching college freshman. They are so receptive to postive reinforcement and truly want to better themselves. I really belive that they will teach me as much as I teach them. I find that very exciting, too. Their insight about current events and life in general is so interesting to me and I have surmized that this age group (18 - 20) may get a bum wrap. They all have good heads on their shoulders yet need a little shove in the right direction..more like someone to hold their hand because their confidence levels are pretty low at the time (These are the students who failed their entrance exam to freshman year for English)
As for me, I have spent way too much time trying to figure out what XH is up to. If he wants to take me to court about the kids not being allowed to leave the country, so be it. His bullying won't work anymore. And, to tell you the truth, if his cycling is accurate, by next week he will be nice XH again.
The sooner I accept this cycling the better. The sooner I de-personalize what he does, the better.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is very complicated to figure out. In fact, it is borderline impossible to do so. I have started reading some excerpts again from an interesting website that I haven't read in a while. Basically, the way to deal with NPD people is to disassociate yourself and keep it all business. Boy, if that ain't the truth..
I thought this was a profound about Narcissism so I thought it would be a good idea to post..Laughing, you may be especially interested as you and I seem to be dealing with similiar stuff.. Contradictory Behaviours of Narcissists
To need to be loved is not synonymous to loving. The narcissist is looking for power, adulation, attention, affirmation, etc. This is called Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist experiences this as "love". But he is incapable of giving love back, of loving. And because he is afraid of being abandoned he initiates the abandonment. It gives him a feeling that the situation is under control, that he is the one who is doing the abandoning and that, therefore, it does not "qualify" as abandonment. He brings about his own abandonment to "get it over with" and to be able to say: "I made her leave me and good riddance. Had I not acted the way I did she would have stayed on."
A relationship is a contract. I provide intelligence, money, insight, fun, good company, status and so on. I expect Narcissistic Supply in return. The contract runs its natural course until it is terminated, as all business contracts do.
It's so freaky to imagine these human being devoid of empathy and the ability to exude emotion. It's like they are evil, almost. I can't believe I lasted 12 years with a person who has these traits. I sacrificed so much of myself to try to overcompensate for being in an R with an NPD and so much time trying to get my NPD H to be a emotinally happy husband and father.
I am very lucky to have seen this all right now. Truly lucky. Five years ago I felt like I was beaten down, a failure and my opinons and self worth really didn't matter. When you live with someone who has such little regard for human emotion, you begin to think you do not deserve those emotions..like empathy, kindness, caring, respect..
It is all about them. The sooner I get this through my head the better. No, he is not deliberately doing this, but he is a product of his environment and I can't change that.
The best I can do is enjoy what I do have now as a result of getting away from that toxic R.
It is in my nature to not hate and to forgive. This is what messes my head up. I don't like being indifferent, to ignore, not be kind..It's not me but that is how I have to act to XH in order to survive emotionally.
Well, off I go to grade my first round of essays!! The homework begins..
Thanks again for all the posts..I am doing just fine..I CHERISH my quiet time and I have it right now with my cup of coffee, laptop and the sun shining through my skylight..
You sound great, and very much in control of your life. I enjoyed reading about Narcissistic Personality Disroder, because my therapist [who met with my h] believes that h is currently suffering from Borderline Narcissitic Personality Disorder, and I read a book about it that he recommended
It is exactly as if they have had an empathy bypass. And the abadonment issue is curious, because that is exactly the way in which my h left me - BUT he absolutely cannot see that his children felt abandoned by him when he walked out. 'But I didn't leave them, I left you' is what he says. 'I told them that'
What he feels, and what others feel are a sort of disjunct. He feels hurt, but does not see that what makes him feel hurt makes them feel hurt, and so on. It seems to be a self protective device by people who have felt very abandoned at some point in their life. But, as you say, hard to deal with. However, my h wasn't always this way, at least on the surface. It was there, buried deep, and waiting to burst forth I suppose. He did always like a lot of praise, but only from people he deemed 'worthy' to praise him, but I thought this was a male ego thing, to be frank. [OK hit me with a 2 x 4]
