Hey Edddie, I must have been pondering your question overnight, because this morning I woke up to the realization that I tend to view my H as an adolescent. That's my filter. He has made a lot of changes in the growing up dept, and it is time I dusted off the lenses to see who he is becoming. I know when he was seeing me through angry eyes it did not feel good...I felt he was seeing me one way when I felt another.
This board always makes me think. Pretty cool.
Anyway, I just got the kids off to school and I am going back to sleep. Yum!
( from Fran's thread) Lou, I think it's great that you read a lot, watch relationship programs, look up info on the internet, attend seminars, etc. It's taking an active role in the marriage and finding direction. This was my H's and my weak spot. Underneath, we were both unhappy and were thinking about life without each other, rather than trying to work with what you have. We both didn't fully accept the marriage.
It wasn't until I came on board here that I realized how much I wanted to make it work. It was quite a realization for me. In a way, I sort of feel unmarried right now. I want to view my H with clear eyes, see who he is, and to evaluate ( and I'd like for him to do the same), in an open, honest way. No matter what happens, I hope we both stay on the road of self discovery... that is the exciting part of life!
It's a challenge to me to keep my sensuality going. I had that period of HDness, but overall, I still am LD, and LD relative to my H. I know he would like to feel desire from me, and I have a hard time accessing that. He's coming home tomorrow and I feel some anxiety about that. Some of our conversations have been good and some have been stilted. We had a few flirty moments and did a little fun TM's but mostly it's been shop talk. The TM's did produce some tingles in me...again, I see that I respond to words, not visuals.
Last nite he mentioned that he has been going to the gym 2x/day, and commented to me how I won't be able to resist his buff bod. So there it is again...that need for validation/admiration...and I find myself being put off by it. I guess I need to give him what he needs, even if it's difficult for me, since I have asked him to give me what I need, and he has been following through. We seem to be sexual opposites, so it really is a case of both of us working with what we have. I guess I am still unsure if it will work.
Sometimes when I read your posts and reflect back on my own marriage I just wonder if maybe it is the case that extroverts and introverts simply shouldn't marry. All the stuff about your H that turns you off would either turn me on or at least be a neutral. I would regard a man calling me up and saying that I won't be able to resist his buffness as a fairly strong form of pre-initiation. I do the same sort of thing myself. For instance, when I talked to GP last night I described the stockings I had purchased that day. I truly wasn't looking for validation, I was just being a flirtatious tease. Maybe you should consider why you didn't respond to your H's "buff" comments the way GP responded to my stocking comments which would be to say something along the lines of "Mmmm...that's not fair telling me how buff you are looking when I can't get my hands on you."
Also, when your H is all excited about projects or activities, on one level you may be viewing this as immature but you might want to consider whether you aren't feeling a bit jealous because you aren't engaged in activities that bring you a similar level of excitement at the moment. Have you enrolled in that art class yet, for instance?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
MJ, I feel like setting up with you a Cyrano De Bergerac ( sp) type scenario where you could whisper me the lines when my H comes up with lines like that,lol. Putting in in your lingo, I find I still have too much bunny relative to monkey. I'm mionkey disabled, and I need help!
The reason I am put off by the buff comments is that my H's 3-ness tends to overwhelm me...the need for validation and admiration starts to feel narcissitic to me, and I get put off. So instead of giving some WOA, I end up not giving any, which then fuels his need for more validation.
I do think that introverts and extroverts can help balance one another, if they don't kill each other first! Even my kids are happy to have a reprieve from my H.
As far as activities, I feel I have an interesting life, but I tend to take one activity at a time and focus on it intently, where my H makes my head spin in circles. Right now I am starting up a biz with my psychologist college friend and it's quite exciting. I guess I view his distraction as immature, and I also have to deal with this trait in my son.
I really like when you tell the details of your convos with GP; it's like getting a tutorial. I don't know if you remember, but we joined the board around the same time, and in our first interaction you were helping me with BJ technique,lol.
Hope you had fun with GP...by the way, I don't feel like re-reading your thread, why are we calling him GP?
I don't feel like re-reading your thread, why are we calling him GP?
Gray Panther. We actually got on the topic of animals because he was doing this hilarious impression of black women talking/bragging to each other about men along the lines of "Oooh, girlfriend, my man came over last night and he was an animal." So, I told him he reminded me of a panther and he actually said that I was either a lioness or a deer.
I really think part of the issue with your H is that you aren't very object oriented. Is there any part of the male anatomy that you would get turned on thinking about? Or you could take it one step further. If you are turned on by strong initiation along the lines of a Serbian Mock Rape scenario, you could take your H's buff body comment and volley it back to him by saying something like "Well, clearly I won't be able to resist if you make full use of those buff muscles upon me." Or you could play it back as a tease by implying that you certainly will be able to resist his muscles. GP and I have a running joke now because he told me about one time that a woman bumped into him on an escalator and actually told him that he had a hard *ss and started groping it. I have repeatedly assured him that I would never do such a rude thing to him ever so he needn't worry- lol.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
That's true I am not very object oriented. We once joked that if you, Honeypot and I went to the beach, the two of you would be looking at the bods, and I'd be focused on the waves.
You are getting my monkey thinking, though. I like the " bet those muscles can't hold me down" comment. Very good, MJ.
I started off today's TM's with " hi sugar plum." See how I naturally gravitate to bunny, my safe zone? We gotta fix this.
Mojo, some of it depends on the guy's attitude, too. There are ways for a guy to say "bet you can't resist my buff bod" that are a turn off, and ways for a guy to say "I just read the latest Jane Austen novel and loved it" that are a turn on.
Think of the character Noel on Frasier (the Trekker). When a guy says it from a place of low confidence, looking for validation, NOT really interested in fcuking you but just looking to feel good about himself-- THAT can be a turn off.
Wanting some time-- even a LOT of time-- alone does not necessarily indicate anything wrong in the R. To me it just means YOU NEED SOME ALONE TIME. Everyone needs that.
[....]My heart just sank...and I went back to the video store and returned the movies.
Lillie,
Why does it have to be "alone"? What was your problem with watching that stuff, even when your H was there?
to me, that sounds like a problem with you, not being willing to be yourself. It sounds like the problem isnt that you "need to be alone",but rather, that you only give yourself permission to do what you enjoy, when you are alone.
If so, the best solution isnt "to get more 'alone time'", but to undergo a little self improvement, and "let you be you", even when your husband is around.
If he chooses not to join you, then you are in basically the same situation as if you did it "alone". If he DOES join you,in a positive spirit about it... then that might give you an even better relationship with your H.
There's a difference between having "your space/time", where you wont be interrupted by "honey can you do ...." issues... vs having a time and place where you are deliberately anti-social.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I hear what you're saying .... you should feel confident enough in your preferences to pursue whatever you wish without needing privacy.
However.
Maybe (on my part anyway) this is an only-child thing .... but there is a vibe to being alone with yourself and content in your own company that you just can't get with someone else knocking around, even if they're not up in your face. It's not that you want to become a hermit or don't truly enjoy being in the company of others. That's apples and oranges. But you just can't fully get that communion with just yourself and God/the universe/nature/Jane Austen flicks/whatever unless you're BY yourself.
Personally, people who *never* seem to need or even be able to tolerate that kind of alone time puzzle me .... I wonder how they can have a strong independent core sense of self if they're uncomfortable spending time with themselves.
ETA: It's not that I think anyone has a *problem* if they don't like/enjoy alone time ....different strokes ... but by the same token, to imply that one who craves alone time is anti-social and needs to "work on themselves" is pretty seriously missing the boat, IMHO.
Last edited by Kettricken; 10/02/0705:39 PM.
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